Folger's joins the Apple Down With Remote "Working" crusade

 

First of all, who is the artist singing this song?  She sounds like she was hired because she's the out of work sister of the producer.   Her voice is AWFUL.  And was she also left responsible for writing the lyrics, too?  Because, come on- nobody in this ad looks like they are "trying hard not to snap."  They just look comfortable, if half-asleep, and perfectly fine in their new reality of waking up a little later every morning, avoiding the commute, and making showering optional.

Second, why is this woman so determined to keep her little kid off the screen?  The brat just wants to know what's going on.  He'll take one look at these boring ugly choads and lose interest, I promise you, mom.  You don't have to wave that hot coffee pot around his face and then move your mug from side to side for fear that your coworkers will realize that you have a kid.  This is just dumb.  

Why can't this woman give that kid something to do so he isn't "preventing" her from blathering whatever bland nonsense she is blathering into her screen without manipulating coffee pots and cups?  Oh right- because she isn't used to this whole "parenting" thing and doesn't know what to do with this kid because usually he's in the care of professionals and she is  at the office drinking coffee in front of another screen.

Finally- one of her workers switches his camera off, leaving a Folger's logo.  This tickles some of the people in the YouTube comments.  It suggests to me that these people all work for Folger's and that's the official camera-off default screen they are required to use.  And now I have to rethink this entire ad and wonder if the woman wasn't trying to shield her kid that whole time but was instead just trying to hypnotize her coworkers by waving coffee in their faces and her kid just happened to be standing in the background.

Liberty Mutual lets Geico know they aren't going to let the gekko Own the Dumb

 

I get that the Statue of Liberty is in the public domain so Liberty Mutual can't be prevented from using it in all of it's advertising, but the thing is-- they DON'T use it in ANY of their advertising.  It's just a stupid backdrop for commercials that are becoming increasingly brain-dead and pointless.

I mean, it wasn't all that long ago that these ads were actually talking about INSURANCE- how Liberty Mutual allows you to "only pay for what you need" (as if any of us "know what we need" before the fact- if I'm a "safe driver," I guess I only "need" the bare minimum required by law...until I hit a kid dashing across the road in front of me and put him in the intensive care war, at which point I "need" considerably more coverage that I don't have because, after all, I'm a "safe driver.")  Then we started to get stupid "hey, Liberty Mutual has a cool App" nonsense featuring a kid in a cell phone suit jumping into piles of rice.  Those weren't informative in the slightest (are there any large insurance companies that DON'T offer apps these days?) 

And now, we've hit what I hope is rock bottom with an ad featuring a guy selling...wet teddy bears.  Because maybe that's "what you need?"  What does this have to do with insurance at all?  Absolutely nothing.  Just a big neon "we've run out of ideas" middle finger from Liberty Mutual.  One that I didn't ask for or want, let alone "need."

Verizon's obnoxious "drop a better phone next time" commercial

 

1.  I find it hard to believe that the first guy we see is real.  That's CGI, isn't it?  He looks like he's made of plastic.  I mean, I can't be the only person who finds him downright creepy.

2.  This woman is an absolute gibbering moron.  She's "broken every phone she's ever owned."  And she's giggling about it.  She demonstrates her clueless clumsiness by dropping her phone for our benefit. And then she suggests that she "wants something new."  Well, sure.  I know that if I was constantly breaking an expensive piece of electronics, that would be my response, too. 

3.  So now you can turn in your broken phone for credit on a new one.  Because the only thing more satisfying than breaking something that costs $500 is breaking something that costs $1000, especially when you got a $500 credit for the phone you are turning in.   Feel free to continue to break expensive, fragile electronics, people- Verizon is ready to "reward" you with credit for a new piece of expensive, fragile electronics.

4.  Somehow, the stupid thoughtless doofuses who are constantly mishandling and breaking items that the vast majority of people on Earth (including the people who assemble them) can only dream of actually owning are quickly talked into believing that they "deserve" an even better phone because they broke their old one through utter carelessness.  Not only is this not worthy of a smile and a giggle, it isn't even worthy of my contempt or further comment.  So I'll just stop here.

Ready or not (and we are not ready,) Disney World is Reopening

 

(Anyone else think that statue in the opening of this commercial looks like it belongs in Red Square, not Disney World?)

