Kia sells crappy cars, not Therapy for Boomers

 

Not that anyone is ever going to do anything like what we see in this commercial while driving a freaking KIA anyway, but....even if some middle-aged boomer with inadequacy issues decides to take his Suburban SameMobile off-road and roar up a path to the summit of some mountain in a vain attempt to feel just a little bit alive for a few seconds, I am sorry to report to Said Boomer that the mountain you just "conquered" with your the OvercompensationMobile you purchased because your bank account isn't quite large enough for the kind of vehicle that actually does stuff like this doesn't give one flying damn that you reached the top of it.  You may be roaring because you depressed a gas pedal and got yourself somewhat sexually excited because you went Really Fast up a Mountain Trail and (bonus) probably ran over a few animals while doing so, but all you really accomplished was putting a few deep scratches abd some noticeable dents into the car that will be sitting in the driveway of 506 Whitebread Avenue when you slink back to your- um- castle.  And the mountain isn't whimpering.  The mountain doesn't give a damn about your issues. 

I have a better question, McDonald's....

 

...and yes, it's going to sound mean.  Maybe even cruel.  But I have to ask anyway....

What planet is the boy in this commercial from?  I mean, come on.  That is the creepiest, weirdest looking kid I've seen in an ad since that squishy blob  who used to go around his neighborhood bleating to everyone he knew about how to get better Broadband so he'll want to hang out at their houses.  What the hell is with that hair? Why does he wear it so that his head looks like a 2000-watt bulb?  Why does it look like he hasn't washed it since the Lockdown started last spring?

Ok, never mind.  I know I'm just being an insensitive jerk.  I'll just ask another question instead.  What the hell is it about this commercial that would make me want to hit the McDonald's Dollar Menu?  I'd have to be ravenous to go to a McDonald's for anything other than coffee in the first place.  This ad makes me far less hungry than I was before I saw it.  It's stupid, cringey and kind of gross because, seriously, that kid....oh sorry, I'm fixating now.  

Nissan Rogue's "Runaway Bride" ad has disturbingly racist undertones

 

1.  I watched this several times without sound before finally turning up the volume and hearing the bride's "explanation" of what the hell was going on here.  It didn't help in the slightest.  Without sound, it appears to be the story of a victim of a sex-trafficking ring managing to sneak the keys to a conveniently parked Nissan Rogue and making a mad dash for freedom.

2.  The bride doesn't look the least bit frightened, despite the fact that she's being chased at high speeds by the groom.  She's too busy telling us how she made the right decision in jumping into the Nissan Rogue to make her escape, otherwise she might....um....

3.  What are we supposed to think will happen if the groom manages to "catch" (run off the road?) his intended?  Is he going to knock her unconscious with a clout to the jaw and carry her back to the ceremony over his shoulder?  Is he going to murder her for shaming him and disgracing his family?  This is so disturbing.  If it's much more innocent than it appears to me,* well, I guess I apologize, Nissan.  But still....

4.  Where is this wedding taking place?  It sure looks like an American wedding, what with the very Western dress, cars, etc.  So if she doesn't want to get married, why does she feel the need to make a run for it like this?  Why not be an actual adult and just tell the guy she doesn't want to marry him (and do it before the ceremony, so you don't leave him heartbroken/humiliated?

*this is one of those commercials where a little less diversity might have been a better choice.  I can't be the only viewer who is more than a little disturbed by a commercial featuring a white, blonde woman fleeing a marriage to a dark-skinned, Middle-Eastern looking man.  The optics are just awful here, Nissan. 

Apple redefines Chutzpah with it's "Mind Your Own Business" ad

 

I wish I had a dime for every time 

1.  I overheard completely private information being bleated over a phone while I was innocently standing in line, sitting at an airport gate, sitting in a subway, or simply walking down the street.  I don't eavesdrop.  It's just that there's something about cell phones that seem to automatically zap the part of the brain that gives us our sense of place and surroundings.

2.  I was forced to listen to some stupid-as-f--k Netflix comedy, music video etc. while in a confined space (like the airport gate or subway) because the Sociopath with a Cellphone couldn't be bothered with ear buds. 

3.  I've seen warnings NOT to use a cell phone to access bank or any other sensitive information while using public WiFi, which fall on deaf ears because Wait A Minute I Have to Wait Till I Get Home to Do Something?  What is this, Russia?

So when I see an ad in which Smart Phone users are encouraged to use a tool which basically tells the people around them to "mind their own business," well...seriously, the vast majority of us want to do nothing more.  It's the Smart Phone users who are constantly shoveling their business on the rest of us.  Is this really so hard to understand?

Miller Lite ignores the real "big mistake:" buying Light Beer in the first place

 

Your friends sent you to the corner grocery to buy crappy beer, and you came THIS CLOSE to accidentally buying the wrong crappy beer.  Fortunately you got beer shamed by the cashier, who shouldn't give a flying damn which beer he chooses to stock you decide to buy unless one costs more than the other, and you're already high on SOMETHING* because you think that the bobbleheads are also passing judgement on your choice of beer. 

So you are going to go back to your friends with a beer which, you'll explain, has "more taste" and "only one more calorie" than the beer they thought you were going to come back with, and explain that you know this because the look on the cashier's face, the bobbleheads, and the voice in your head told you so.  That'll teach your friends to never, ever send you on a beer run again.  And I mean NEVER.

*whatever it is, it isn't light beer. That's a physical impossibility. 

What Nissan calls "Fiercely Imagined..."

 

...is just More of the Same Stale Trope we've all seen ten thousand times:  A boring suburban family (being diverse doesn't make you interesting by default, sorry.  It's 2021.  That ship has sailed) overcompensating for their miserably bland existence with an overpriced toy featuring overpriced toys like a dial which allows you to switch from 2-wheel to 4-wheel drive instantly, and never you damn mind that 99.9 percent of the Already Dead Let's Schedule the Funeral losers who are the market audience for this Blandmobile will never, ever have use for more than 2-wheel drive.  Because they won't ever find themselves driving in a desert, up a mountain, or any other interesting place with their Nissan Uppermiddleclassmobile.  They just like to play Pretend with it, and now they can, because it will compensate for your daydreaming with a smart-tech braking system.  It won't compensate for anything else that's lacking in your life- and that's obviously a lot- but it will prevent you from murdering an innocent person with your desperate need to feel like you are doing something adventurous by buying something that screams Safely Conformist Whole Foods Shopper. 

I'm angry at Oura, and I know it

 

I swear, there are so many people out there who just have money burning holes in their pockets.   You can tell who they are; they live in palace apartment buildings which loom over every other structure in their city, they drive cars with every bell and whistle imaginable, and they have no problem plunking down God Knows How Much money for stupid Woo nonsense like Oura.  

As for the comments, well....money can buy pretty much anything, can't it?