This Geico Commercial is something that happened on my TV for Reasons

 

1.  The customer in this commercial has clearly suffered a stroke, or is in the process of suffering an epileptic fit, because there's simply no other excuse for forgetting you are in a auto/motorcycle shop and believing that you have been transported to the open road where you are singing a stupid late-60s song (for which there is also simply no excuse.)

2.  The response of the employees is to cover for the customer's awkwardness by joining in with the song.  Which tells me that this is a regular customer who dumps huge amounts of money at this particular shop, because seriously...why else would these people be so quick to bleat a really dumb song like sheep so that their one customer feels less awkward?

3.  None of this has anything to do with insurance.  Which means- yeah, it's a Geico ad.  When was the last time a Geico ad had anything to do with insurance?

Toyota of my dreams? Um, sure Jan. Sure.

 

I imagined myself in a new Toyota once.  The image didn't hold my interest for more than a few seconds.  Probably because....I was imagining myself in a Toyota.

And I don't know why this commercial changes subjects and begins to talk about the "car of my dreams" later on.  Wait- does Jan say "the Toyota of my dreams?"  Um, I'm pretty sure there's no such thing.  If there's a "Toyota of my dreams," there's also a "peanut butter sandwich of my dreams" and a "skim milk of my dreams" and a "ball point pen of my dreams."  

I mean, come on.  If there's a Toyota of your dreams, you traded your dreams a long time ago for the bland comfort of Lowered Expectations.  It's nice that your dreams are so reachable, I guess.  I sometimes really enjoy a good peanut butter sandwich, too. 

First World Problems, Indeed

 

Like this guy, I've spent a good chunk of the last year working from home.  That's where the similarity between my life and this guy's comes to a rather abrupt end.

Unlike this guy, I don't work from a massive, glistening kitchen while my adoring wife and children play nearby.  My workspace looks a bit more like a walk-in closet.  I can compare my apartment to this guy's kitchen in one respect- my apartment is about the same size as this guy's kitchen.

And unlike this guy, I don't have to "worry" about suddenly getting an email ordering me to go out and hire people.  My emails usually involve things like "invitations" to after-hours online staff meetings, requests to grade essays for a third or fourth time, requests to grade tests being turned in late, etc. etc. ETC.  Not "we need you to hire people to work for us."  

And unlike this guy, working from home doesn't mean I'm going to be asked to do something that requires me to find a good service to do most of the heavy lifting for me.  I don't look at my inbox and think "I need to hire a company to do this."  I mean, I MIGHT think that, but it's not really an option.  We are supposed to relate to this jackass when he's faced with the daunting task of hiring people to work for his company.  Oh, poor baby- you get to hire Indeed to find people to contact and dangle jobs in front of from your million-dollar suburban home.  In a country filled with well-qualified applicants desperate to work for fifty percent of what they were making a year ago at this time, yet. 

Again- poor, poor baby.  Don't exhaust yourself with all that "work," buddy.  I want you to have lots of energy when that meteorite crashes into your house and vaporizes your entitled, whiny butt. 

Is it safe to assume that Telesteps also sells Life Insurance?*

 

...Because before I got more than four or five steps up a ladder which is "easily retractable" by squeezing together two flimsy rubber knobs at the bottom, I'd certainly be making sure that my policy was up to date.

Can you even imagine being fifteen feet up in the air, painting a wall or hanging Christmas lights, knowing that your bodily health depends entirely on an Only Available on TV flimsy piece of crap you saw being advertised in between reruns of the Andy Griffith Show at two o'clock in the morning?  I sure can't.  I suspect that the people who would be impressed enough to buy this garbage are also in the market for after-market parachutes and lightly used contact lenses.  There are things I'm willing to cheap out on.  Ladders are NOT one of them. 

*if they do, I'm going to go ahead and assume that it's also "easily retractable," especially when the deceased was killed doing something stupid like using one of their ladders.

NFL Gear Presents: Poser Central (currently Tampa Bay)

 

Oh give me a freaking break.  I own Patriots and Red Sox gear (sweatshirts, jackets, caps,* that kind of thing) but when my team wins I don't strut around like I personally won something.  Because I didn't.  I watched my favorite team win something.   It didn't make me a winner, didn't get me a ring, and sure as hell didn't give me an excuse to deck myself out in I AM A FAN OF THIS CURRENT CHAMPION clothing so I could stand in the middle of the street with my chest puffed out and a look on my face which screams "yeah, I beat your sorry a**, loser punk. Who's your daddy now?"

These people especially need to just Stop Now.  You are "fans" of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  There's a very good chance that you didn't know your city had a freaking NFL franchise until about six weeks ago (I could be generous and suggest they became fans when they heard the Bucs got that Brady guy from New England, but why would I be generous?  When am I ever generous?)  Just admit that you're the kind of "fans" who jump on the bandwagon just before it reaches top speed- like Red Sox "fans" who magically remembered they were fans all at the same time in late October, 2004.  And then went out and bought pink, camo, purple, etc. baseball caps.  And embraced that marketing ploy called "Red Sox Nation."  You people make me sick.  But I digress.

If I didn't want to be sued, I'd suggest that someone knock these smug-for-zero-reason posers in their stupid faces.  But encouraging violence is against the law, in most cases.  Most cases.

*not a Patriots cap, just a Red Sox cap.  Football caps are stupid.

This Cherry Pepsi Commercial gives me hope for America's future

 

Not the commercial itself, mind you.  It's just another brainless Wall of Noise which has any sensible human being lunging for the Mute button and wondering what on Earth is going on at Pepsi that they would think anyone would want to experience this garbage unironically.

No, my hope comes from the comment section (I've never written that before, that's for sure.)  Pretty much all the comments condemn Pepsi for subjecting we the audience to this horrible spectacle which is apparently attempting to be hip or cool or whatever the hell it is that young people are calling it these days.  And I'm guessing that most of the comments are from young people who see right through Pepsi's ridiculous (and probably racist) effort to appeal to the Younger Set with this nonsense. 

Thanks for stepping up, YouTube commenters.  Maybe you are coming around.  This Boomer thinks that there may be hope for you yet.  Now get out of your parents basements, turn off the Game Box, get a job to pay for college, get a career you'll hold on to for forty years and buy a house for a year's salary before you hit 25!*

*Add /s for snark, of course.

PNC Bank "Backhand" commercial makes Negative Sense

 

What does learning a backhand have to do with managing your online banking? Oh right- nothing. Thanks anyway, PNC Bank.  Thanks for not trying.  At all. 

How about this- "if you can read a book in a room the size of a walk-in closet with two other people, one of whom is practicing his backhand wearing virtual reality goggles, you are probably capable of managing your online banking because those are totally similar skills?"  Did you consider going with that?  Because it makes as much sense as this.  At LEAST as much sense.

Also- I assumed when I saw three people in a ridiculously cramped space that this was going to be a commercial for Rocket Mortgage. Seriously, why are all these people in the same room- especially the jackass with the virtual reality goggles? No other place you could be using those, buddy? Like in traffic, for example?