Here's yet another commercial for a luxury automobile which rides on the message that if you own a particular car you'll be able to travel places and see things. But not just travel places and see things- do all that while driving really, really fast in a car that makes you feel Important because Listen to that Engine as I Hit the Gas.
In a few days, I'll be heading to the beach for a week in an 11-year old Honda Civic. It will take exactly the same amount of time to get there as it would if I were driving a 2021 BMW, Audi, Lexus, or whatever. Because regardless of what all these commercials imply, driving one of these overpriced Overcompensation Toys doesn't make the traffic part like the Red Sea or grant you a special exemption from speed limits. Nor does it open up vacation spots unavailable to the Unwashed Masses who have to get from Point A to Point B in 11-year old Honda Civics. Seriously, Luxury Car Manufacturers: get over yourselves. Your products are nothing special no matter how many epilepsy-inducing images and VROOOM VROOM noises you throw at us.
1. No more watching you pitch The General Car "Insurance." You don't use The General, a company that aims it's "product" at people with crappy driving records and worse credit. Stop telling how awesome a "service" you wouldn't be caught dead using (I doubt O'Neill even KNOWS what car insurance he has, but it's most definitely NOT The General) is.
2. No more using a body double carefully photographed from the neck down to sell Gold Bond Medicated Cream. Maybe you use it- but that's not YOU using it in the commercial, no matter how much you want us to think it is- because you do NOT have the body of a 25-year old athlete. Not anymore. Not even close.
3. No more trying convince us that you give a flying damn what printer cartridges are the highest quality, what copying machines do the best job, etc. You aren't the least bit concerned about any of this because you're a former NBA star and now pimp for basically anyone willing to hand you a fistful of money to throw on the already-massive mountain of gold you already have. You aren't the least bit credible, Mr. O'Neill. Not anymore. Probably not ever- but certainly, not anymore.
Ok first of all, this is a commercial aimed at Japanese investors from 2017. I generally don't bother with ads written for a foreign audience- I know there are different social mores and expectations and what have you, so what seems absolutely crazy and maybe even inappropriate to an American might not even raise an eyebrow in other countries, but this one was too weird to pass up.
For two minutes, all we see is a bunch of scary athletes who seem determined to assault anyone who happens to be standing in their way as they run through the streets of Tokyo, including a pretty young woman who was just strolling down the street looking at her phone (normally, I wouldn't mind at all the idea of body-slamming smartphone zombies, but she's about one-third the size of the guy who barrels over her, and as I implied, she's awfully cute.) They just keep blasting through people who are just trying to go about their day. I think the poor, underpaid window washer who now has broken bones and a severe concussion because a 20-year old, 200 pound athlete decided that it was his duty to crash into him at 10 MPH (the commercial suggests he's going much faster, but I'm going to try to stay in the real world here) was supposed to be a special bit of comic relief because his washing rag is just stuck there to the window, like he was swept up into heaven in a "Left Behind" film. It goes from being weird to jarring to exhausting by the halfway mark- I mean, we get it; the producer is really really proud of this concept, so he's going to beat it into us. One or two people put into situations where they should be badly injured isn't good enough. Let's do this at least half a dozen times.
(I did think it was funny when one guy jumps into the back of a car and there's a baby in a car seat there- and the guy doesn't tackle the baby.)
Near the halfway point of this three-minute marathon of pain, the entire team traps a young couple in their car and glares at them menacingly. Are they going to all gang-tackle this couple now? Are they going to murder them? What the actual hell?
Then we see that none of the people who were brutally slammed to the ground are hurt at all- they are being helped to their feet by the guys who rendered them horizontal moments before (I guess it's moments, but considering all that we saw, it's fair to wonder if all those mugging victims just stayed on the ground- perhaps waiting for emergency medical services- for a very long time, wondering if they would become crippled if they dared move their spines.) The situation is resolved with a smile- "It's fine that you ran over me and caused me to crack my skull on the sidewalk, you helped me back up after all so all good. No apologies necessary." I guess this is how countries with strict gun control laws deal with situations like this. In America, everyone within a city block would hear cursing, and probably gunfire, while a hundred bystanders live-streamed the event on their phones and searched for the right emojis to add.
