And the Oscar goes to.....that cookie!!!

 

(After all, it's far and away the best "actor" in this commercial.)

I gotta love the way the old guy reacts to learning that a 76-year old neighbor who likes running marathons has dropped dead "just like that," though I do find it a little creepy the way he immediately guessed that his wife was saying he died and not that he got injured running or something else.  He's so stunned that he pauses in bringing that cookie to his mouth.  

And I also gotta love the way he reads his lines- "we aren't going to have that talk about needing life insurance again, are we?"  It's so convincing.  And then it's off to the races with "the $9.95 plan," which is the only way EITHER of them refer to the Whole Life Insurance policy she has now decided they are done talking about and are definitely going to buy, today,* before one of them (preferably her husband, who just enjoys holding cookies rather than eating them) kicks off.  Which could be any moment because after all, if a 76-year old neighbor can go "just like that," how much warning are too loathsome, death-obsessed weirdos living on cookies going to get before THEY fall into the abyss?

*because a life insurance policy you can buy for $9.95 a month after the age of fifty is going to provide SUCH a great payoff.  I mean, come on.  You'll be lucky if you can buy a box of cookies for the settlement amount. 

Jimmy Walker's Medicare Commercial is beyond sad

 

I mean, at least we all recognize Joe Namath.  When Joe Namath picks up his ill-begotten paycheck for pimping this crap he can take some comfort in the fact that he didn't have to decorate the background with Extremely Un-Subtle Reminders of who he is so that the elderly people watching this nonsense didn't wonder who was trying to pitch them "extra" Medicare "insurance."

Poor Jimmy Walker has to remind us that we knew him as "JJ" and for a really dumb, best-forgotten and certainly unsung and unwept punchline that was all the rage for fifteen minutes back in the mid-70s.  Like Jimmy Walker himself.  I wonder how much this company paid him to screech "Dinomite!," considering he's probably been willing to do it for free for the past forty years for anyone willing to pose with him, ask for an autograph, and otherwise acknowledge him as a flash-in-the-pan one trick pony whose time ran out before I graduated from eighth grade.  That GEICO gig didn't come through, huh, "JJ?" 

The Good Times are over, and they ain't comin' back, Jimmy.  And nostalgia ain't what it used to be, either.  

I wasn't born yesterday either, Consumer Cellular.

 

One of the people in this ad was born in 1968.  Another was born in 1970.  I don't know when the third was born, but she looks like she's maybe 60.  But because Consumer Cellular is trapped in the 1990s when it comes to thinking about anyone over the age of thirty, we are told that one huge benefit of Consumer Cellular products is that they are super-easy to use and therefore should be appealing to anyone who has reached an age where anything more complicated than a microwave is befuddling Fairy Tale Magic or something.  It's like Consumer Cellular thinks that if you're over thirty, you might as well be Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer without the slightest idea of how all these fancy do-hickies like Personal Computers and Phones You Can Carry Around With You What WILL they think of Next actually function.

Give me a break.  Those people who were born in 1968 and 1970 were using PCs in college, and have been online since they were in their mid-20s.  They probably got their first cell phone before they reached the age of thirty.  So how did using a cell phone and dealing with cell phone bills (we know how disorganized Middle Aged People are when it comes to managing bills, don't we?) become super-complicated and waaaaay over their heads?  This just stinks of Old People Are Clueless ageism, and man is that bar for what counts as "too old to handle tech" getting lower by the minute. 

And in the meantime, can we go back to showing actual old people in these ads?  I know Consumer Cellular wants to expand it's market, but I'm really not ready to see people YOUNGER THAN I AM going for Easy to Understand cell phone services and phones with Big Uncomplicated Buttons Because Everyone Knows Your Brain Stops Working When You Reach That Age.   I'm seriously feeling triggered right now- that's the phrase the cool kids are using these days, right?

Facebook Portal: There's No Escape

 

Yep, I'm going to rag on Facebook Portal a little more.  Sue me.

The tech for video phones existed back in the 1950s, but we didn't get them because of lack of demand. That's right, good old-fashioned Capitalism killed the video phone because for decades people didn't feel the need to see the person they were talking to- in fact, didn't want to see the person they were talking to, and didn't want the person they were talking to see them, either.  In a way, it was about maintaining privacy- I'll talk to you but I'm not going to invite you into my personal space,  and I'm not tidying up my apartment or making sure my background is pleasing to the eyes just because I need to talk to you on the phone.

