Better do this Mask commercial before its no longer relevant...any month now...

 

Know how I avoid losing my mask?  By wearing it on my face so it covers my nose and my mouth.  When I do that, it's pretty much impossible to lose it. 

It's really that simple.  If you aren't being a douchenozzle and just wearing a mask when you notice someone approaching you- and don't get "surprised" by someone "suddenly coming up on you" and there you are out in public and not wearing your mask- you really don't have to reach for that mask at the last moment, "dive into your handbag" or your pocket to get that piece of cloth you apparently are only willing to put on for a few seconds at a time when you decide that it's absolutely necessary to suspend your imaginary Right Not To Wear A Mask Cause Freedom.  Because you're already wearing it- as you walk across the parking lot and approach the entrance to the store, NOT carrying it in your pocket or your bag until you are five inches from that door.  Because you're already wearing it- NOT only when the waitress approaches at the outdoor cafe, but the whole time you are sitting there because We're Trying to Get Through This you freaking Dicktards.  

But I guess if you insist on whipping off your mask unless you are aware someone is within six feet of you, a mask with a built-in lanyard is a good idea.  If you're not part of the problem, it's kind of unnecessary because, well, YOU'RE ALREADY WEARING THE FREAKING MASK.

And oh, by the way- funny thing about masks- they are very easy to just slip under your chin when you are outside and there really is nobody around.  Even if you refuse to keep your nose and mouth covered like a good citizen, why the hell do you need a lanyard anyway?  

Oh, and Copper again.  Gotta mention that, too.  There's nothing copper can't do.  According to TV.  Except keep you from losing your mask.  So this one has a built-in lanyard.  

It's that time of year: Optima Tax Relief offers to defend the Indefensible

 

1.  No, the IRS can't just "take" your money if it "wants to."  If you owe taxes, the IRS has a case against you and can force you to pay your taxes.

2.  "...Even threaten your home or business."  If you have that home or business because you didn't pay your taxes, you stole the money used to maintain that home and business.  We'll get to who, exactly, you stole that money from in a moment, but- Spoilers!- I don't feel sorry for you.

3.  "One phone call to Optima Tax Relief can stop the IRS targeting you...." nope.  It CAN stop the "harassing letters" (I wonder- if you write to someone who owes YOU money, do you consider that "harassment?")  It CAN stop the phone calls from the IRS.  Know what's really wrong with this statement, though?  It's just as accurate if you cut out the "Optima Tax Relief" part.  If the IRS is sending you letters (the IRS does not operate over the phone, to discourage scammers) you can stop that by contacting the IRS and expressing an interest in working out your issues which (another Spoiler alert) are NOT WITH THE IRS.

4.  Let's just cut to the chase.  Nobody owes money to the IRS.  If you don't pay your taxes, you owe money to the USA.  You are a deadbeat freeloader who doesn't want to contribute to the society that is allowing you to succeed.  If you are prospering by not paying your fair share, you OUGHT to be called on your BS and forced to cough up, just like the rest of us.  Who the hell do you think you are, Donald Trump?

Don't want to be "harassed" to pay what you owe?  Pay what you owe.  Don't want your house or business or bank accounts seized?  Don't maintain them by cheating and avoiding your responsibilities.  And if you lose your Stuff because you got caught, pardon this Taxpayer for not having a single s--t to give for you.  I'm busy waiting for my refund, thanks anyway. 

Discover how stupid this credit card company thinks you are

 

"Here's something else about Discover cards:  they are RECTANGULAR in shape, they are MADE OUT OF PLASTIC, and they fit CONVENIENTLY INTO ANY CONVENTIONAL WALLET!"

Thing is, there's this little thing called the Fair Credit Billing Act, which was passed into law in 1974 and has been strengthened in the past decade.  Generally, personal liability for the unauthorized use of a credit card is limited to $50; only in extreme conditions (the owner of the card loses the card but fails to notify the bank of the loss within 30 days) might it rise to a maximum possible liability of $500.  And if only the number has been stolen, and the customer can prove that the card is still within her possession, the liability in almost all cases is ZERO.

In other words, Discover is "offering" something that every other credit card company offers, and is REQUIRED to offer.  

