Apple reminds us that homework, like everything else, is more fun if you're rich

 

The weekend's homework is "Gravity."  Well, this teacher certainly isn't running any risk of confusing kids as to the parameters of the assignment, is he?  

"What's your science homework this weekend, honey?"  

"Gravity."

"What about it?"

99 percent of the kids who are given the assignment "gravity" and who actually want to get a good grade in the class will look up the word "gravity" on Google (if they have internet access) or an Encyclopedia and write a few words about what other people have said about gravity.  If they are lucky, there's a library open nearby and they can get a timed-entry appointment to visit it the few hours it's open on Saturday, and maybe they can find some good articles about gravity and photocopy a few pictures on the library's copying machine for ten cents a page.  The result of several hours of work is a decent-for-the-grade-level report on gravity stapled together or placed in a three-ring binder, and once upon a time that report would probably earn an A and praise for the effort.

The other 1 percent will whip out their thousand-dollar iPads and put together a two-minute film featuring gravity at work.  Those other kids wrote that watermelons and eggs fall to the ground at equal speeds, but here's a film SHOWING that phenomenon, created by the iPad Cody got for Christmas which is in a color that matches the Lexus mom got.  That 1 percent had a great time doing their homework because they had this expensive piece of technology that did practically all the work for them while they "demonstrated gravity" by playing on tire swing and dropping food off of bridges.  And while a pile of stapled hand-written essays on gravity sit on the teacher's desk, the teacher is in raptures over the awesome, professional-quality film about gravity that 1 percent of kids were able to produce while having fun. 

I teach Advanced Placement US History.  The cumulative test is scheduled for next month.  It will be taken by some 350,000 High School students, some of whom have access to Apps, review videos and practice tests created by The College Board to help kids with access to tech maximize their performance on the exam.  Most of the students who take the exam will rely on their notes, textbooks, and maybe a prep book or two because they do NOT have the ability to access this tech.  Watching this commercial from Apple, it's more than a little depressing to see that the gulf between the haves and have nots is not being created when kids get to High School but much earlier- like, the moment the children first enter the public school system.  I wonder how much attention and praise those homely hand-written reports sitting on his desk will get compared to the flashy video created by a piece of expensive tech and a group of kids who learned how to use it before they learned how to count because their parents could afford to purchase it.  

Oh, and one word to the obnoxious narrator attempting to bleat a poem during this awful celebration of privilege:  As you describe homework, it still "stinks" for 99 percent of kids.  The message of your little poem is actually "homework does NOT stink if you're rich.  Since 99 percent of kids are not rich, it still stinks for 99 percent of kids.  But this commercial is not aimed at those kids." 

PapaJohns: the official pizza of intolerance for everything but The Dumb

 

"Wait up wait up wait up!  PapaJohns has stuffed pizza now, only thirty years after it became a thing pretty much everywhere else!  Wow, ain't that something!  All our texts and tweets and Facebook posts and phone calls we spent years producing because if we stopped and thought for one minute about what we think is important we'd kill ourselves finally paid off!  FINALLY, PapaJohn's Only Slightly More Tasty Than The Box It Comes In Carbs and Sugar 'pizza' comes with stuffed crust to make it even more toxic!  Wooooheee next time we have a family reunion we're skipping Golden Corral and just having PapaJohns deliver!"

I hate this country so very, very much.

Apple and "The Underdogs," Part II

 

Ok, I get it now.  These "Underdog" commercials are all written- or at least approved by- executives who are convinced that Remote Working translates into "paying people to sit around in their pajamas doing pretty much nothing."  

It's really hard to believe that any of the "underdogs" ever actually functioned in an office setting.  Outside of the office, their lives are a disorganized mess all the time.  Worse, they feel compelled to set up their cameras so their coworkers can SEE that they are a disorganized mess.  One guy won't even get dressed- he's unshaven, in a bathrobe and shorts, and he's got his camera rigged so you can see his disgusting messy house and screaming kid.  He's practically begging his boss (who he's deathly afraid of- like all his coworkers are) to can his sorry butt.  And the rest of them are also acting like they have no idea how to function if they aren't being monitored in the office.   I have been in a lot of Zoom meetings this year.  I have never treated any of them like they are intrusions on my Sleeping or Binge-Watching Netflix or Yoga time.  And many of them have been After Hours, when I might feel comfortable to be somewhat more casual.  These people are acting like they aren't quite awake- and their brains certainly aren't at work- during Office Hours. 

One of them has his kids all week.  Um, maybe you should take the week off.  Oh, but maybe you don't have any vacation days saved up.  Well, then, maybe you should just Deal.   One of them has his mother "all the time" (the same disgusting dicktard who finds it necessary to eat spaghetti and meatballs during a meeting.)    And you're using this as an excuse for why you can't be expected to work on a deadline?  Seriously, what planet are you guys from?

