Eventually, everyone gets their own SiriusXM channel. And here's the proof

 

The SiriusXM commercial advertising the channel "starring" this talentless one-trick pony whose one trick grew old and hackneyed more than a decade ago has him waxing poetic about how he was "discovered" after "entertaining" an audience of slack-jawed, tasteless yokels:  As he was walking off the stage, Ron Schneider and David Spade walked up to him and said he was an awesome talent.

Because if you want to send someone to judge a comedian's talent, you can't do better than...Rob Schneider and David Spade.  Seriously, if those two told me someone they heard at a comedy club was funny, I'd ask them how they could possibly know, having never approached Funny's zip code in their entire careers.  Rob Schneider and David Spade think you're funny?  Then the jury's still out as far as I'm concerned.  Seriously, when Daniel Lawrence Whitney told me that he was discovered by Schneider and Spade, I thought that he was just telling another joke- one much funnier than any I'd ever heard him tell before.   It's like someone boasting that Donald Trump told him that he had Class and Modesty. 

Personally, I wouldn't watch two minutes of this guy's exaggerated Jim Foxworthy routine if you paid me.  If anyone subscribes to SiriusXM to listen to this multi-millionaire pretend to be a hokey redneck, it's probably the same kind of person who watches Duck Dynasty and believes the stars of that show are just Reg'lar Folks Like You and Me and not the phony media products they are.  Personally, I think one 30-second commercial for this played-out no-talent more than fulfills my daily get-r-done quota.   

Lending Tree's Good Commercial with the Wrong Message

 

Sure you can see the punchline coming from a mile away, but this is still a pretty cute commercial featuring a guy admitting that he's put himself way over his head in debt in order to live a lifestyle society "expects" him to live because he's a white guy in Suburban America.  He's got the ridiculous house that everyone in commercials but very, very few people in real life have.  He's got a huge SUV and is an "upstanding member of society" (guy willing to throw money around in order to look far wealthier than he actually is) because he belongs to the local golf club.  And he's got himself a trophy wife who either has the brain of a canary because she's been conned into believing his BS or is as much in denial as her husband is. 

The problem is that this isn't a commercial for fiscal responsibility, it's a commercial for Lending Tree.  So after thirty seconds of this guy setting up the "I'm in debt up to my eyeballs" punchline, we get the even bigger joke that the "solution" to his problem is....more debt.  This after he tells us he can barely pay the finance charges on the debt he's ALREADY accumulated.  

This reminds me of those blank checks I still occasionally get in the mail from credit companies encouraging me to use them to pay off my debts and "consolidate" them into "one easy payment" of $217 per month for the rest of my life or so.  There's no end to banks, credit card issuers, etc. eager to buy up your debt so they can soak you for interest from now until the universe suffers from heat death.  But it's so obviously a dumb shell game that only the most desperate- or stupid- would ever fall for it.  I guess this guy qualifies, but seriously, buddy...the LAST thing you need is to buy into the idea that you can just borrow your way out of debt.  Do you think that you can wash yourself dry or binge-eat your way to a fitter body, too?  Because it's the same mentality. 

How about just living within your means?  Anyone do that anymore?

CashNetUSA is The Dumb

 

I've never been as happy about anything as this woman is to be taking out a loan to fix maybe thousands of dollars of water damage done to her roof.  She really looks like her day was made when the ceiling collapsed, drenching her husband, because apparently nothing gives her a thrill more than whipping out her phone and committing both of them to paying off a high-interest loan.  Just a couple of questions that don't involve questioning the mental state of a woman who beams from ear to ear simply because borrowing money is easy:

1.  Are you even going to call a carpenter, plumber, or any other professional to give you an estimate on how severe the damage is or how much it's going to cost?  Or is the plan to just borrow a certain amount of money and hope it's enough?  If the latter is the case, how did you go about buying that home- did you just borrow a massive chunk of money figuring "yeah, a house should cost this much?"

2.  You sure took out that loan fast.  It's like you just wanted to borrow money and were waiting for an excuse.  That's really weird.

3.  Do you guys NOT have homeowner's insurance?  Isn't that a legal requirement pretty much everywhere?  I can see jumping to file a claim, NOT to take out a loan.  

4.  You guys own a home, and the best option you can think of when you have an unexpected repair bill (and again, you don't even have a bill yet) is to use the same service people who DON'T have property they can use to get a SECURED loan use?  That would be like if I ignored the money I have in the bank and my credit cards and just toddled off to Aaron's to rent a tv, or if I ignored my driving record and sought car insurance from one of those by-the-month pay-through-the-nose barely-legal-coverage places.  What is the matter with you people?

Community Tax understands you deadbeats

 

"If you owe the IRS $10,000 or more...."

First, you don't owe "the IRS" anything.  You owe the American people $10,000.  Which means you owe your neighbors, your community, your friends, because you haven't been paying your fair share.  That "Freedom isn't Free" bumper sticker doesn't mean "Support the Troops By Putting a Bumper Sticker on Your Car and Voting Republican."  It means that it costs money to keep a stable society which includes infrastructure going.  And if you want to enjoy the benefits of that stable society, you have to pay your fair share.  And you haven't been, so

Second, stop shaking your head at those pieces of paper on your coffee table in your Suburban palace.  Shaking your head isn't going to make those pieces of paper- which I assume are friendly reminders that you live in a stable society and haven't paid your fair share- go away.  Neither is some scammy bs "Tax Service" which paints the Internal Revenue Service as an Evil Monster trying to Victimize your poor, innocent, All You Wanted Was To Not Pay Taxes and Also Not Face Any Consequences Self.  

