ESPN College Gameday is back to make you nostalgic for pretty much anything else

 

Ah, now we know we're back to "Normal."  Once again, Saturdays are to be filled with hour after hour of bad music, screaming, military fly-overs (that we pay for,) and washed-up college football players* giggling, joking, and pretending to enjoy each other's company as they gush endlessly about the teams of non-students that multiple large Institutions of Higher Learning put together for the entertainment of the actual students and the viewing public to run around a large flat field for several hours reducing their lifespans by regularly colliding with each other at high speeds.  Occasionally ESPN promises to cut away to crowds of witless morons wearing their school colors jumping up and down and screaming because they saw the ESPN camera.  And because there are literally hundreds of schools engaged in this spectacle every Saturday between now and late November, the talking bobbleheads paid to talk up the 20-year old kids whose health will be in serious peril with every play never run out of material...and if they somehow manage to hit the wall in discussing which of these Fine Young Men is Very Possibly the Greatest of his Generation and Absolutely Bears Watching, well, there's always interviews with the inevitably pot-bellied, invariably White coaches who organize these bands of Fine Young Barely Not Teenagers to commit extreme violence against their still-maturing bodies because someone told them that if they worked at it hard enough they'd end up with $100 million-dollar NFL contracts before the age of 25. 

*and Lee Corso, who was a quarterback for a few years during the Eisenhower Administration and therefore a wealth of valuable information when it comes to assessing the potential of modern college football players one-fourth his age.  Corso's blathering, blithering, downright embarrassing schtick went to seed decades ago, but I guess as long as he's still breathing and able to give us that creepy grin ESPN is going to keep propping him up in a chair for several segments every Saturday during the NCAA football season.  I'd rather see painted fans screaming into the cameras, myself. 

A very brief take on this Harris-Teeter Holiday Commercial

What the hell is going on here?  What's with the twee music, the surgically-implanted smiles, and the obvious plastic-perfect food?  What's with the soft-blurred images- is this supposed to appeal to people with beating hearts and a shred of sentimentality?  Is that why I don't get it?

Mr. Google tells me that Harris Teeter is "the largest grocery store chain in the Southeastern United States," but cripes, it's like the Hallmark Channel started a food service.  I'm surprised this ad doesn't end with a girl from the Big City meeting up with her ex-High School Boyfriend back in the Old Small Town and realizing that there's more to life than sales meetings and marketing and Prestige and Money.  Especially during the Holidays, when that Old Small Town is a Very Special Place that reveals what Life is Really All About (diminished expectations and Settling.)  And then passing the rolls. 

This Credit Repair Commercial, Line by Dishonest Line

 

From the "let's pretend we are asking random photogenic people on the street about (fill in the blank") collection...

Spokeschoad:  "What's a good credit score?"

"Random" person:  "Um...600?"

S:  "Maybe...if you want to pay thousands of dollars extra in interest."

In fact:  A credit score of 600 lands you solidly in the "Fair" category.  "Good" starts at 670.  Certainly "Fair" isn't "good," but it's not "Poor" either.  If you are a young person- as this "random passerby" seems to be, it's actually pretty typical.

Spokeschoad:  "Will paying your bills fix your credit?"

"Random" person:  "YES!"

S:  "So confident!  But No!"

In fact:  The reason why this passerby was "so confident" in believing that paying bills will fix credit may be because she knows that it's the No. 1 factor in determining credit score.  Paying each bill on time, every time- and paying delinquent bills- most definitely DOES improve one's credit score.*  So smarmy, grinning jackass spokeschoad is just being dishonest here.   He's telling this person- and US- that we can't improve our credit score by paying our debts.  This isn't twisting the truth.  It's denying it.  It's a lie. 

Spokeschoad:  "Is credit repair expensive?"

"Random" person:  "Isn't having bad credit expensive?"

S:  "MY MAN!"

In fact:  This is the closest Spokeschoad comes to being honest, and he does it with a Yeahbutwhatabout non-argument.  Credit repair isn't expensive - in fact, it's free.  Just avoid using Creditrepair.com or any other BS "pay us to do what you can do all by yourself" service.  The "Isn't having bad credit expensive" line is technically correct, but the implication that your choice is Bad Credit or engaging Creditrepair.com is most definitely not.  This commercial tells us that 1) we need a very high credit score to avoid getting ripped off, 2) we can't get a very high credit score even by being a good credit risk, and therefore 3) we need to hire this company.  Period.  End of story.

Well, almost.  End of story should include one of these random people being verbally mugged by this smarmy jackass giving that smarmy jackass a solid kick to the teeth.  Maybe that actually happened but was edited out along with all of the responses that sounded too much like "that's incorrect; if you pay your debts and keep your bills paid up, your credit will improve, nice try spokeschoad." 

