I wasn't born yesterday either, Consumer Cellular.

 

One of the people in this ad was born in 1968.  Another was born in 1970.  I don't know when the third was born, but she looks like she's maybe 60.  But because Consumer Cellular is trapped in the 1990s when it comes to thinking about anyone over the age of thirty, we are told that one huge benefit of Consumer Cellular products is that they are super-easy to use and therefore should be appealing to anyone who has reached an age where anything more complicated than a microwave is befuddling Fairy Tale Magic or something.  It's like Consumer Cellular thinks that if you're over thirty, you might as well be Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer without the slightest idea of how all these fancy do-hickies like Personal Computers and Phones You Can Carry Around With You What WILL they think of Next actually function.

Give me a break.  Those people who were born in 1968 and 1970 were using PCs in college, and have been online since they were in their mid-20s.  They probably got their first cell phone before they reached the age of thirty.  So how did using a cell phone and dealing with cell phone bills (we know how disorganized Middle Aged People are when it comes to managing bills, don't we?) become super-complicated and waaaaay over their heads?  This just stinks of Old People Are Clueless ageism, and man is that bar for what counts as "too old to handle tech" getting lower by the minute. 

And in the meantime, can we go back to showing actual old people in these ads?  I know Consumer Cellular wants to expand it's market, but I'm really not ready to see people YOUNGER THAN I AM going for Easy to Understand cell phone services and phones with Big Uncomplicated Buttons Because Everyone Knows Your Brain Stops Working When You Reach That Age.   I'm seriously feeling triggered right now- that's the phrase the cool kids are using these days, right?

Facebook Portal: There's No Escape

 

Yep, I'm going to rag on Facebook Portal a little more.  Sue me.

The tech for video phones existed back in the 1950s, but we didn't get them because of lack of demand. That's right, good old-fashioned Capitalism killed the video phone because for decades people didn't feel the need to see the person they were talking to- in fact, didn't want to see the person they were talking to, and didn't want the person they were talking to see them, either.  In a way, it was about maintaining privacy- I'll talk to you but I'm not going to invite you into my personal space,  and I'm not tidying up my apartment or making sure my background is pleasing to the eyes just because I need to talk to you on the phone.

Then we got the ability to see who we were talking to on our phones- and the vast majority of us preferred not to use that feature.  In fact, we seemed to do a lot more texting than talking, because it seems safer and less formal and (best of all) we can just stop texting and don't have to go through any awkward "well, I better get going" moments leading to "goodbyes" when we can mercifully hang the hell up and get on with our lives.

Well, Capitalism is all done waiting for us to want to use the tech it invested heavily in.  You can talk to people through Facebook Portal while on your laptop, but that's not good enough, either- so here's a camera you can attach to your 60-inch HDTV, now instead of watching that baseball game you can talk to a huge version of that person you just (maybe) wanted to talk to for two minutes in glorious MassiveVision in your living room.  And that person can see your entire living room while you talk.  And if you thought "well, gotta go" was slightly awkward over a regular phone, and significantly more awkward in a Zoom call, how do you think you're going to pull it off while talking to someone who looks like they are standing right in front of you?  What are you going to say, "it's been fun but I really want to do something other than be in front of this camera, and there IS this baseball game on I kind of want to watch....?"

Sorry, Capitalism.  I can't even begin to describe how very uninterested I am in buying into any of this. In fact, this makes texting look better than ever.  

This Facebook Portal Commercial is why Mute buttons were invented

 

It's also why YouTube Prime is totally worth it.  I feel badly for anyone who finds himself ambushed by this horror of a commercial featuring squeaky morons laughing over....something...anything....I don't care what.  No power on Earth can make me turn up the volume and make me actually listen to this crime against humanity. 

What's the tagline, by the way?  "Facebook Portal:  Because there are people who don't know what an idiot you are.  Yet."  Or "Facebook Portal:  Look what the opportunity to be in a commercial can do to people."  It sure as hell isn't "Facebook Portal:  This will make your life better in any way, shape or form."  

Hey, wait a minute.  I know what the tagline is:  "Facebook Portal:  Ready to buy YouTube Prime and skip the ads yet?  'Cause this garbage is just going to keep coming..."

I went to a Time Share Presentation, and a Leaf Filter sales pitch broke out!

 

All of these stupid "gutter filter" commercials are exactly the same in at least one respect:  they all feature smiling old people who just seem to enjoy the company and attention of charming young people who are genuinely interested in talking to them (unlike their ungrateful, neglectful grandchildren who never call.)

In this ad, we see an entire gaggle of Seasoned Citizens who have gathered to pass the time with a young person who seems to have a nice job (I wonder if they are hiring; each of these old people has at least one grandchild who would be great at this, whatever it is!) plus is providing coffee and sticky buns and all he's asking in return is for a little of that time.   And that young person is SO nice, answering all of their questions without even once rolling his eyes or getting impatient, he actually seems to be listening and appreciating the Wisdom of the Greatest Generation. 

