What Dr Pepper's "Fansville" commercials remind me of

 

Oh look, it's college football season again which means that Dr. Pepper- you know, that company that produces a kinda/sorta popular cola drink for people who would consume cough medicine if it were ice cold and wouldn't poison them in large doses- is ready to inflict upon the world another season of Fansville, that "show" that celebrates stupid, juvenile obsession with Good Old Generic State University where Mommy and Daddy presumably met and never really left. 

For some reason, Mommy and Daddy bonded not only over football games at GSU but also their love of Dr. Pepper, which probably made them outcasts with all the popular groups at college which were made up of young adults and not children.  Hoping that their offspring will carry on the tradition of being a bullied and mocked pariah strangled by the apron strings of Mommy and Daddy, they send him on his way with a 12-pack of Doctor Pepper.  Arriving at his dorm with that under his arm will absolutely guarantee at least a Freshman term with absolutely no friends.  I guess getting LOSER tattooed on his forehead wasn't in the family budget, so this will have to do. 

Oh right, I almost forgot to mention what these "Fansville" commercials remind me of:  A sitcom based on a single, lame premise that mysteriously keeps getting renewed, season after season, because it's fan base, while tiny, is also fanatically dedicated.  Lots of people seem to like these commercials- far more than actually drink Doctor Pepper.  So let's strap in and settle down for another season of lunatic parents who never really graduated from college painting their faces and trying hard to pass their sad inability to Let it Go on to their unfortunate kids.  Because people who like to pretend that they ever had glory days, and especially people who think that the glory days never ended, are Funny. 

Answering the "Life's Full of Hidden Problems" Snickers Brownie Commercial Conundrum

 

This sixteen seconds of absolutely nothing seems to be a real hit with the YouTube mouth-breathers who are either responding to a longer version of the ad which explains what the hell we are watching, or are just being their usual "I laugh at pretty much everything and like to go on YouTube and let people know it" selves. 

I'm going to assume that it's the former.  Something else used to happen in this ad, stretching it out to maybe 30 seconds, but it was cut and we are left with a commercial with a giant hole in it- a commercial that has absolutely nothing to do with anything, and certainly nothing to do with sticking a brownie in the middle of a Snickers bar.  So I'm going to take a few educated guesses as to what this woman used to say between "Nothing" and her partner walking off:

"I was just thinking, why can't Mars, Incorporated do more to promote the obesity epidemic?  You know, like maybe find a way to add more empty calories to an already well-established property like Snickers?"

or

"Why do you think something's wrong?  I'm just sitting here on the couch looking outside.  Are you guilty of something?"

or

"What are we, a single-race, heterosexual couple, doing in a tv commercial?  What is this, 2015?"

What you'd really hear if AT&T employees were honest

 

(No, I'm not even going to address the Foam Fingers thing- just another sign that AT&T ran out of ideas for these ubiquitous Lilly ads several years ago.  Nor am I going to address the "one customer in the entire store" or "one customer in the entire store, not wearing a mask" thing.  Because I don't care.)

Clueless Employee working on fifteen minutes of training:  "It come with 5G."

Customer:  "Um, what's that?"

Employee:  "Um....I don't know.  I'm just supposed to say that, because through a blitz of non-stop advertising over the course of two years, '5G' has become synonymous with 'good' among the phone-addicted addled zombies who find themselves wandering into AT&T stores every few months Just Because."

Customer:  "Ok.  Is it secure?"

Employee:  "Um...sure, why not."

Customer:  "Look, is it by any measure better than 4G?" 

Employee:  "Yes, because five is a higher number than four.  Look at this phone- it's exactly like the one you have now, except shinier.  Which means it's newer.  Which means it's better.  Sign here."

Customer:  "Ok." 

The Dark Reality Ignored by Indeed Commercials

 

Unless you are willing to live on government subsidies (aka welfare,) pandemic-related stimulus, or any money you can squeeze out of your friends and family Because They Have Money and You Don't and It's Not Fair, having a job isn't a Happy Bonus, it's an absolute necessity.  The people in these ads aren't filled with joy at the thought of having to get out of bed (why are half the people in this ugly commercial looking for jobs while laying on their backs?) and going to a job as the sun rises.  They are relieved that they get to Survive.  Because in our current economic system, you don't get to survive (you don't get money for food, clothing, shelter or health care) unless you can find someone to hire you (I will never intentionally use the term "give you a job," because nobody "gives" anyone a job- jobs are not candy bestowed by benevolent employers because they Care So Very Much.  Employees are Necessary Evils that Employers would love to eliminate and are always striving to do just that through tech.)  These people are not thinking "yay, now I have something to do with my day and don't have to just lie here in bed."  They are thinking "yay, now I get to eat and have shelter and see a doctor now and then because Capitalism." 

"And I get to tell my landlady that I can start paying rent again, though we'll both have a good laugh at the idea that I'm going to pay that back rent that built up over the last year of the moratorium.  Or at least, I will.  And I get to chirpily inform my family that for a while, at least, I won't be dunning them for money to support my sorry, kind-of-like-lying-in-bed ass." 

