First World Problems, Indeed

 

Like this guy, I've spent a good chunk of the last year working from home.  That's where the similarity between my life and this guy's comes to a rather abrupt end.

Unlike this guy, I don't work from a massive, glistening kitchen while my adoring wife and children play nearby.  My workspace looks a bit more like a walk-in closet.  I can compare my apartment to this guy's kitchen in one respect- my apartment is about the same size as this guy's kitchen.

And unlike this guy, I don't have to "worry" about suddenly getting an email ordering me to go out and hire people.  My emails usually involve things like "invitations" to after-hours online staff meetings, requests to grade essays for a third or fourth time, requests to grade tests being turned in late, etc. etc. ETC.  Not "we need you to hire people to work for us."  

And unlike this guy, working from home doesn't mean I'm going to be asked to do something that requires me to find a good service to do most of the heavy lifting for me.  I don't look at my inbox and think "I need to hire a company to do this."  I mean, I MIGHT think that, but it's not really an option.  We are supposed to relate to this jackass when he's faced with the daunting task of hiring people to work for his company.  Oh, poor baby- you get to hire Indeed to find people to contact and dangle jobs in front of from your million-dollar suburban home.  In a country filled with well-qualified applicants desperate to work for fifty percent of what they were making a year ago at this time, yet. 

Again- poor, poor baby.  Don't exhaust yourself with all that "work," buddy.  I want you to have lots of energy when that meteorite crashes into your house and vaporizes your entitled, whiny butt. 

Is it safe to assume that Telesteps also sells Life Insurance?*

 

...Because before I got more than four or five steps up a ladder which is "easily retractable" by squeezing together two flimsy rubber knobs at the bottom, I'd certainly be making sure that my policy was up to date.

Can you even imagine being fifteen feet up in the air, painting a wall or hanging Christmas lights, knowing that your bodily health depends entirely on an Only Available on TV flimsy piece of crap you saw being advertised in between reruns of the Andy Griffith Show at two o'clock in the morning?  I sure can't.  I suspect that the people who would be impressed enough to buy this garbage are also in the market for after-market parachutes and lightly used contact lenses.  There are things I'm willing to cheap out on.  Ladders are NOT one of them. 

*if they do, I'm going to go ahead and assume that it's also "easily retractable," especially when the deceased was killed doing something stupid like using one of their ladders.

NFL Gear Presents: Poser Central (currently Tampa Bay)

 

Oh give me a freaking break.  I own Patriots and Red Sox gear (sweatshirts, jackets, caps,* that kind of thing) but when my team wins I don't strut around like I personally won something.  Because I didn't.  I watched my favorite team win something.   It didn't make me a winner, didn't get me a ring, and sure as hell didn't give me an excuse to deck myself out in I AM A FAN OF THIS CURRENT CHAMPION clothing so I could stand in the middle of the street with my chest puffed out and a look on my face which screams "yeah, I beat your sorry a**, loser punk. Who's your daddy now?"

These people especially need to just Stop Now.  You are "fans" of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  There's a very good chance that you didn't know your city had a freaking NFL franchise until about six weeks ago (I could be generous and suggest they became fans when they heard the Bucs got that Brady guy from New England, but why would I be generous?  When am I ever generous?)  Just admit that you're the kind of "fans" who jump on the bandwagon just before it reaches top speed- like Red Sox "fans" who magically remembered they were fans all at the same time in late October, 2004.  And then went out and bought pink, camo, purple, etc. baseball caps.  And embraced that marketing ploy called "Red Sox Nation."  You people make me sick.  But I digress.

If I didn't want to be sued, I'd suggest that someone knock these smug-for-zero-reason posers in their stupid faces.  But encouraging violence is against the law, in most cases.  Most cases.

*not a Patriots cap, just a Red Sox cap.  Football caps are stupid.

This Cherry Pepsi Commercial gives me hope for America's future

 

Not the commercial itself, mind you.  It's just another brainless Wall of Noise which has any sensible human being lunging for the Mute button and wondering what on Earth is going on at Pepsi that they would think anyone would want to experience this garbage unironically.

No, my hope comes from the comment section (I've never written that before, that's for sure.)  Pretty much all the comments condemn Pepsi for subjecting we the audience to this horrible spectacle which is apparently attempting to be hip or cool or whatever the hell it is that young people are calling it these days.  And I'm guessing that most of the comments are from young people who see right through Pepsi's ridiculous (and probably racist) effort to appeal to the Younger Set with this nonsense. 

