CopperFit Facial Masks, back for a (final?) Shameless Pandemic Cash Grab

 

1.  Notice how aggressive all of these commercials for Magic Copper Stuff are?  They all have this really in-your-face element about them, usually along the lines of "America Is On It's Way Back" and "Buy this Or DIE."  This time, it's facial coverings which, yes, no kidding, are "part of the new normal" and "even required in certain environments" (like California, New York, Washington DC or any other place the libtard Commiecrats are stifling your freedom.)

2.  Copper infused throughout entire facial covering gives you "all day comfort" and "peace of mind in this uncertain world."  But are we going to be told why it's better than any other (non-overpriced) facial covering?  Oh wait- was that what all that "Copper Infusion Technology" stuff was for?

3.  These facial coverings protect you from the "harsh elements"- which means, the sun.  You know, like any other facial covering.  It wicks away sweat, while at the same time keeping you cool, which I'm not sure actually makes sense.  

4.  They are washable- again, like pretty much any cloth mask.  

5.  We get a quote- "the Comfort you want, the protection you need."  Who is being quoted here?  We aren't told.  The words are just there, in quotation marks.  I'd be perplexed if this were the first Copper Crap commercial I'd ever seen.  It's not, so this is just par for the course.

6.  We get a repeat of the whole Start Technology/Air permitting/sweat wicking thing all over again, and then are told that copper is antimicrobial  or something.  I'd really like to see the data concerning the power of copper to kill or screen out microbes, but I don't think I'm going to be provided a link before this ad is over.

7.  Except for one detail, the rest of the ad is just a third repeat of claims already made.  The exception is a "warning" that "demand is high and supplies are limited," which more honestly translates into "six months from now nobody will be wearing masks anymore so our window of opportunity to sell crap that will sit in a junk drawer for the next thirty years after this summer is closing fast."

IHOP throws down the gauntlet in the Burrito Wars

 

So when the International House of Pancakes hires you to promote it's deep dive into the already-saturated-with-grease-and-fat American Burrito market, and you have absolutely no idea how you are going to do that, but you really want that sweet sweet IHOP marketing budget money, this is what you come up with:  a black guy standing on the roof of an IHOP, yelling to everyone within hearing range that IHOP now sells burritos. 

In a way, this is kind of the anti-Taco Bell of burrito commercials, isn't it?  Taco Bell has gone full Movie Mode with it's ads, creating mini-dramas that developmentally stunted Americans (the kind of people who would actually eat Taco Bell "food" products) eat up with the same enthusiasm as the vacuum in that disgusting garbage sold under the Taco Bell label.  IHOP doesn't attempt to copy Taco Bell's tactics in selling ITS burritos.  Taco Bell can spend millions of dollars on something that obese gamers who are unaware that Uber Eats doesn't exclusively deliver Taco Bell see as High Art.  IHOP is going totally minimalist, sticking a guy on the roof of an IHOP and having him just yell "This Place Got Burritos too, I just found out and responded by climbing on to the roof!"

Good to know, by the way, that when it comes to expanding the American waistline while reducing the American life expectancy, IHOP is not willing to let Taco Bell carry so much of the load anymore.  Thing is, they were already doing their part in those endeavors before entering the Oily Ground Beef market.  I expect Taco Bell to retaliate by adding Cheesecake Pancakes topped with Kool-Whip any day now.  

This stupid wall of noise brought to you by Kit Kat

 

Or maybe "this headache brought to you by the Hershey Company?"

Or how about we go back to "give me a break?"  I mean, that was absolute Einstein-level genius compared to this garbage. 

Don't even bother to watch this more than once.  Don't try to analyze it.  Don't try to figure out how it's supposed to make you want to eat a Kit Kat, which is actually a pretty decent candy as far as bland chocolate goes.  There's nothing to this ad.  It's just dumb and loud.  Which I guess is all you really need in a 15-second commercial for chocolate. 

Xofluza: Seriously, WTF??

 

So if you've got a fever and chills, are short of breath, and a headache....are you really going to think it's the flu?  I mean it is Spring, 2021 after all.  I wouldn't think I've got the flu.  I'd assume I have that disease the mention of which gets your YouTube channel demonetized.  You know, that disease that doesn't exist and is just a plot to make you wear a mask because the government wants you to wear a mask because Reasons.  The one that was totally made up by China to destroy Donald Trump.  Yeah, that one.