So as I noted AIG is an investment service and this is all about staying "financially safe" with your money. And so I must add that this commercial certainly didn't age very well; in a few weeks Japan hosts its delayed Olympics amid mass protests over COVID concerns, concerns which have convinced the Olympic Committee to ban spectators at the events. As poorly as the United States has done in getting its population vaccinated against COVID, we've got it all over the Japanese, who are just about the very worst among Westernized nations in getting shots into arms. And Japan doesn't have the excuse of having half it's population living in a far right fever dream of fake viruses, autism-and-homosexuality-causing vaccines invented by people who hate Trump, and people who would rather die than take the advice of The Libs and Big Government. I bet they are just fine when it comes to keeping their money safe, though, especially with compelling, "hard-hitting" (sorry) ads like this to help educate them.
The only thing dumber and sadder than this commercial are the people who like it so much that they gush all over it in the YouTube comments. Seriously, do NOT read them on a full stomach.
Meanwhile..."dog tested?" Then dogs can buy them. Stop insulting me with this crap, Subaru. There are only two reasons why commercials like this exist: One, you don't have to pay dogs to "act" in them. Two, you know that the American Consumer is, on average, a drooling, easily-manipulated moron who just looks at this and thinks OOOOHHH DOGS I LIKE DOGS I WISH I HAD A DOG LIKE THAT OOOH THIS IS SO TRUE OF DOGS LET ME GO TO YOUTUBE AND TELL THE PEOPLE ALL ABOUT MY DOG.
Otherwise, this is just- Dogs. Posed in a crappy car. And very, very unappetizing-looking boiled hot dogs that no human would be interested in eating piled on a plate. Did the dogs eat the hot dogs? Who cares? Oh right- the people who gush all over this stupid commercial. The same people who, ten seconds after the commercial is over, will remember the dogs but not which car company made the ad. Seriously, this makes me miss the Subaru=Love ads, and THOSE made me want to claw my eyes out. Um, well done I guess?
I've looked around for YEARS to find just the right publisher for my life's work, and I've finally found it in Christian Faith Publishing. As the commercial says, only Christian Faith Publishing really reflects my views as a Christian; they are really into Crusading, Preaching, Book-banning, and Science-denying, but you could say that about MOST publishing companies. Christian Faith Publishing goes the extra mile by being against women controlling their own bodies, both pro-birth AND pro-death penalty (and anti-welfare) which fits perfectly into my very Christian perspective. Christian Faith Publishing also embraces the other values All True Christians embrace: they are anti-gun control, pro-censorship, and of course pro-Trump, and have no problem discriminating against anyone who makes a Lifestyle ChoiceTM which is obviously Un-Christian (Gay, Liberal, Socialist, all that I hate because Jesus does he told me so.) And I haven't checked yet but I'm sure that they are all for cutting family ties with Apostates through Excommunication (if they are Catholics) or Disfellowshipping (if they are Jehovah's Witnesses) or just plain Shunning (if they are Baptists, Mormons, etc.)
So obviously if I'm going to publish my thesis about the short life of an obscure political party in the antebellum United States, who ELSE would I trust than Christian Faith Publishing?
1. I'm sorry, but I find it really creepy that this guy is so thrilled at the idea of his family being taken care of financially (which is the only way that matters) should he kick off before they do. I mean, it's not as bad as showing his Significant Other being thrilled at the thought, but it's still pretty bad. I get feeling "comforted" at the thought that your family will not suffer (financially, which again...) if you die, but I don't get being so happy about it either. Calm down, buddy.
2. This commercial is seven years old. At the rate that AIG Insurance customer counter is going up, I estimate that there are roughly 3 billion more AIG customers than there are people on the planet. So do they provide life insurance for dogs, cats and goldfish, too?
1. If you believe that any of the people in this ad are related, well- I guess you are the reason the producers felt confident in just picking three random available wannabee actors to appear in it. There isn't an ounce of chemistry between any of them, nothing to suggest anything other than that they are total strangers who met at the studio five minutes before filming.
2. If you are rooting for that noxious little brat to do anything but fall on her face during the recital, you are a much, much better person than I am. This is a level of nastiness that can only be bred in a ritzy suburb by that parents of a single child who have settled into the role of butler, maid and chauffer for this smarmy little creep. It might sound cruel, but a pratfall* resulting in absolutely NO prizes would be very good for her in the wrong run and something she desperately needs if she's going to avoid turning into an absolutely impossible adult.
*why a pratfall and not a very good performance that is just slightly less impressive than that of another kid? Because you just KNOW that these are the kind of people who will file a lawsuit against the judges if their Perfect Precious Darling wasn't recognized by those Nasty Meanies for what she is- the VERY BEST PERFORMER BY FAR. After all, the only place Entitled Brats come from is Entitled Parents.