This group of grinning geriatrics asks a few questions of the Nice Young Man and is quickly SOLD on the idea of installing whatever he's offering to install, or buying a time share, or adding "supplemental insurance" to their Medicare, or whatever it doesn't matter because he's so very Nice and is such a good Listener.  Just as long as it means they get to see him or some other Nice Young Man in the future, installing those gutters or telling them where to sign or even in court because this is all just a Scam.  It's still better than sitting at home waiting for that phone to ring which it never does because most people in this generation are so Ungrateful, they could all learn so much from this Nice Young Man with the coffee and sticky buns and patient manner.  

Nissan Rogue Presents: "The Perfect car if you..."

 

...simply can't be expected to pay any attention to what is actually going on on the road in front of you.

...want to look at everything EXCEPT what is going on on the road in front of you.

...want to go from Point A to Point B while maintaining your "connectivity" through Facebook, listening to your favorite music, and enjoying all the bells and whistles and screens which pop up to distract you from the road in front of you, which as we've established you aren't the slightest bit interested in anyway.

...couldn't find your butt with two hands and a flashlight because you've gotten ludicrously spoiled with GPS.

...are totally incapable of even PARKING YOUR FREAKING CAR which makes us wonder how you managed to do something the vast majority of us have been doing for decades with the use of low-tech side and rear view mirrors.

...are a smarmy little runt who just enjoys sitting in a metal cage surrounded by all this ridiculous tech that constantly reminds you that you can afford a metal cage filled with ridiculous tech.

OnStar Guardian: Credit where Credit is Due....

 

Ugh, I have to admit it:  this commercial totally works.   The first time I watched it, I thought it was a Silver Alert situation- Dad was sitting in the park cold, scared and confused, and Daughter uses technology to rescue him.   As it turns out, Dad just didn't feel like answering the phone and instead just wanted to spend a little time with his memories in the park.   This is actually a little better- if it WAS a Silver Alert situation, I could criticize this woman for not immediately calling the police if she had the tech to locate him, but I assume that her father has no record of cognitive failure and was just mystified as to why he was not answering his phone.  So I can't criticize this ad at all.  

Don't worry, I have no expectation that I'm about to have to give up this blog because commercials are about to become effective and to-the-point.  This is more like a finding-a-flower-in-the-manure-pile situation.  

A 2-minute Nissan Rogue Commercial that feels like 2 hours

 

1.  I really thought this was going to be one of those twee "important message" ads about disconnected parents when we see the father blathering away in bumper-sticker "business speak" while the rest of the family looks like their valium is kicking in.  Which confused me because it's clear in all these ads that we are supposed to admire the "connectivity" and see it as a bonus.

2.  It couldn't be more obvious that the kid in the back seat was asked by the director to "show sadness" or something, because that miserable hand-in-chin, eyes-on-the-floor posture is so cliche'd it's almost painful.  We get it.  He's sad.  Probably about his dad being "disconnected" from his life, or something.

3.  Nissan really, really wants to highlight the mirrors in this ad.  I don't know why.  All cars have mirrors.  This one has a rearview mirror that can be adjusted-- manually.  Wow, that's innovation right there, Nissan.  And mom uses the mirror too, to-- check what's behind her?  Show us her face from a different angle?

4.  These people spent a ridiculous amount of time just sitting in that parking lot before getting out of the car.  What the hell is going on here?  Combined with the monotone of their "conversation," I'm starting to pass out here.  And I'm not on valium.

5.  They ask the kid to exit the car and check the back, and the look on the kid's face tells you that the director told him to smile slightly as he goes through the motions of taking his cue.  The acting here is just atrocious.  I am not invested in the slightest.

6.  The kid waves his foot in front of the rear hatch which opens it- never mind that Dad is still in the driver's seat (are they going to get out of the car at some point, or are they just dropping this kid in an otherwise abandoned park?) and is more than capable of opening it from there.  Maybe the kid really, really likes using the magic foot-sensor thing which added hundreds of dollars to the cost of the family SameMobile while having no real utility.  

7.  Hey look, the "parents" actually managed to get out of the car to see their kids' response to getting a bat for his birthday- just think, if they had exited the car WITH him, they could have just given him the bat themselves and seen the look on his (sleepy, bored, painfully unconvincing) face when he got it.  And the kid is sooo excited about getting the bat, you'd think he had just listened to his father finish a conference call or used his foot to open the hatch.  This kid is totally pumped about getting that bat, I tell you....

8.  Now what?  I guess the kid was nervous about trying out for the team, or being in the first game- perhaps feeling the pressure brought on by the fact that both parents are dressed in team colors and are therefore 100 percent invested in this whole baseball thing.  Not sure why the kid needs a bat, though- teams usually provide those.  His own glove would have made a lot more sense here, but it's clear that a whole lot of thought was put into something else and not this ad which, by the way, is for a Nissan Rogue which has great internet connectivity and a motion-controlled hatch.  The one featured in today's commercial included three non-actors who clearly met five minutes before shooting started and who all woke up ten minutes before that given the haze in which they speak every line and the painfully obvious lack of chemistry.  Wow, this one really hurt.