Can someone at Arby's explain why this commercial is being shouted at us? I mean, it's an ad for a pork sandwich. Why are you trying to make it such a big deal, featuring a guy with an over-the-top booming voice that has me lunging for the volume button every time it comes on? What's that all about? It sounds like I'm about to be treated to a documentary about the creation of a life-shortening carb and fat delivery system.
It's not like he's describing anything truly remarkable here. I don't care if it "looks" like a rack of ribs. I'm sure it tastes....ok. That is, not like a rack of ribs, but what I'd expect a pork sandwich to taste like if I ever got one at Arby's. And whatever that is, it sure as hell isn't worth roaring over.
It's not the WORSE film ever- heck, it's not even the worst film of it's decade (that "honor" goes to St. Elmo's Fire, which has been analyzed to death for it's loathsome characters, garbage story, and throwaway nonsense 'Happy Ending.') But as a teen romance that is supposed to be heartfelt, inspiring, and whatever else characterized the era that gave us the Slow Clap, it's truly awful, and I'm going to take a break from trashing commercials today to tell you exactly why.
(By the way, I especially hate this film because I was working at a Video Rental Store when it was released on VHS and I had to watch it on the store's TV at least two or three times a day for about three weeks.)
(Also by the way, this post was inspired by a discussion on another thread, which is why the following is in a different font- it's literally cut-and-pasted. I'm kind of lazy plus there's a football game starting in an hour I'd like to get to.)
In 1987's Some Kind of Wonderful, Eric Stoltz's character (Keith) is best friends with Mary Stuart Masterson's character (Watts) and oblivious to the fact that Watts loves him because they are "just friends" and anyway Keith is infatuated with Amanda Jones (Leah Thompson.) Keith displays incredible cruelty toward his "friend" by borrowing her car to give Amanda a ride home, getting Watts to help him practice kissing, and finally using her feelings for him to get her to agree to be his chauffer for a date with Amanda (which Watts does even after repeatedly calling him out on his asshattery, because she's a pathetic doormat.) Oh, and Keith withdraws his college fund to buy Amanda earrings for their first and quite possibly only date. Because if he can't charm her, maybe he can buy her?
In the end, Keith doesn't actually realize that Watts is his true love- he gets dumped by Amanda, who decides that while she's grateful for being shown that her relationship with the Evil Rich Kids was toxic, that doesn't mean she wants to be with her Knight in Shining Armor, but that she wants to be Independent. Only then- when he's been abandoned by his Dream Girl in the middle of the street, does he remember that hey, he knows this other girl and she's crazy about him, so he runs over to her and gives her the earrings that were returned to him by Amanda. This is the "happy ending"= Keith failing to win his true love, and Settling for the woman who is willing to be kicked in the teeth repeatedly by the guy she can't stop crushing on no matter how emotionally abusive he is.
This film was seen as "romantic and sweet" in the era of St Elmo's Fire, but it's not hard to see how ugly and manipulative and cruel it is today.
"This App is Garbage! They're just trying to con you into thinking that there's an easy way to improve your credit score! Don't buy into their easy answers!
The way to REALLY improve your credit score is with THIS App from MY company!"
Uh huh. Hey Mr. Cena, unless your App tells people to pay all their bills on time, every time, and keep the percentage of credit used in the single-digits, and avoid opening up new credit unless absolutely necessary, your App is just garbage with a different label, sorry.
Meanwhile, why didn't you do The Marine II, III or IV? You think you're too big for Direct-To-DVD, but not too big to sell out to BS Boost-your-Credit "services" like this? Please.
If you're fat and poor, you can just go with Calories In, Calories Out- eat less, move more- and very safely lose one pound a week while also saving money because (hopefully) you aren't eating all that junk non-food that allowed you to pile on the pounds in the first place. And for those of you who want to argue "fast food is cheaper" and "fresh fruits and veggies are expensive" I will just point out that fast food is actually VERY EXPENSIVE when you sit down (which you are probably prone to do anyway) and calculate what you are getting for your dollar at McDonald's, Burger King, Taco Bell, KFC etc.) and that canned fruit and frozen veggies are just as nutritious as fresh and much, much cheaper than fresh. Also, you don't need a fancy exercise machine or a gym membership or Jazzercise or Spin classes. You just need to be willing to walk an hour a day. And if you try to tell me that you don't have an hour a day, you get to hear me ask how much time you spend every day on your phone or Netflix.
But if you're fat and rich, you can just get a subscription to Nutrisystem and have all your meals delivered to your door like you're helpless royalty incapable of actually taking charge of your life and your health but perfectly willing to burn that money you've got plenty of if it means you don't have to make any other decisions. I mean, we're talking $495 per month with automatic refills. I don't know about you, but that's at least three times my monthly food budget, and I eat pretty healthily. However, it IS quite a bit less than you'll be spending per month on a diet of "cheap" junk food. So I guess the next step is up to you.
The idea that so much rides on your company logo "looking perfect" on a piece of junk like a baseball cap or coffee mug or backpack nobody would be caught dead using or cheap pullover nobody would be caught dead wearing is both funny and sad. Even worse would be finding yourself working in the 4imprint factory, overseeing the sewing or stamping of some stupid company's logo on to some piece of cheap crap that is almost certain to be left on a meeting table, in a hotel room, or somewhere else because the "lucky recipient" has no need for more trash to clutter up their suitcase, let alone their office or home.
I wish I had a dollar for every lame giveaway stamped with some company's logo which I eventually tossed into a trash can when I realized it didn't even make a decent paperweight or keepsake from the place I got it. And I mean that in all sincerity- I wish I had just gotten a dollar, instead of garbage with a logo slapped on it. I've never thrown a dollar in the trash or failed to appreciate getting it.
If you see an ad* for a device that can record up to 16 television programs at the same time and think "that's for me," it's seriously time to re-evaluate what went horribly wrong in your life. The radio commercials for this atrocity feature people gushing about their ability to record "up to 2000 hours of television"- that's 83 DAYS of non-stop viewing -- realistically, it means that you are recording because you can, not because you'll ever actually WATCH even a fraction of this junk....I mean, do you plan to do do anything OTHER than watch TV, EVER?
*that dog looks like he'd like to go for a walk. Any chance of that happening?
1. Gotta love the "two minutes after it's ready" line. What does this mean, exactly? You pull into the parking spot, send a text to Domino's and....it will be out when it's ready. Within two minutes after it's ready, in fact. This doesn't mean you'll get it within two minutes after showing up, which I'm pretty sure is what most viewers get out of this commercial. It'll just be out to your car two minutes after it's "ready." Ok.
2. "Challenge 'us'- 'us' meaning our underpaid Pizza Monkeys- to get that pizza out to your car. Doesn't matter if it's raining, or snowing, or otherwise very dangerous outside Maybe You Shouldn't Be Out In This Weather Getting Pizza, We've Got Other Underpaid Pizza Monkeys Who Can Deliver, You Know! You are the Customer, Our Pizza Monkeys are our Pizza Monkeys, just pop the trunk and give an imperious hand-wave (if it's not too much trouble) to the cold, wet and above all Underpaid Drone who brought our precious pizza out to your car! Not like anyone involved in the making or paying for of this ad is going be doing any of this!"
3. Better yet, stop acting like Marie F--ing Antoinette, put on a mask, and come in and get your own damned pizza, you ridiculous, lazy twats. You could use the exercise anyway, and the last thing you really need is more pretending that you are more important than you already think you are.