This is Disney's "f-- it, we played nice with this whole COVID thing but business is business" great big middle finger to responsibility.  No more excuses, parents:  your kids are going to see this ad sooner or later, and they'll remember how many times you said "as soon as Disney World reopens, we'll go."  You'll regret not saying "as soon as everyone is vaccinated" or "as soon as we've achieved herd immunity" or at the very least "as soon as I consider it safe."  But you didn't say that.  You decided to leave the fate of your kids and yourself in the hands of the gigantic money monster that sees you as nothing more than walking credit cards waiting to be drained which was just waiting for a green light from one of the most anti-mask, anti-science governors in the entire country.  The Walt Disney Corporation and Ron DeSantis say "welcome back," so it's time to stand in line at the airport, take a plane to Orlando, and get ready to spend several days standing in sweltering,* stinking (hopefully mask-wearing, but this is Central Florida, after all, so good luck with that- you're likely to see a lot more MAGA hats than masks) sweaty crowds filled with screaming kids and noxious, cloying tinny music coming out of speakers disguised as rocks.  Enjoy all the Superspreading fun!

*I've never been to Orlando, but I've been to Tampa in June.  I can't imagine wanting to spend hours outdoors by myself in those humid conditions.  Add tens of thousands of people and a lot of noise? Pass.

(And what's the most depressing thing about this ad?  Check out the date it was released.  July, 2020.  

Yep, super responsible, Disney.)

Subway Is Really Making Me Hungry

 

Because nothing could make me want a cheap, mass-produced junk sandwich made by an underpaid high school dropout who thinks that COVID is a hoax than seeing a basketball player, comedian or some other somewhat-famous tv personality hold up an obviously rubber facsimile of a grinder* and tell me how much he enjoys eating at Subway when he isn't doing the basketball or comedy thing.

*I'm from New England.  It's called a grinder or a hoagie.  It can only be a "sub" if it's cold, and Subway Sandwiches can be hot.  So they are grinders or heroes, not subs.  I feel like I should block comments now, just in case this one of those triggering subjects that I'll wish I had avoided, like "Howard Stern is overrated" or "DirectTV ads are racist."

Not in the mood to be generous to phone sales losers

 

I found this gem of a training video while looking for a visual version of an ad for sales training I keep hearing on XM.  If you have XM or it's running on terrestrial radio you've probably heard it too: the one where the guy spits a hundred stats at you at about a hundred miles an hour with absolutely no citations:  "Did you know that 90 percent of your sales are made by 20 percent of your sales force?  Did you know that 88 percent of salesmen never even make contact with the customers?  Did you know that 79 percent of customers are 56 percent more likely to walk into 96 percent of stores offering at least 81 percent of what they want to purchase?  Does this ad make you at least 68 percent more grateful that you stayed awake in school and didn't turn out to be a piece of s--t sales monkey?"

Anyway, this video is definitely worth a listen, and is especially more fun when like me you've just wasted some cold-calling Car Warranty scammer's time (almost 22 minutes today,* and I only hung up because mom needed to use the phone!)  I've talked to enough scammers to know that they are very quick to ask "when is a good time to call?" when you tell them you're too busy.  Much better to waste their time with friendly chitchat so they aren't available to try to steal someone else's money.  

I didn't get through the entire video- does it end with a polite suggestion that lots of pawn shops sell handguns and a quick bullet to the brain will end the misery of being one of these sad little sales monkeys?

*not actually "today," but I've had this post stored in the archives for a while......

Geico hands Dikembe Mutombo some money to beat that dead horse some more

 

This schtick has made an unrequested return from the dead because Geico, as usual, has absolutely nothing to day about its insurance. Come to think of it, Geico has NEVER had anything to say about its own insurance except to say its been around for a long time and might be cheaper than its competitors.  So these "happier than...." wastes of brain cells are callback to an old ad campaign with the same message:  Geico either doesn't know how to sell insurance or might know how to sell insurance but doesn't know how to sell ITS insurance.  So we get CGI pigs and lizards and crap like this instead.

And maybe I'm not the only one out there who didn't want to see this stuff make a comeback- the comments are, after all, blocked.  Good sign.