Never mind Big Brother. Netflix is watching us now.

 

There's so much off-putting (maybe just plain "gross" is the better way to put it?) here, I hardly know where to begin.  Not a good start, Netflix.

I mean, we are being "treated" to a talking remote control that is angry that this (appropriately yet predictably diverse) couple keeps "pushing it's buttons."  You've got one job, Mr. Remote Control.  If you're bitter that you are constantly having to do your One Job, maybe suicide is a reasonable option.  Can you reach your own battery door to slide it out and remove those batteries?  I think that would do it. 

I guess this is supposed to be cute, but seriously, it isn't at all.  

But then it just gets worse.  The remote has kept close tabs on what this couple is watching, and is willing to turn on one of them to generate conflict.  All these people have is their shared television viewing, so the female is quickly triggered by the discovery that her male significant other is watching television (cheating?) behind her back.  Maybe she thought he was at the gym or doing something about that spare tire he's carrying, like he said he was, instead of being immobile as usual in front of the Idiot Box With 60 Million Hours of Viewing Possibilities.  Seriously, this guy is a chonker and he does NOT need another excuse to spend any more time zombied-out on the couch.  But no, she's just annoyed that he "experienced" god knows how many more hours of some witless Netflix Original Series Garbage without her, like he's having an affair or something.  (Hell, when your relationship revolves around "sharing" TV shows, what's the difference between watching something on your own and having an affair anyway?)

The "happy ending" involves Netflix basically taking their viewing history and just starting them off on another marathon of time-wasting, intimacy-avoiding BS courtesy of everyone's favorite contribution to the obesity and social isolation pandemics.  And all because we think that a streaming "service" that uses complicated algorithms to place us in an endless loop of predictable, non-threatening, non-challenging generic "entertainment" is the triumph of Western Civilization.  Well, at least these people are unlikely to breed, having used up their fertile years on 16 seasons of whatever Carbon Copy Magic Sword Adventure Nonsense Netflix decided they should be watching instead.

Taco Bell starts the damage with the rising sun? Who knew?

 

I have NO IDEA who Lil Nas X is, what he does for a living, or what the deal is with his name.  Nor do I care, so please, don't feel like you need to tell me.  I don't even want to know if I'm using the correct pronouns.  I'll never type that name again, so I won't have to worry about it, ok?

I also have no idea how sad someone's life would have to get if they find themselves dreaming about whatever war crime Taco Bell is offering this week on their breakfast menu.  I didn't even know Taco Bell HAD a breakfast menu.  Of course, I don't really know anything about Taco Bell's NON-BREAKFAST menu beyond what I see on commercials either, so.....

I'm left with just one question.  How long does this woman think she's going to be able to live her dream of starting her days with Taco Bell breakfast whatever the hell this is sandwiches before she starts to experience serious health issues?  

Dominos reminds us that we get what we pay for

 

First of all, where's a sniper when you need one?  I see anyone standing on a roof shouting at the neighborhood that America's favorite crappy cardboard-flavored-dough and sugar delivery system is offering free non-food with every order of non-food made through their App, and I give any Second Amendment Loving American permission to take aim and fire away.  

Second, the last thing most of the people in this ad need is easy access to the garbage offered by Dominos.  They already look exhausted, listless, bored-- yeah, just the perfect customers for bland white dough, gummy cheese and- "best" of all- heavy lumps of sugar-topped "chocolate" whatever-the-hell-those-atrocities-are.  Good idea, Upper Middle Class Suburbanites- don't shop and cook.  Just scroll and tap.  And get this nonsense showing up at your door.  Getting your body to ingest it will be very easy- because these chemical baskets are designed to be easily digested.  Getting your body to extract anything of value from it will be pretty damn close to impossible, because you can't get blood from a stone or nutrition from any of the disgusting calorie bombs produced by Dominos.

But wow, it's so easy to order.  And check out the free stuff.  

What's the deal with your Rib Sandwich ad, Arby's?

 

Can someone at Arby's explain why this commercial is being shouted at us?  I mean, it's an ad for a pork sandwich.  Why are you trying to make it such a big deal, featuring a guy with an over-the-top booming voice that has me lunging for the volume button every time it comes on?  What's that all about? It sounds like I'm about to be treated to a documentary about the creation of a life-shortening carb and fat delivery system.

It's not like he's describing anything truly remarkable here.  I don't care if it "looks" like a rack of ribs.  I'm sure it tastes....ok.  That is, not like a rack of ribs, but what I'd expect a pork sandwich to taste like if I ever got one at Arby's.  And whatever that is, it sure as hell isn't worth roaring over.