ESPN College Gameday is back to make you nostalgic for pretty much anything else

 

Ah, now we know we're back to "Normal."  Once again, Saturdays are to be filled with hour after hour of bad music, screaming, military fly-overs (that we pay for,) and washed-up college football players* giggling, joking, and pretending to enjoy each other's company as they gush endlessly about the teams of non-students that multiple large Institutions of Higher Learning put together for the entertainment of the actual students and the viewing public to run around a large flat field for several hours reducing their lifespans by regularly colliding with each other at high speeds.  Occasionally ESPN promises to cut away to crowds of witless morons wearing their school colors jumping up and down and screaming because they saw the ESPN camera.  And because there are literally hundreds of schools engaged in this spectacle every Saturday between now and late November, the talking bobbleheads paid to talk up the 20-year old kids whose health will be in serious peril with every play never run out of material...and if they somehow manage to hit the wall in discussing which of these Fine Young Men is Very Possibly the Greatest of his Generation and Absolutely Bears Watching, well, there's always interviews with the inevitably pot-bellied, invariably White coaches who organize these bands of Fine Young Barely Not Teenagers to commit extreme violence against their still-maturing bodies because someone told them that if they worked at it hard enough they'd end up with $100 million-dollar NFL contracts before the age of 25. 

*and Lee Corso, who was a quarterback for a few years during the Eisenhower Administration and therefore a wealth of valuable information when it comes to assessing the potential of modern college football players one-fourth his age.  Corso's blathering, blithering, downright embarrassing schtick went to seed decades ago, but I guess as long as he's still breathing and able to give us that creepy grin ESPN is going to keep propping him up in a chair for several segments every Saturday during the NCAA football season.  I'd rather see painted fans screaming into the cameras, myself. 

A very brief take on this Harris-Teeter Holiday Commercial

What the hell is going on here?  What's with the twee music, the surgically-implanted smiles, and the obvious plastic-perfect food?  What's with the soft-blurred images- is this supposed to appeal to people with beating hearts and a shred of sentimentality?  Is that why I don't get it?

Mr. Google tells me that Harris Teeter is "the largest grocery store chain in the Southeastern United States," but cripes, it's like the Hallmark Channel started a food service.  I'm surprised this ad doesn't end with a girl from the Big City meeting up with her ex-High School Boyfriend back in the Old Small Town and realizing that there's more to life than sales meetings and marketing and Prestige and Money.  Especially during the Holidays, when that Old Small Town is a Very Special Place that reveals what Life is Really All About (diminished expectations and Settling.)  And then passing the rolls. 

This Credit Repair Commercial, Line by Dishonest Line

 

From the "let's pretend we are asking random photogenic people on the street about (fill in the blank") collection...

Spokeschoad:  "What's a good credit score?"

"Random" person:  "Um...600?"

S:  "Maybe...if you want to pay thousands of dollars extra in interest."

In fact:  A credit score of 600 lands you solidly in the "Fair" category.  "Good" starts at 670.  Certainly "Fair" isn't "good," but it's not "Poor" either.  If you are a young person- as this "random passerby" seems to be, it's actually pretty typical.

Spokeschoad:  "Will paying your bills fix your credit?"

"Random" person:  "YES!"

S:  "So confident!  But No!"

In fact:  The reason why this passerby was "so confident" in believing that paying bills will fix credit may be because she knows that it's the No. 1 factor in determining credit score.  Paying each bill on time, every time- and paying delinquent bills- most definitely DOES improve one's credit score.*  So smarmy, grinning jackass spokeschoad is just being dishonest here.   He's telling this person- and US- that we can't improve our credit score by paying our debts.  This isn't twisting the truth.  It's denying it.  It's a lie. 

Spokeschoad:  "Is credit repair expensive?"

"Random" person:  "Isn't having bad credit expensive?"

S:  "MY MAN!"

In fact:  This is the closest Spokeschoad comes to being honest, and he does it with a Yeahbutwhatabout non-argument.  Credit repair isn't expensive - in fact, it's free.  Just avoid using Creditrepair.com or any other BS "pay us to do what you can do all by yourself" service.  The "Isn't having bad credit expensive" line is technically correct, but the implication that your choice is Bad Credit or engaging Creditrepair.com is most definitely not.  This commercial tells us that 1) we need a very high credit score to avoid getting ripped off, 2) we can't get a very high credit score even by being a good credit risk, and therefore 3) we need to hire this company.  Period.  End of story.

Well, almost.  End of story should include one of these random people being verbally mugged by this smarmy jackass giving that smarmy jackass a solid kick to the teeth.  Maybe that actually happened but was edited out along with all of the responses that sounded too much like "that's incorrect; if you pay your debts and keep your bills paid up, your credit will improve, nice try spokeschoad." 

*35% of one's credit score is based on payment history.  Another 30% is based on amount of credit used:

https://www.cnbc.com/select/average-credit-score-by-state/#:~:text=Here%20are%20the%20top%2010%20states%20with%20the,Hampshire%3A%20729%209%20Nebraska%3A%20728%2010%20Hawaii%3A%20727