These 4imprint commercials are fascinating- terrible car wreck fascinating

 

The idea that so much rides on your company logo "looking perfect" on a piece of junk like a baseball cap or coffee mug or backpack nobody would be caught dead using or cheap pullover nobody would be caught dead wearing is both funny and sad.  Even worse would be finding yourself working in the 4imprint factory, overseeing the sewing or stamping of some stupid company's logo on to some piece of cheap crap that is almost certain to be left on a meeting table, in a hotel room, or somewhere else because the "lucky recipient" has no need for more trash to clutter up their suitcase, let alone their office or home. 

I wish I had a dollar for every lame giveaway stamped with some company's logo which I eventually tossed into a trash can when I realized it didn't even make a decent paperweight or keepsake from the place I got it.   And I mean that in all sincerity- I wish I had just gotten a dollar, instead of garbage with a logo slapped on it.  I've never thrown a dollar in the trash or failed to appreciate getting it. 

I don't get it. Why would anyone want- let alone "need"- the Hopper?

 

If you see an ad* for a device that can record up to 16 television programs at the same time and think "that's for me," it's seriously time to re-evaluate what went horribly wrong in your life.  The radio commercials for this atrocity feature people gushing about their ability to record "up to 2000 hours of television"- that's 83 DAYS of non-stop viewing -- realistically, it means that you are recording because you can, not because you'll ever actually WATCH even a fraction of this junk....I mean, do you plan to do do anything OTHER than watch TV, EVER?

*that dog looks like he'd like to go for a walk.  Any chance of that happening?  

Domino's Feeds the Privilege!

 

1.   Gotta love the "two minutes after it's ready" line.  What does this mean, exactly?  You pull into the parking spot, send a text to Domino's and....it will be out when it's ready.  Within two minutes after it's ready, in fact.  This doesn't mean you'll get it within two minutes after showing up, which I'm pretty sure is what most viewers get out of this commercial.  It'll just be out to your car two minutes after it's "ready."  Ok.

2.  "Challenge 'us'- 'us' meaning our underpaid Pizza Monkeys- to get that pizza out to your car.  Doesn't matter if it's raining, or snowing, or otherwise very dangerous outside Maybe You Shouldn't Be Out In This Weather Getting Pizza, We've Got Other Underpaid Pizza Monkeys Who Can Deliver, You Know!  You are the Customer, Our Pizza Monkeys are our Pizza Monkeys, just pop the trunk and give an imperious hand-wave (if it's not too much trouble) to the cold, wet and above all Underpaid Drone who brought our precious pizza out to your car!  Not like anyone involved in the making or paying for of this ad is going be doing any of this!"

3.  Better yet, stop acting like Marie F--ing Antoinette, put on a mask, and come in and get your own damned pizza, you ridiculous, lazy twats.  You could use the exercise anyway, and the last thing you really need is more pretending that you are more important than you already think you are.  

This ridiculous Chevrolet "Flex" Commercial is a damning commentary on Suburban Life

 

So I guess that if you're a white guy in America who lives in a $3 million dollar suburban McMansion, the way you "flex" is...to show off the tailgate on your ridiculous Totally Pointless for the Suburbs Prestige Purchase, otherwise known as your Chevy Truck.

And if you're a black guy in America, you humor your white male neighbor by letting him spend ten minutes gushing about his tailgate like a 12-year old who just got his first dirt bike.*

And if you are the neighbors of this white guy, you hate being reminded how incredibly shallow your suburban life is, but also enjoy mocking your neighbor for "flexing" about his freaking tailgate when he ought to be "flexing" about something that really matters- like the new riding mower you just got to trim the grass on your postage stamp-sized lawn, or your new $2500 grill you got because you heard the guys at the office mention that it was the model that came with 140 features, 139 of which you will never, ever actually use but WILL enjoy showing off when you can get the three people in the neighborhood who can bear your company to come over for a barbecue next summer.  

And getting back to that white guy- sooner or later, he'll realize what a total black hole his life has become (having been reduced to bragging - I'm done with the whole "flexing" thing- about how his new truck comes with this expandable tailgate which made it totally worth the extra five grand he paid for a truck he absolutely doesn't need) and just blow his brains out, hopefully with a classic rare Lugar that shows good for the neighbors. 