I really, really hope that my school administrators never see any of these "Underdog" commercials.  I'd hate for them to think that the time I spent teaching online bore any resemblance to what is happening here.  These jackasses are just asking to be fired, except they certainly appreciate that paycheck that keeps coming as their will to be even a little bit productive crumbles by the hour.  

I'm really looking forward to the sequel: "the Unemployed." 

Apple and "The Underdogs," Part I

 

Wow, so this woman got a meeting with a Much More Important Person Than She Is because that MMIPTSI hit her car?  And when that MMIPTSI said "is there anything I can do" in a threatening "I'm better than you, what are you going to do about it? tone, this woman's response was to beg for a meeting- and then be willing to be VERY flexible about when that meeting would take place?  Personally, I would have been screaming that I had been severely burned by my spilled coffee, plus we needed to exchange insurance information BECAUSE YOU JUST HIT MY CAR DAMMIT!

Instead, the victim goes up to the office and informs her sad group of shlub coworkers that they have an opportunity to present their Super Awesome Idea to a MMIPTSI this Thursday (yes, THIS Thursday.)  One of her coworkers complains that they need two weeks, not two days.  Another says he's going to be sick.  Because there's just no way they are going to put together their Super Awesome Idea of.....um....selling delivery pizza in round boxes* instead of square ones.  I mean, that's such a complicated, out-of-the-box (lousy pun not intended) concept, there's just NO WAY they can figure out way to sell it in what I guess is a non-tv version of Shark Tank in just TWO DAYS!

Anyway, this goes on and on AND on and we get to see these stupid whiny putzes complain nonstop as they maneuver the next two days and try to convince us that this round pizza box concept requires more than a few seconds of thinking and an entire staff to bring into reality.  We get to see someone in bed.  We get to see another person in the shower.  The idea is that the lives of this entire staff of morons has been turned upside down because they have literally hours to turn the concept of round pizza boxes into a "prototype" (no kidding, they use that word) to show to Vivian, the VIP (I'm just going with VIP now) who hit a woman's car and is paying the damages by giving her and her sad coworkers a meeting.

I don't know how this turns out.  I don't care.  Something to do with Apple.  It's just way too stupid and I've spent enough time on this already, and comments are turned off and I've never seen this ad on TV which suggests to me that my reaction pretty much lines up with the common response to this steaming nugget of dumb from the most awful corporation on the planet that doesn't belong to Jeff Bezos (yet.)

*the reason why pizza boxes are square is because square boxes are easy to fold, close and stack.  This is so obvious that it will completely escape this entire group never mind that they've spent countless hours thinking about it.  It will be the first thing Vivian brings up in Thursday's meeting, which will end fifteen seconds later with a lot of downturned eyes and red faces and memories of a bumper which still needs to be fixed. 

Terrance, Creditrepair.com, and ten reasons I don't give a flip

 

1.  Kids are not hobbies.  I know this was a throwaway line meant to make you endearing and relatable, but it fell flat.  And it gets even flatter when we hear your pathetic story later.

2.  "I worked for the Ford Motor Industry, and as you know that took a big hit.  I got into real estate..." wait, hold up.  You lost your job in the auto industry, and your first move was to get into house flipping?  I have less and less sympathy for you by the SECOND.

3.  "It kind of pushed my situation back so I had to file bankruptcy...." that's an interesting way to put it. You had no job, so you got into real estate, and it "pushed your situation back" (you took a bad situation and through a really stupid, irresponsible decision you made it worse.)  And then you had to file bankruptcy.  Uh huh.  The sympathy well is bone dry, and I'm moving closer to "F-- off with the sob story" territory.

4.  "And that's the first time I was told what my credit really was....being really young...." now we are digging UNDERNEATH the sympathy well.  This assclown lost his job, got into real estate...and didn't know what his credit was.  Glad you took the time to produce children too, because it demonstrates that there's at least one adult out there even dumber and more irresponsible than you are.  

5.  "About three or four months ago, I started thinking about buying a new house..." we are less than a minute in to a two-minute commercial, and I'm already so very done with this guy.  And I just KNOW we are going to hear the word "deserved" used unironically before this is over.

6.  "My score was...well, I don't want to say it was poor...well yeah, it was poor.  And that's when I decided to get into getting the score fixed."  The score wasn't broken, moron.  It was exactly where it should be for a guy who declared bankruptcy.  The score is there to protect creditors from bad risks.  You admitted you are a bad risk.  

7.  "We had a good conversation....when I see a deletion, I know it's not just sitting there, and they are doing what they are supposed to be doing."  They are supposed to be removing warning flags from your credit report, so you can screw over future creditors?  "I have a sense of gratitude..." yeah, I bet you do.