Point of Personal Privilege: "Some Kind of Wonderful" is one of the worst films ever

 

It's not the WORSE film ever- heck, it's not even the worst film of it's decade (that "honor" goes to St. Elmo's Fire, which has been analyzed to death for it's loathsome characters, garbage story, and throwaway nonsense 'Happy Ending.')  But as a teen romance that is supposed to be heartfelt, inspiring, and whatever else characterized the era that gave us the Slow Clap, it's truly awful, and I'm going to take a break from trashing commercials today to tell you exactly why.  

(By the way, I especially hate this film because I was working at a Video Rental Store when it was released on VHS and I had to watch it on the store's TV at least two or three times a day for about three weeks.)

(Also by the way, this post was inspired by a discussion on another thread, which is why the following is in a different font- it's literally cut-and-pasted.  I'm kind of lazy plus there's a football game starting in an hour I'd like to get to.)

In 1987's Some Kind of Wonderful, Eric Stoltz's character (Keith) is best friends with Mary Stuart Masterson's character (Watts) and oblivious to the fact that Watts loves him because they are "just friends" and anyway Keith is infatuated with Amanda Jones (Leah Thompson.) Keith displays incredible cruelty toward his "friend" by borrowing her car to give Amanda a ride home, getting Watts to help him practice kissing, and finally using her feelings for him to get her to agree to be his chauffer for a date with Amanda (which Watts does even after repeatedly calling him out on his asshattery, because she's a pathetic doormat.)  Oh, and Keith withdraws his college fund to buy Amanda earrings for their first and quite possibly only date.  Because if he can't charm her, maybe he can buy her?

In the end, Keith doesn't actually realize that Watts is his true love- he gets dumped by Amanda, who decides that while she's grateful for being shown that her relationship with the Evil Rich Kids was toxic, that doesn't mean she wants to be with her Knight in Shining Armor, but that she wants to be Independent. Only then- when he's been abandoned by his Dream Girl in the middle of the street, does he remember that hey, he knows this other girl and she's crazy about him, so he runs over to her and gives her the earrings that were returned to him by Amanda. This is the "happy ending"= Keith failing to win his true love, and Settling for the woman who is willing to be kicked in the teeth repeatedly by the guy she can't stop crushing on no matter how emotionally abusive he is.

This film was seen as "romantic and sweet" in the era of St Elmo's Fire, but it's not hard to see how ugly and manipulative and cruel it is today. 

Ok, back to commercials tomorrow.  Probably.

John Cena, Experian Boost, and this "Mind Control" ad

 

"This App is Garbage!  They're just trying to con you into thinking that there's an easy way to improve your credit score!  Don't buy into their easy answers!

The way to REALLY improve your credit score is with THIS App from MY company!"

Uh huh.  Hey Mr. Cena, unless your App tells people to pay all their bills on time, every time, and keep the percentage of credit used in the single-digits, and avoid opening up new credit unless absolutely necessary, your App is just garbage with a different label, sorry. 

Meanwhile, why didn't you do The Marine II, III or IV?  You think you're too big for Direct-To-DVD, but not too big to sell out to BS Boost-your-Credit "services" like this?  Please. 

Nutrisystem: Because Privilege has it's Privileges

 

If you're fat and poor, you can just go with Calories In, Calories Out- eat less, move more- and very safely lose one pound a week while also saving money because (hopefully) you aren't eating all that junk non-food that allowed you to pile on the pounds in the first place.  And for those of  you who want to argue "fast food is cheaper" and "fresh fruits and veggies are expensive" I will just point out that fast food is actually VERY EXPENSIVE when you sit down (which you are probably prone to do anyway) and calculate what you are getting for your dollar at McDonald's, Burger King, Taco Bell, KFC etc.)  and that canned fruit and frozen veggies are just as nutritious as fresh and much, much cheaper than fresh.  Also, you don't need a fancy exercise machine or a gym membership or Jazzercise or Spin classes.  You just need to be willing to walk an hour a day.  And if you try to tell me that you don't have an hour a day, you get to hear me ask how much time you spend every day on your phone or Netflix. 

But if you're fat and rich, you can just get a subscription to Nutrisystem and have all your meals delivered to your door like you're helpless royalty incapable of actually taking charge of your life and your health but perfectly willing to burn that money you've got plenty of if it means you don't have to make any other decisions.  I mean, we're talking $495 per month with automatic refills.  I don't know about you, but that's at least three times my monthly food budget, and I eat pretty healthily.  However, it IS quite a bit less than you'll be spending per month on a diet of "cheap" junk food.  So I guess the next step is up to you.