Third, I don't care what the state of the economy is presently, and neither does this "service," because they use the same script whether we are in a recession, depression or boom times.  No matter what year it is or what the unemployment rate is or where the stock market is at, these commercials are always bleating about "these uncertain times" and "the current economic downturn."  Know why?  Because people who owe taxes always think times are bad.  It's like that old saw that a "Recession" is when your neighbor is out of work, and a "Depression" is when you are.  These ads target people who are living on the margins (usually due to stupid decisions like overpaying for cars and houses because I Want It and I have a Right to have It Right Now) and figured they could just save some money by not paying their taxes.  In other words, Stupid People who love to be told that their situation is Anyone's Fault But Theirs.  Telling them "times are really tough right now, we understand" is going to get a response because it implies that "everyone" is in the same boat, never mind that the vast majority of Americans actually pay their fair share even if it means doing without because they haven't figured out that Responsibility is for Suckers. 

Fourth, I hope all these people end up in jail.  I have a right to feel that way- I pay my taxes.  I pay my fair share.  I don't live off others and I have zero respect for anyone who thinks paying taxes just isn't something smart people should have to do if they want to use that money for something else.   I'm just weird that way.

Creditrepair.com; an easy go-to on a Sunday morning

 

There's a radio version of this ad running pretty much constantly on Sirius/XM which features some smarmy jackass pretending to quiz people on their knowledge of the importance of a good credit score.  He asks them what a "good credit score" is, and a woman guesses "600?" to which he mockingly replies, "sure, that's good, if you want to pay thousands of dollars in extra interest."  If you have a radio, you've probably heard this ad.  

Anyway, the host eventually asks a guy "does paying your bills on time improve your credit score?"  And guess what- when the guy answers "yes" the host responds "sorry, no."  Which breaks my rage meter, because as I've been preaching here for years, paying your bills on time, every time is the No. 1 way to keep your credit score high, or to improve it if it's not where you want it to be.  Creditrepair.com outright LIES to make it sound like your credit score is out of your control, so you need to use their "service."  It would be as if Optima Tax Relief told you that you CAN'T deal with your tax issues with the IRS on your own, instead of carefully telling you that you SHOULDN'T.  It's crossing a very fine line between Possibly True and Downright False and I wonder why the United States has such lousy consumer protections when it comes to misleading advertising.  (Actually I don't wonder; it's called Capitalism, cloaked with Buyer Beware with a nice coat of Ignorance is No Excuse.)  

So the idiot scam artist in these ads is basically telling his intended victims that they have no control over their credit score, which means it will be low, which means they'll never get that new car and house and vacation they "deserve," unless they hire this company which knows how to fix credit in ways that are unavailable to the intended victim, which is yet another lie.   Thanks for the material, Creditrepair.com.  You never disappoint. 

The first of several comments concerning DriveTime Commercials, you can be sure of that.

 

How does this stupid wall of noise convince anybody to use this service to buy a car?  How does it convince anyone to do anything other than make a mad lunge for the remote and the mute button?

Oh, right- this is all about convincing people with crap credit and no money that their crap credit and no money does not necessarily translate into No Car.  Sometimes, it can translate into Car That Will Hang On You Like Lead Weights As You Struggle To Remain Afloat.  Oh but it's so fun to imagine your phone vomiting money and building a "money man" or whatever the hell that stupid woman says as the other stupid woman does a stupid little dance.  For the stupid audience.

Meanwhile....comments are turned off for this video.  That means you KNOW its bad, because YouTube is where people with no taste and no sense of humor go to tell the world how rib-spitting funny and awesome every commercial out there is.  And to ask what the music in the background is called.  Because Stupid People.

How to file a claim with Car Shield in Seven Easy Steps!

 

Step One:  Call our convenient toll-free number.  It's free!  It's the only part of our service that's free, so you might as well use it.  For free!

Step Two:  Wait on hold for a minimum of twenty-five minutes while our Dedicated Operators deal with other frustrated, worried customers who are dumb enough to think that they are actually going to benefit from the "insurance" and "peace of mind" they think they've been paying for for months if not years. Enjoy the tinny music running in an endless loop periodically interrupted with messages like "your call is very important to us" and "did you know that you can save us even more money by not bothering our operators and just filing a claim which we'll totally ignore online?  You get the same non-service online as you'll get if you keep waiting on the phone, stupid!"

Step Three:  Actually file a claim which will be carefully filed in the circular file container next to the operator's desk which looks suspiciously like a trash can.

Step Four:  After three weeks or so, call back to be told that your claim was rejected because the damage done to your car includes items that are not included in the All Covered Parts are Covered covered list.  Should have read the fine print, stupid.

Step Five:  File an impotent complaint at the Better Business Bureau website, which you think will do something because you think that the BBB is some kind of government watchdog agency when in fact it's just another private company that has done an extraordinarily good job convincing people that it's some kind of government watchdog agency.

Step Six:  File an impotent complaint with Ripoff Report.com, which will accomplish exactly as much as that BBB complaint accomplished:  it will help you blow off some steam about the money you wasted.  

Step Seven:  Admit you paid the Stupid Tax and never, ever buy into Car Shield, Home Shield, or any of these BS "extended warranty" scams again.