(No, I'm not even going to address the Foam Fingers thing- just another sign that AT&T ran out of ideas for these ubiquitous Lilly ads several years ago. Nor am I going to address the "one customer in the entire store" or "one customer in the entire store, not wearing a mask" thing. Because I don't care.)
Clueless Employee working on fifteen minutes of training: "It come with 5G."
Customer: "Um, what's that?"
Employee: "Um....I don't know. I'm just supposed to say that, because through a blitz of non-stop advertising over the course of two years, '5G' has become synonymous with 'good' among the phone-addicted addled zombies who find themselves wandering into AT&T stores every few months Just Because."
Customer: "Ok. Is it secure?"
Employee: "Um...sure, why not."
Customer: "Look, is it by any measure better than 4G?"
Employee: "Yes, because five is a higher number than four. Look at this phone- it's exactly like the one you have now, except shinier. Which means it's newer. Which means it's better. Sign here."
Unless you are willing to live on government subsidies (aka welfare,) pandemic-related stimulus, or any money you can squeeze out of your friends and family Because They Have Money and You Don't and It's Not Fair, having a job isn't a Happy Bonus, it's an absolute necessity. The people in these ads aren't filled with joy at the thought of having to get out of bed (why are half the people in this ugly commercial looking for jobs while laying on their backs?) and going to a job as the sun rises. They are relieved that they get to Survive. Because in our current economic system, you don't get to survive (you don't get money for food, clothing, shelter or health care) unless you can find someone to hire you (I will never intentionally use the term "give you a job," because nobody "gives" anyone a job- jobs are not candy bestowed by benevolent employers because they Care So Very Much. Employees are Necessary Evils that Employers would love to eliminate and are always striving to do just that through tech.) These people are not thinking "yay, now I have something to do with my day and don't have to just lie here in bed." They are thinking "yay, now I get to eat and have shelter and see a doctor now and then because Capitalism."
"And I get to tell my landlady that I can start paying rent again, though we'll both have a good laugh at the idea that I'm going to pay that back rent that built up over the last year of the moratorium. Or at least, I will. And I get to chirpily inform my family that for a while, at least, I won't be dunning them for money to support my sorry, kind-of-like-lying-in-bed ass."
Ah, now we know we're back to "Normal." Once again, Saturdays are to be filled with hour after hour of bad music, screaming, military fly-overs (that we pay for,) and washed-up college football players* giggling, joking, and pretending to enjoy each other's company as they gush endlessly about the teams of non-students that multiple large Institutions of Higher Learning put together for the entertainment of the actual students and the viewing public to run around a large flat field for several hours reducing their lifespans by regularly colliding with each other at high speeds. Occasionally ESPN promises to cut away to crowds of witless morons wearing their school colors jumping up and down and screaming because they saw the ESPN camera. And because there are literally hundreds of schools engaged in this spectacle every Saturday between now and late November, the talking bobbleheads paid to talk up the 20-year old kids whose health will be in serious peril with every play never run out of material...and if they somehow manage to hit the wall in discussing which of these Fine Young Men is Very Possibly the Greatest of his Generation and Absolutely Bears Watching, well, there's always interviews with the inevitably pot-bellied, invariably White coaches who organize these bands of Fine Young Barely Not Teenagers to commit extreme violence against their still-maturing bodies because someone told them that if they worked at it hard enough they'd end up with $100 million-dollar NFL contracts before the age of 25.
*and Lee Corso, who was a quarterback for a few years during the Eisenhower Administration and therefore a wealth of valuable information when it comes to assessing the potential of modern college football players one-fourth his age. Corso's blathering, blithering, downright embarrassing schtick went to seed decades ago, but I guess as long as he's still breathing and able to give us that creepy grin ESPN is going to keep propping him up in a chair for several segments every Saturday during the NCAA football season. I'd rather see painted fans screaming into the cameras, myself.
What the hell is going on here? What's with the twee music, the surgically-implanted smiles, and the obvious plastic-perfect food? What's with the soft-blurred images- is this supposed to appeal to people with beating hearts and a shred of sentimentality? Is that why I don't get it?
Mr. Google tells me that Harris Teeter is "the largest grocery store chain in the Southeastern United States," but cripes, it's like the Hallmark Channel started a food service. I'm surprised this ad doesn't end with a girl from the Big City meeting up with her ex-High School Boyfriend back in the Old Small Town and realizing that there's more to life than sales meetings and marketing and Prestige and Money. Especially during the Holidays, when that Old Small Town is a Very Special Place that reveals what Life is Really All About (diminished expectations and Settling.) And then passing the rolls.
From the "let's pretend we are asking random photogenic people on the street about (fill in the blank") collection...