Thanks for stepping up, YouTube commenters.  Maybe you are coming around.  This Boomer thinks that there may be hope for you yet.  Now get out of your parents basements, turn off the Game Box, get a job to pay for college, get a career you'll hold on to for forty years and buy a house for a year's salary before you hit 25!*

*Add /s for snark, of course.

PNC Bank "Backhand" commercial makes Negative Sense

 

What does learning a backhand have to do with managing your online banking? Oh right- nothing. Thanks anyway, PNC Bank.  Thanks for not trying.  At all. 

How about this- "if you can read a book in a room the size of a walk-in closet with two other people, one of whom is practicing his backhand wearing virtual reality goggles, you are probably capable of managing your online banking because those are totally similar skills?"  Did you consider going with that?  Because it makes as much sense as this.  At LEAST as much sense.

Also- I assumed when I saw three people in a ridiculously cramped space that this was going to be a commercial for Rocket Mortgage. Seriously, why are all these people in the same room- especially the jackass with the virtual reality goggles? No other place you could be using those, buddy? Like in traffic, for example?

CopperFit Facial Masks, back for a (final?) Shameless Pandemic Cash Grab

 

1.  Notice how aggressive all of these commercials for Magic Copper Stuff are?  They all have this really in-your-face element about them, usually along the lines of "America Is On It's Way Back" and "Buy this Or DIE."  This time, it's facial coverings which, yes, no kidding, are "part of the new normal" and "even required in certain environments" (like California, New York, Washington DC or any other place the libtard Commiecrats are stifling your freedom.)

2.  Copper infused throughout entire facial covering gives you "all day comfort" and "peace of mind in this uncertain world."  But are we going to be told why it's better than any other (non-overpriced) facial covering?  Oh wait- was that what all that "Copper Infusion Technology" stuff was for?

3.  These facial coverings protect you from the "harsh elements"- which means, the sun.  You know, like any other facial covering.  It wicks away sweat, while at the same time keeping you cool, which I'm not sure actually makes sense.  

4.  They are washable- again, like pretty much any cloth mask.  

5.  We get a quote- "the Comfort you want, the protection you need."  Who is being quoted here?  We aren't told.  The words are just there, in quotation marks.  I'd be perplexed if this were the first Copper Crap commercial I'd ever seen.  It's not, so this is just par for the course.

6.  We get a repeat of the whole Start Technology/Air permitting/sweat wicking thing all over again, and then are told that copper is antimicrobial  or something.  I'd really like to see the data concerning the power of copper to kill or screen out microbes, but I don't think I'm going to be provided a link before this ad is over.

7.  Except for one detail, the rest of the ad is just a third repeat of claims already made.  The exception is a "warning" that "demand is high and supplies are limited," which more honestly translates into "six months from now nobody will be wearing masks anymore so our window of opportunity to sell crap that will sit in a junk drawer for the next thirty years after this summer is closing fast."

IHOP throws down the gauntlet in the Burrito Wars

 

So when the International House of Pancakes hires you to promote it's deep dive into the already-saturated-with-grease-and-fat American Burrito market, and you have absolutely no idea how you are going to do that, but you really want that sweet sweet IHOP marketing budget money, this is what you come up with:  a black guy standing on the roof of an IHOP, yelling to everyone within hearing range that IHOP now sells burritos. 

In a way, this is kind of the anti-Taco Bell of burrito commercials, isn't it?  Taco Bell has gone full Movie Mode with it's ads, creating mini-dramas that developmentally stunted Americans (the kind of people who would actually eat Taco Bell "food" products) eat up with the same enthusiasm as the vacuum in that disgusting garbage sold under the Taco Bell label.  IHOP doesn't attempt to copy Taco Bell's tactics in selling ITS burritos.  Taco Bell can spend millions of dollars on something that obese gamers who are unaware that Uber Eats doesn't exclusively deliver Taco Bell see as High Art.  IHOP is going totally minimalist, sticking a guy on the roof of an IHOP and having him just yell "This Place Got Burritos too, I just found out and responded by climbing on to the roof!"

Good to know, by the way, that when it comes to expanding the American waistline while reducing the American life expectancy, IHOP is not willing to let Taco Bell carry so much of the load anymore.  Thing is, they were already doing their part in those endeavors before entering the Oily Ground Beef market.  I expect Taco Bell to retaliate by adding Cheesecake Pancakes topped with Kool-Whip any day now.