*35% of one's credit score is based on payment history.  Another 30% is based on amount of credit used:

https://www.cnbc.com/select/average-credit-score-by-state/#:~:text=Here%20are%20the%20top%2010%20states%20with%20the,Hampshire%3A%20729%209%20Nebraska%3A%20728%2010%20Hawaii%3A%20727

I've got a few more things to say about Greg from those Prevagen radio ads....

 

...because I'm really sick of the powerful suggestion running through all of these ads that Greg is someone to be looked up to, respected, maybe even admired.  He is absolutely nothing of the sort.

We are told that Greg is a "Substitute Teacher, Motivational Speaker, and Paid Testimonialist."  As far as I'm concerned, that means Greg is Unskilled Labor with a Hustle.  He's found a way to take his total lack of productivity and turn it into a steady paycheck.  He sits in other people's classrooms when actual professionals are absent, he somehow manages to convince people that he can "motivate" them to do things he doesn't do, and he endorses things for money.  And that's about it. 

But here's the part that really grates me about the radio version of this ad:  Greg introduces himself to the audience by explaining that his motivation is to "give back."  THAT'S why he's a substitute teacher and motivational speaker (and paid testimonialist?) Not for the money, but because he wants to "give back."  The world has been good to him, you see, so he's going to sacrifice his golden years by "giving back."  Isn't he something, ladies and gentlemen?   Yeah, no, Greg.  Take that halo off, it doesn't belong there. 

Look, Greg.  Everyone's got to earn a living.  You earn yours by providing no actual value, but as long as you can find someone to pay you, I'm not going to knock your hustle.  But don't tell us you're doing any of this because you feel the need to "give back."  You're a warm body (substitute teacher,) a traveling hypnotist (motivational speaker,) and spokeschoad (paid testimonialist.)  There's nothing special, let alone admirable, about you at all.  A hundred years ago, you'd be drifting town to town selling apple cider mixed with gasoline out of a cart under the label GREG'S MIRACLE MEMORY ELIXER.  And at least you'd be putting actual effort in to earn that paycheck.  Right now, you're just a sad joke we want off our radios and tvs because we're sick to death of your self-congratulatory, smarmy shtick.   Go away now and take your BS snake oil with you.

Carnation's "give them your best" commercial

 

"Kids can change minds....they can even change the world around them..." wow, kids sound really, really important.  We should take care of them.

So how does starting their day with a glass of chocolate milk and calling it "breakfast" equate to taking care of them, exactly?  Are we TRYING to make sure that they're hungry before they get to school?  Because there's a reason why this stuff is called "Essentials:" it's because it's got vitamins and minerals and absolutely nothing else (like fiber) which might keep them awake through third period or less than absolutely ravenous well before lunchtime.

And get that stupid, self-satisfied look off your face, MommyWife.  Investing all of fifteen seconds stirring up two glasses of this crap just screams "half-assed effort," not "I love my children and they are the future of the planet etc. etc. etc."  If you believed that, you'd at least whip up some toast and pour some milk into a bowl of cereal.  Carnation Instant Breakfast?  The only message that sends is "I've got better things to do." 

The Catholic University of America makes me feel so loved on my birthday...

 

Included in this very nice card is a promo code for 25% off at the CUA store.  Except the jacket I want hasn't been available for a year now.  And another jacket isn't available in any size except small and extra large- and it's not eligible with the promotion.  And another sweatshirt looks nice- but oh look, the promo code is invalid. 

Thanks, good old CUA, for remembering me on my birthday.  I'm still not donating, and you clearly don't really care if I buy anything. 

Bambee deserves another verbal kick in the butt

 

"Minimum Wage Requirements!  Wrongful Dismissal Lawsuits!  LABOR REGULATIONS!"

These are the EVIL POTHOLES and HEADACHES that ASSAULT the decent, hard-working business owner every day, according to Bambee.com.  And to deal with these and other hassles that necessary evil called Humans are just waiting to inflict on your poor poor put-upon self, you've got to hire a Human Resources Manager, which we're going to just refer to as another piece of equipment- "they cost $70,000 per year."

Now that Bambee has made it perfectly clear that it sees living, breathing fellow sapiens as royal pains in the ass whose annoying demands for things like a decent wage and compliance with laws passed to Support the Spread of Communism make sure workers are being treated like fellow sapiens, it's not surprising that this company wants to just outsource the career of Human Resources Manager to part-timers working out of boiler rooms on the other side of the planet.  I mean, Bambee couldn't be more obvious with it's utter contempt for workers who dare suggest that they have rights, so as a blood-sucking Capitalist Great American who just wants to be permitted to enslave his fellow man live the American dream, what choice do you have but to hire Bambee?  Live with those minimum wage requirements and other labor regulations?  So what you're saying is, you want the terrorists to win?