Then we got the ability to see who we were talking to on our phones- and the vast majority of us preferred not to use that feature.  In fact, we seemed to do a lot more texting than talking, because it seems safer and less formal and (best of all) we can just stop texting and don't have to go through any awkward "well, I better get going" moments leading to "goodbyes" when we can mercifully hang the hell up and get on with our lives.

Well, Capitalism is all done waiting for us to want to use the tech it invested heavily in.  You can talk to people through Facebook Portal while on your laptop, but that's not good enough, either- so here's a camera you can attach to your 60-inch HDTV, now instead of watching that baseball game you can talk to a huge version of that person you just (maybe) wanted to talk to for two minutes in glorious MassiveVision in your living room.  And that person can see your entire living room while you talk.  And if you thought "well, gotta go" was slightly awkward over a regular phone, and significantly more awkward in a Zoom call, how do you think you're going to pull it off while talking to someone who looks like they are standing right in front of you?  What are you going to say, "it's been fun but I really want to do something other than be in front of this camera, and there IS this baseball game on I kind of want to watch....?"

Sorry, Capitalism.  I can't even begin to describe how very uninterested I am in buying into any of this. In fact, this makes texting look better than ever.  

This Facebook Portal Commercial is why Mute buttons were invented

 

It's also why YouTube Prime is totally worth it.  I feel badly for anyone who finds himself ambushed by this horror of a commercial featuring squeaky morons laughing over....something...anything....I don't care what.  No power on Earth can make me turn up the volume and make me actually listen to this crime against humanity. 

What's the tagline, by the way?  "Facebook Portal:  Because there are people who don't know what an idiot you are.  Yet."  Or "Facebook Portal:  Look what the opportunity to be in a commercial can do to people."  It sure as hell isn't "Facebook Portal:  This will make your life better in any way, shape or form."  

Hey, wait a minute.  I know what the tagline is:  "Facebook Portal:  Ready to buy YouTube Prime and skip the ads yet?  'Cause this garbage is just going to keep coming..."

I went to a Time Share Presentation, and a Leaf Filter sales pitch broke out!

 

All of these stupid "gutter filter" commercials are exactly the same in at least one respect:  they all feature smiling old people who just seem to enjoy the company and attention of charming young people who are genuinely interested in talking to them (unlike their ungrateful, neglectful grandchildren who never call.)

In this ad, we see an entire gaggle of Seasoned Citizens who have gathered to pass the time with a young person who seems to have a nice job (I wonder if they are hiring; each of these old people has at least one grandchild who would be great at this, whatever it is!) plus is providing coffee and sticky buns and all he's asking in return is for a little of that time.   And that young person is SO nice, answering all of their questions without even once rolling his eyes or getting impatient, he actually seems to be listening and appreciating the Wisdom of the Greatest Generation. 

This group of grinning geriatrics asks a few questions of the Nice Young Man and is quickly SOLD on the idea of installing whatever he's offering to install, or buying a time share, or adding "supplemental insurance" to their Medicare, or whatever it doesn't matter because he's so very Nice and is such a good Listener.  Just as long as it means they get to see him or some other Nice Young Man in the future, installing those gutters or telling them where to sign or even in court because this is all just a Scam.  It's still better than sitting at home waiting for that phone to ring which it never does because most people in this generation are so Ungrateful, they could all learn so much from this Nice Young Man with the coffee and sticky buns and patient manner.  

Nissan Rogue Presents: "The Perfect car if you..."

 

...simply can't be expected to pay any attention to what is actually going on on the road in front of you.

...want to look at everything EXCEPT what is going on on the road in front of you.

...want to go from Point A to Point B while maintaining your "connectivity" through Facebook, listening to your favorite music, and enjoying all the bells and whistles and screens which pop up to distract you from the road in front of you, which as we've established you aren't the slightest bit interested in anyway.

...couldn't find your butt with two hands and a flashlight because you've gotten ludicrously spoiled with GPS.

...are totally incapable of even PARKING YOUR FREAKING CAR which makes us wonder how you managed to do something the vast majority of us have been doing for decades with the use of low-tech side and rear view mirrors.

...are a smarmy little runt who just enjoys sitting in a metal cage surrounded by all this ridiculous tech that constantly reminds you that you can afford a metal cage filled with ridiculous tech.