*oh, and you both wear oversized, untucked shirts to disguise the fact that neither of you has seen the inside of a gym in ten years and couldn't actually flex anything worth flexing if your life depended on it. 

It will never be Miller (County Arkansas) Time!

 

So this is what people in Miller County, Arkansas are doing instead of getting a COVID vaccine:  claiming to be experiencing Bigfoot Sightings?

As of this posting, only 12% of the population of Miller County, Arkansas- which gave 72% of it's vote to Donald Trump in the last Presidential Election- has taken one of the three readily Available at Your Local Pharmacy You Dumbass Crackers, Fully FDA Approved Vaccines.  Only 26% of citizens over the age of 65 have taken the vaccine.  Only 15% of adults over the age of 18 have received even a single shot.  

On the other hand, I'm guessing that at least 75% of the good people of Miller County, Arkansas are well aware that Freedom isn't Free, always Support the Troops,  and Remember 9/11 (though if they remember 01/06/21, it's almost certainly as That Day Freedom-Loving Patriots tried to Stop the Steal by Exercising Their Right of Protest, unless it's That Day Antifa Dressed Up Like Freedom-Loving Patriots to Frame Freedom-Loving Patriots.)  

And based on this video, I'm also guessing that at least the same proportion of the brain-dead knuckle-dragging zombies of Miller County, Arkansas believe that Bigfoot roams the forests of Miller County, Arkansas, Saddam Hussein attacked the US on 9/11, Hillary Clinton eats babies and Donald Trump is the second coming of Jesus.  Oh, and that masks are the Mark of the Beast and that the vaccines that Our Savior Donald Trump gave us are tainted with homing devices which also cause Autism because Biden keeps pushing them.  

So keep on keepin' on, inbred clueless hicks of Miller County, Arkansas.  Congratulations for bravely making up the Vanguard of Stupid.  And good luck in your continued pursuit of Bigfoot and dogged avoidance of Sense. 

NFL kickoff "we run as one" ad, the only way to experience it.

 

That is, with the volume completely Muted.

I'm serious.  I've never watched this with the sound on, and I'm sure I'm missing absolutely nothing.  Muted, all we get is a crowd of angry-for-no-reason, confident-in-their-ability-to-pose-and-look-confident-for-no-reason jagoffs shouting at the camera, shouting at each other, and then (as noted) simply standing at us with folded arms as if daring us to unmute the volume.

Don't know what I'm supposed to get out of this (other than a blog post,) nor do I care.  It's hysterical with the sound off.  I'm assuming that it's completely obnoxious with the sound on.  I'll avoid that for as long as I can, thanks anyway.   Heck, even the NFL doesn't want this video shared on sites other than YouTube, and I can't say as I blame them...

I understand Carrie Underwood is unveiling a brand new Sunday Night Football song tonight (writing this on Sunday afternoon, sorry.)  Another reason to have the remote at the ready. 

When in doubt, return to Fansville

 

The only thing sadder than the idea that any of the characters in the continuing story of two college students who got married and spent the next twenty years living in a state of arrested development, refusing to let go of what they imagine to be their Glory Days, is the fact that so many YouTube commentators seem to actually enjoy this garbage.  So much so that more than one loser has actually knitted every "Fansville" commercial into one video "season" to "share" with the not-quite-as-big losers who after all might watch the "season" but didn't spend hours putting it together.  No, I have no intention of using that for this blog, because that would require watching it, and no, I am not going to be watching it. 

Anyway, if you've seen one of these commercials, you've seen them all (which, again, makes the whole idea of watching an entire "season" about as pointless as watching more than one episode of Gilligan's Island or The Love Boat.)  Sad, college-obsessed parents pressure their kid to go to Generic State University like they did and to drink Dr. Pepper like they did and they do.  This one non-joke carries the entire "show," season after season, and the mouth-breathers who love this just keep asking for more, I'm guessing because most of the fans have never been to college and imagine that college is mostly about football and parties (I doubt that even they think it's about drinking Dr. Pepper, though.  I'll give them that much.)