More March Madness-themed crap, this time sponsored by AFLAC

 

So these two loud asshats have nothing better to do with their halftime show than to smash their way into the home of a woman who is already in physical and emotional pain in order to literally pile on by mocking both?

Anyone who has ever had an AFLAC representative appear at a Human Resources meeting knows why the vast majority of people don't purchase AFLAC or anybody else's supplemental insurance:  because it costs an arm and a leg (no pun intended; unlike AFLAC, I don't think serious injury is anything to laugh at.)  The woman the two noxious jackanapes are yelling past most likely didn't buy AFLAC because she didn't think she'd ever need it; it's vastly more likely she didn't buy it because she can't afford it. 

So AFLAC is the kind of company owned and operated by people who think that most Americans are just greedy, short-sighted idiots who won't do the very simple thing and throw hundreds of dollars a month that they don't have at an insurance company so they can get bills taken care of if they suffer an injury.  Not that most Americans have a hard enough time paying for the insurance provided in part by their employer.

And AFLAC is also the kind of company which will go out and hire someone to make a commercial in which two grinning, screeching idiots will destroy part of an injured woman's home and then laughingly sneer at the injured woman who Should Have Known Better than to reject the opportunity to pay for extra insurance she couldn't afford.

Seriously, take that duck, take these wastes of perfectly good skin and oxygen, and jump off the nearest high cliff, please.  Stop adding to OUR pain. 

Because I like March Madness, I have to deal with crap like this from Capital One

 

Here's a quick quiz:  What do Spike Lee, Samuel L Jackson and Charles Barkley have in common?

A.  They are all multi-millionaires.

B.  None of them give a flying damn about Rewards Points.

C.  No matter how much money they have, none of them are adverse to making total fools out of themselves on tv in order to get a little more.

D.  None of them has an NBA Championship Ring.

E.  All of the Above

Amazon Alexa Pompeii Commercial: Because People Are the Dumb

 

1.  This ugly twerp, finding himself unable to answer a question from his daughter,* attempts to hide his ignorance- and avoid saying "I don't know"- by consulting the brains of the family.  Since it's a history question, its kind of like being transported back in time....

2.  I have zero problem imagining that if this stupid shlub found himself in the city of Pompeii in the middle of the eruption of Mount Vesuvius, he'd be self-centered enough to try to stop random scared-out-of-their-wits locals to ask them to provide an answer to his daughter's question.  

3.  I also have zero problem with the "citizens of Pompeii can speak English" bit, because that's just par for the course in tv commercials.  Everyone speaks 21st century English, all the time.  Just like the citizens of Italy today (no kidding- everyone there DOES speak English.  But they sure as hell didn't in 79 A.D.**  Probably because the language didn't exist yet.)

4.  This guy is a moron.  Everyone with even a passing acquaintance with history knows that Mount Vesuvius erupted, burying Pompeii and Herculaneum.  But not this idiot.  Which is why he's dependent on a talking Google box to at least try to look semi-educated.  

*we don't get a good look at this guy's wife, but considering that the daughter doesn't look like an ugly WASPy little mutant, I'm assuming she's a hot little trophy.  Another example of what money can do- this little twerp can get himself a beautiful wife and a big house despite having no brains because money is the ultimate equalizer.

**so the residents of Pompeii thought it was the year "79 A.D." while their town was being destroyed, did they?  Wow, the Dionysian System sure caught on fast, didn't it?  In Pompeii, it even predated Dionysus by 500 years!

General Stupidity

 

I always love the "...even if you've got less than perfect credit" line in these ads.  Though it would be more accurate if it read "especially if you've got crap credit," because The General exists for the same reason Rent A Center exists- to provide a service to people who have proven themselves to be unreliable borrowers or bad drivers in the past.  Yeah, no kidding it's available "even if you've got less than perfect credit"- if you've got anything close to perfect credit, you're not going to be getting month-to-month insurance coverage with ridiculously high deductibles any more than you're going to get hyped about paying $99 a month for sixteen years for a big-screen tv. 

And driving without insurance isn't just a "bad idea." It's illegal.  In every state (yes, even in New Hampshire, where they put the dumb in Freedom.)  Driving illegally is a bad idea, sure. Was that your actual point, though?

And let's distract everyone with the "funny" tattoo accident bit.  It certainly worked with several people who felt compelled to comment below this Youtube post, especially people who were totally psyched at seeing some guy they recognized from some other show in this ad because there is absolutely, positively nothing going on in their lives at all.

Thanks for nothing, Skype.

 

What we're supposed to see:  people "sharing" and "communicating" despite COVID using Skype and their electronic devices.

What I see:  evidence that people are just as noisy,* annoying, and devoid of imagination on Skype as they are in person. 

*Seriously, this ad is just one 90-second long wall of noise.  Plus, it's so jittery and frenetic that it should come with a seizure warning.  Too many faces lunging at the camera, too many cutaways, and again...too. Much. Noise.  

I've been assaulted by the voice of the narrator in this Mercedes Benz Commercial

 

Wow, this guy is sooooo rugged and awesome and cool, with his five-day's growth and faraway look in his eye and guts to Go The Extra Mile in his, um.....Mercedes Benz Van.  I didn't even know Mercedes Benz made a van, but I guess it's the vehicle you just have to drive if you want to Go Further along that extra mile.  After all,  if  want to bring Manly Tool Boxes to your out of the way Second Home in the Country where you do Outdoorsy stuff, or you want to go off fishing, you're gonna need instant Bluetooth Connectivity along for the ride, right?

And check out the look this guy gives us at the end of this ad.  Thanks for being so punchable, jackass. 

Wow Cups- For people who have little people, go figure

 

Or "When I don't feel like watching tv but do feel like because it's Saturday I really ought to do a post, go to an old As Seen on TV commercial."  Hey, this site isn't monetized, so if this kind of cheap cop-out annoys you, that's just too bad.  

Know another way you can avoid all these insane- and sometimes damaging (that's a LAPTOP right next to that cup!  I've watched enough tv to know that if there's ever a large container filled with liquid next to a laptop, that laptop is DOOMED!) spills?  Just don't have any kids.  Not only do you avoid 99 percent of all the spills that happen in an average person's life, but you also avoid college funds for people who aren't you, vaccines for people who aren't you, clothes, shoes and food for people who aren't you...and you end up a multimillionaire before you're forty years of age.  And you still have all your hair.

And guess what happens if you do have kids and you do get them these Wow cups?  Here's your answer- the kids will do everything possible to spill liquids out of those Wow cups.  Just take a look at what these little monsters are doing with their cups- they are drinking from them while hanging upside down on beds.  They are knocking them off of kitchen counters.  THEY ARE USING THEM NEXT TO LAPTOPS!  

(I have to admit, I do like when the little girl drops her cup and throws her arms down in frustration, like she's thinking "I am SO SICK OF BEING A KID AND HAVING TO DEAL WITH GRAVITY!"  She's awesome.)

Ok, whatever.  If you insist on having kids, you'd better childproof that once-quiet, once-clean house that used to be your quiet sanctuary from the kid-filled world with latches for your cabinets filled with delicious poisons, little plugs for the electrical sockets you forgot you had until you bought into the Must Have Kids meme, and Wow cups.  But I'll remind you that if you don't have kids, you can skip the Wow cups and all the rest and sleep stress-free on a mountain of cash, like I do, every single night.   Choose Wisely.