8.  "I feel like it's a time saver, it's worth...whatever the cost is..." just keep digging, buddy.  You don't know how much this is costing you, and you DON'T CARE because it's a "time saver."  This guy has learned absolutely nothing from his experience.  He got into severe credit difficulties because he was in a hurry, and now he's in a hurry to get those difficulties fixed- and, again, Cost Be Damned because hell, if it turns out to be too much, there's always bankruptcy court, right?  Terrance probably has the number on speed dial by now.

9.  He's going to "sit down and show his kids what good credit is."  And how to get it, right?  I want to be in the room when that conversation happens:  "See, kids, it's ok to f--k up and make really dumb financial moves because you can just declare bankruptcy and call a credit repair service and they'll make it all go away for money which doesn't mean anything because you don't have it anyway."  And the damage is passed to the next generation.

10.  "Thanks to Creditrepair.com I'll be able to get that house my wife has been on my about...." why the hell did she marry your sad, sorry ass if she wanted a house so badly?  Where you completely honest with her about your situation before she tied herself to your pathetic life and lousy credit?  And I'm sorry, but even if your credit is "repaired," that prior bankruptcy is still going to be there- who the hell is going to hand you a chunk of money to buy a house?  Seriously, what the hell is the matter with you? 

And why didn't you say the word "deserve" like I thought for sure you would?  Every other person in these ads uses the word "deserve," because somehow borrowing money and not paying it back equals "deserve more credit at a decent interest rate."  Because I live on Mars and I'm constantly taking Crazy Pills.  Enjoy getting bitch-slapped by reality when you go for that home loan, Terrance. 

The smiling liars at American Residential Warranty are at it again

 

Pretty much the last time this commercial is honest is just a few seconds in, when we the invisible audience are asked if we know that appliances can cost a lot of money to fix or replace.  Um, yes.  We know this.  Thanks for playing.

And then....the lying by omission/sleight of hand begins.

Know what American Residential Warranty (be free to confuse it with American Home Shield, because it's basically the same scummy, scammy company) offers?  Well, ARW "can" "help" with repairs to those appliances that are always breaking down and forcing you to reach for your checkbook (because in the weird world of Home Warranty Commercials, even customers who are clearly under the age of 50 still use CHECKS to pay repair bills.) 

The service plans start at "less than a dollar a day."  And considering that the BEST plans offered by these sleazebags cover next to nothing, that rock-bottom price service plan is the very best deal they've got going.  If I'm going to get a big fat "no, sorry" every time I call ARW to file a claim, I'm going to want to pay as little as possible, thanks very much.

"You pay a small service fee..." I'm so sorry, this is another little shred of honesty I originally overlooked.  Because this is how warranties work, I guess:  you pay for the warranty, and then you pay again to use it.  Whether you end up getting the appliance in question covered or not.  See, that way, ARW makes money when you pay your premium AND when an appliance breaks.  It's clear how much this benefits....um, someone.  Someone who is not you.

"I woke up on a Saturday morning and there was no hot water in the shower..." good thing, considering you were walking into that shower wearing a towel.  I mean, that's just weird, lady.  

"All covered repairs will be taken care of."  This is the sleight of hand I referred to earlier.  If you give me thirty dollars a month, I'll take care of all covered repairs too.  

"Call now, there's no obligation."  Um, no kidding.  Who the hell has to be told that just calling for information doesn't obligate one to purchase anything?  Oh, right- old people.  Old people who feel guilty because they "took so much time" from the "nice person on the phone."  Old people who go through every day afraid that they are one mechanical failure away from a big bill they can't afford.  

Ugh, I hate these people so much.  Extended warranties NEVER pay.  Home Appliance Warranties are even worse.  At the very most, if you really don't mind paying too much for peace of mind, go ahead and get several separate warranties from the people who sold you your washer and dryer, dishwasher, furnace, A/C, etc.  Do NOT blow your money with one of these "one size covers nothing" deals.   Send me your money instead.  I'll take care of all covered repairs.  Thirty bucks a month. 

Is Rybelsus the Mark of the Beast??

 

Hopefully we all know by now that the reason for the pretty graphics and smiling people and jump cuts and above all LOUD MUSIC in pharmaceutical ads is to hide the required-by-law list of disclaimers (possible side effects) that accompany them.  But it turns out that it's even worse than I thought:  One YouTuber has discovered that if you play this ad backwards, you'll hear a subliminal message....

Don't worry, parents.  It has nothing to do with Satan.  Technically.

(By the way, the Rybelsus commercial includes my absolute favorite line in the history of television ads. Near the end, in small print, you can clearly see the words "drinking plenty of fluids may reduce your chances of dehydration."  MIND BLOWN!)