Anyway, if you are an optimist and think you have a nasty case of the Flu and not that Other Thing, you've got about fifteen minutes to contact your doctor, get a diagnosis through a Zoom call, and get a prescription for Xofluza (I can't believe that wasn't taken already) filled by your local pharmacy before your window of opportunity to use this drug that I guess must be taken inside the first two days of symptoms closes faster than you wish those people living with you would just close the damn door already so you don't freeze to death while you're stuck inside (you know, those people who are going to mock your pain by throwing a ball back in forth right in front of your window while you sit propped up in your bed wondering why they don't get into the car and go pick up your damn prescription already.)

Xofluza (why does that sound like a really dumb music festival?) comes with all those wonderfully awful side effects that you've grown to love over the years- headaches, diarrhea, shortness of breath (you know, the same symptoms as the flu) so you know it's working to make you ten percent healthier than you were before.  Unless you've got that other thing we aren't going to talk about.

As Seen on TV: Americans are Pathetic Whiners!

 

You've got a blog that virtually nobody reads.  Despite the tiny audience, you feel compelled to find material to use on your blog.  It's a real First World Problem that deserves a First World Solution!

Well, here's mine:  Instead of finding a commercial to snark on, I'm just going to cut and paste this guy's snark to my blog.  It's easy peasy, I got two just for paying extra shipping and handling, and now I can get back to doing whatever I was doing instead of updating my blog!

Better do this Mask commercial before its no longer relevant...any month now...

 

Know how I avoid losing my mask?  By wearing it on my face so it covers my nose and my mouth.  When I do that, it's pretty much impossible to lose it. 

It's really that simple.  If you aren't being a douchenozzle and just wearing a mask when you notice someone approaching you- and don't get "surprised" by someone "suddenly coming up on you" and there you are out in public and not wearing your mask- you really don't have to reach for that mask at the last moment, "dive into your handbag" or your pocket to get that piece of cloth you apparently are only willing to put on for a few seconds at a time when you decide that it's absolutely necessary to suspend your imaginary Right Not To Wear A Mask Cause Freedom.  Because you're already wearing it- as you walk across the parking lot and approach the entrance to the store, NOT carrying it in your pocket or your bag until you are five inches from that door.  Because you're already wearing it- NOT only when the waitress approaches at the outdoor cafe, but the whole time you are sitting there because We're Trying to Get Through This you freaking Dicktards.  

But I guess if you insist on whipping off your mask unless you are aware someone is within six feet of you, a mask with a built-in lanyard is a good idea.  If you're not part of the problem, it's kind of unnecessary because, well, YOU'RE ALREADY WEARING THE FREAKING MASK.

And oh, by the way- funny thing about masks- they are very easy to just slip under your chin when you are outside and there really is nobody around.  Even if you refuse to keep your nose and mouth covered like a good citizen, why the hell do you need a lanyard anyway?  

Oh, and Copper again.  Gotta mention that, too.  There's nothing copper can't do.  According to TV.  Except keep you from losing your mask.  So this one has a built-in lanyard.  

It's that time of year: Optima Tax Relief offers to defend the Indefensible

 

1.  No, the IRS can't just "take" your money if it "wants to."  If you owe taxes, the IRS has a case against you and can force you to pay your taxes.

2.  "...Even threaten your home or business."  If you have that home or business because you didn't pay your taxes, you stole the money used to maintain that home and business.  We'll get to who, exactly, you stole that money from in a moment, but- Spoilers!- I don't feel sorry for you.

3.  "One phone call to Optima Tax Relief can stop the IRS targeting you...." nope.  It CAN stop the "harassing letters" (I wonder- if you write to someone who owes YOU money, do you consider that "harassment?")  It CAN stop the phone calls from the IRS.  Know what's really wrong with this statement, though?  It's just as accurate if you cut out the "Optima Tax Relief" part.  If the IRS is sending you letters (the IRS does not operate over the phone, to discourage scammers) you can stop that by contacting the IRS and expressing an interest in working out your issues which (another Spoiler alert) are NOT WITH THE IRS.

4.  Let's just cut to the chase.  Nobody owes money to the IRS.  If you don't pay your taxes, you owe money to the USA.  You are a deadbeat freeloader who doesn't want to contribute to the society that is allowing you to succeed.  If you are prospering by not paying your fair share, you OUGHT to be called on your BS and forced to cough up, just like the rest of us.  Who the hell do you think you are, Donald Trump?

Don't want to be "harassed" to pay what you owe?  Pay what you owe.  Don't want your house or business or bank accounts seized?  Don't maintain them by cheating and avoiding your responsibilities.  And if you lose your Stuff because you got caught, pardon this Taxpayer for not having a single s--t to give for you.  I'm busy waiting for my refund, thanks anyway.