(By the way, did the guy in this commercial buy that turtle online? Sure sounds like it, if he thinks that the merchant who sold him the turtle is using his card number fraudulently.  Who buys turtles online?  If he went through a local pet shop- you know, the way anyone else stupid enough to want to buy a turtle at all would- why isn't he discussing this issue with that pet shop?  And while we're at it, who deals with concerns about credit card theft by just randomly mentioning the issue with a friend?  There IS an 800 number on the back of that card.  Ever think about using it, moron?  I mean, even if you DON'T have any liability, you ought to be calling them with your concerns anyway, don't you think?  Do you EVER think?)

eTrade needs to stop telling me to not get angry while making me angry

 

I guess I just don't these eTrade "don't get angry" commercials, as none of them have ever shown me a scenario in which I would be justified in "getting angry" (that is, unless eTrade knows I get angry at stupid commercials.  If that's the case, these all make perfect sense.)

In this ad, eTrade treats the audience like children who think "buying the dips" means buying actual dip for chips.  Thing is, 99 percent of the time for 99 percent of the audience, that's exactly what it means.  Even the part of the audience that is in the market- even the part that is actively involved in trading- generally means "buying dip for chips" when they say they are responsible for "buying the dips."  Because people who do their own trading don't need a new phrase for "buying when prices are low/dropping."  That phrase was working just fine, thank you very much. 

By the way, who is this commercial really supposed to appeal to?  People who do their own trading who think they really understand the market and need another reason to sneer and otherwise look down on people who don't do their own trading (like me) because they know they don't understand the market?  If that's the case, this ad belongs in the same rank as Audi and Lexus commercials, designed to stoke more anger from the unwashed, non-investing masses more than to attract new customers.  

eTrade continues to be stupid

 

I'm guessing that this kid's parents are too busy managing their money to pay any attention to him, which is why he's free to create his own sad little improvised gym, exercise and diet plan which includes wasting a dozen eggs--?

Judging from that house, one of two things must be true:

A.  This kids' parents are already doing very well financially, so at least they are getting some value in return for neglecting their kid.   OR

B.  This kid doesn't HAVE any parents, this is HIS house, which means he is doing REALLY well financially and I'm actually impressed.  But I don't get why he doesn't just get himself a Total Gym and/or a Peloton Bike, as he can obviously afford it. 

Pizza Hut's retro fail. I'm already done with the Superbowl.

 

Remember back in the 1980s when you played Pacman?  Remember being young and going out and having fun pumping quarters into this and other stupid video games because you were young and it was fun and the whole world lay out in front of you?

Well, you can relive those years for a few seconds in this ad- if you are anyone but me, I guess.  I'm too busy getting queazy watching this guy spend half a minute spitting on a rapidly-cooling pizza before finally putting his game on pause and eating some.  I mean, go back and see how many times this guy utters the "p" sound.  Ugh. 

Meanwhile...the game starts in about half an hour, and as is my habit, I'll watch it while tuning out the commercials.  That's right, I don't even WATCH Superbowl ads.  I didn't even watch them for the two years I was a participant in the Nielsen ratings.  FU, Capitalism!  I'm watching your billion-dollar spectacle and I'm not contributing one penny to your insatiable maw!  

Rent A Center Commercial from 1994 shows how little progress we've made

 

It's almost horrifying to imagine that people were once drawn to Rent A Center by "awesome deals" like a 19-inch tv with Included VCR for "only" $14.99 a week for 91 weeks (total price: $1364.  For a 19-inch tv with a VCR.  And when you're done paying- you give it back.  You don't even OWN it.  And if THAT'S not scary enough, this commercial is from 1994, when $1364 was worth $2,382.)  

And when you aren't enjoying your ridiculous I Want It Right Now Impulse Rent television with VCR, you can do a load of laundry in the clothes washer you are renting for $8.99 a week for 78 weeks (total price:  $701, or $1224 in today's money.)  At least you can sort of justify the washer (though seriously, I think you would have been better off with a weekly trip to the laundromat.)  Most of the crap shown in this ad are not necessities.  We see game systems, stereos, recliners....I mean, what the hell, people?  Faced with three choices- Save Up, Do Without, or Empty Your Wallet into a Bottomless Pit, that Bottomless Pit sure was popular back in the 90s, wasn't it?

Well, here we are in 2021, and there are two Rent A Centers within easy walking distance of my apartment- and also several pawn shops and dollar stores.  The poor we always have with us- and there are more of them than ever.  And it's at least as expensive to be poor nowadays as it was back in 1994.  It's not getting any better out there...