Spokeschoad: "What's a good credit score?"
"Random" person: "Um...600?"
S: "Maybe...if you want to pay thousands of dollars extra in interest."
In fact: A credit score of 600 lands you solidly in the "Fair" category. "Good" starts at 670. Certainly "Fair" isn't "good," but it's not "Poor" either. If you are a young person- as this "random passerby" seems to be, it's actually pretty typical.
Spokeschoad: "Will paying your bills fix your credit?"
"Random" person: "YES!"
S: "So confident! But No!"
In fact: The reason why this passerby was "so confident" in believing that paying bills will fix credit may be because she knows that it's the No. 1 factor in determining credit score. Paying each bill on time, every time- and paying delinquent bills- most definitely DOES improve one's credit score.* So smarmy, grinning jackass spokeschoad is just being dishonest here. He's telling this person- and US- that we can't improve our credit score by paying our debts. This isn't twisting the truth. It's denying it. It's a lie.
Spokeschoad: "Is credit repair expensive?"
"Random" person: "Isn't having bad credit expensive?"
S: "MY MAN!"
In fact: This is the closest Spokeschoad comes to being honest, and he does it with a Yeahbutwhatabout non-argument. Credit repair isn't expensive - in fact, it's free. Just avoid using Creditrepair.com or any other BS "pay us to do what you can do all by yourself" service. The "Isn't having bad credit expensive" line is technically correct, but the implication that your choice is Bad Credit or engaging Creditrepair.com is most definitely not. This commercial tells us that 1) we need a very high credit score to avoid getting ripped off, 2) we can't get a very high credit score even by being a good credit risk, and therefore 3) we need to hire this company. Period. End of story.
Well, almost. End of story should include one of these random people being verbally mugged by this smarmy jackass giving that smarmy jackass a solid kick to the teeth. Maybe that actually happened but was edited out along with all of the responses that sounded too much like "that's incorrect; if you pay your debts and keep your bills paid up, your credit will improve, nice try spokeschoad."
*35% of one's credit score is based on payment history. Another 30% is based on amount of credit used:
...because I'm really sick of the powerful suggestion running through all of these ads that Greg is someone to be looked up to, respected, maybe even admired. He is absolutely nothing of the sort.
We are told that Greg is a "Substitute Teacher, Motivational Speaker, and Paid Testimonialist." As far as I'm concerned, that means Greg is Unskilled Labor with a Hustle. He's found a way to take his total lack of productivity and turn it into a steady paycheck. He sits in other people's classrooms when actual professionals are absent, he somehow manages to convince people that he can "motivate" them to do things he doesn't do, and he endorses things for money. And that's about it.
But here's the part that really grates me about the radio version of this ad: Greg introduces himself to the audience by explaining that his motivation is to "give back." THAT'S why he's a substitute teacher and motivational speaker (and paid testimonialist?) Not for the money, but because he wants to "give back." The world has been good to him, you see, so he's going to sacrifice his golden years by "giving back." Isn't he something, ladies and gentlemen? Yeah, no, Greg. Take that halo off, it doesn't belong there.
Look, Greg. Everyone's got to earn a living. You earn yours by providing no actual value, but as long as you can find someone to pay you, I'm not going to knock your hustle. But don't tell us you're doing any of this because you feel the need to "give back." You're a warm body (substitute teacher,) a traveling hypnotist (motivational speaker,) and spokeschoad (paid testimonialist.) There's nothing special, let alone admirable, about you at all. A hundred years ago, you'd be drifting town to town selling apple cider mixed with gasoline out of a cart under the label GREG'S MIRACLE MEMORY ELIXER. And at least you'd be putting actual effort in to earn that paycheck. Right now, you're just a sad joke we want off our radios and tvs because we're sick to death of your self-congratulatory, smarmy shtick. Go away now and take your BS snake oil with you.
"Kids can change minds....they can even change the world around them..." wow, kids sound really, really important. We should take care of them.
So how does starting their day with a glass of chocolate milk and calling it "breakfast" equate to taking care of them, exactly? Are we TRYING to make sure that they're hungry before they get to school? Because there's a reason why this stuff is called "Essentials:" it's because it's got vitamins and minerals and absolutely nothing else (like fiber) which might keep them awake through third period or less than absolutely ravenous well before lunchtime.
And get that stupid, self-satisfied look off your face, MommyWife. Investing all of fifteen seconds stirring up two glasses of this crap just screams "half-assed effort," not "I love my children and they are the future of the planet etc. etc. etc." If you believed that, you'd at least whip up some toast and pour some milk into a bowl of cereal. Carnation Instant Breakfast? The only message that sends is "I've got better things to do."
