Chase Business Complete Banking, Zach and Zoe, and the American Dream of Money for Nothing

 

Zach and Zoe are typical of millions of Americans who dream of someday not getting up and going to an honest job to do an honest day's work but instead grift their way to success by finding a niche market to sell a non-product to a gullible public which has money because it gets up every day and goes to an honest job, decided one day after visiting a farmer's market that hey, why can't they sell something to stupid rich white people?

Zach and Zoe then decided that they needed an attractive "origin story" that didn't involve anything I posted in the first paragraph because that just sounds awful.  "I wasn't satisfied with what was available out there" has been done to death, and besides, it's not like thousands of people out there aren't already selling honey, so they went with "this all started when we discovered the benefits of local honey."* Huh.  That's interesting, for two reasons:  First, if Zach and Zoe "discovered the benefits of local honey," that means that someone local was already selling local honey.  So what they "decided" to do was try to steal someone else's hustle.  Much easier than being original, I guess.  But second, don't hold your breath waiting to hear what those "benefits" are, because you're not going to.  Probably because the Benefits of Local Honey boils down to "suburban idiots think that local honey has benefits, which means they'll buy it."  The actual Benefit lies in the gullibility of people with money.

That doesn't sound good, so let's just focus on how easy it is to scam the public into buying your bee poo packaged in cutesy-quaint glass jars by partnering with Chase Business Complete Banking- specifically, how important it is to complete the transaction quickly, before that public has a chance to realize that it's paying for overpriced bee excrement because it has undefined Benefits which have never been defined and are certainly not going to be by these smiling entrepreneurs who just want to call themselves business people Never You Damn Mind that they have Nothing to Sell.** 

And to top off this stupid celebration of Capitalism, we get a scene where Zach and Zoe are feeding honey to their children because Of Course They Are.  

*and can we be honest for a second, please?  Zach and Zoe will drop that "local honey" BS the moment they have the opportunity to take this grift national.   How are they going to go about selling their crap as "local honey" when Nestle offers to add it as a subdivision and market it everywhere?  Think Zach and Zoe will give a flying damn when they are rolling in cold hard cash?  Me neither. 

**I've lived in a Dark Blue Suburb for enough years to know that there's NOTHING that upper-class white people appreciate more than the opportunity to purchase ANYTHING being sold by a smiling black family at a farmer's market, where everyone they know can see them doing it.  Because nothing brings a suburban white person closer to nirvana than patronizing a black-owned business, especially when that black-owned business is being run by a black family that looks like they just stepped out of the background shots of a Hallmark Christmas movie.  All these guys have to do is offer "Hate Has No Home Here" yard signs free with every purchase over $20 and they'll totally clean up, every time. 

T-Mobile's stupid "Switch Proposal" ad isn't even Original Garbage.

 

You know, this guy may as well just propose marriage right now.  First, he'll never be more excited about anything than switching to T-Mobile, so why not just ride that enthusiasm right into another commitments?  Second, it's pretty obvious that this woman- though surprised at the notion of being proposed to, I mean, just go back and look at her posture when she thinks he's about to pull out a ring- will respond with a "yes."  She's so obviously desperate- she's with this breathlessly enthusiastic-over-a-freaking-phone dweeb, after all- she'd probably accept a proposal from the waiter if he said anything that sounded anything close to one.  I'm guessing this is at least the fourth time she thought this guy was about to propose, and the first time was on their first date. 

By the way, haven't I seen this almost exact same commercial before, either for T-Mobile or another mobile service?  I'm sure I have- the only difference was that the guy was giving a smartphone to his date and begging her to sign up with him because the phone was free with a new contract, or something.  That was gross.  This is at least as bad.  

Slope County, North Dakota: This month's Capital of Dumb

 

Slope County is the smallest county in the state of North Dakota by population, with some 767 residents according to the 2010 census.  It's predominately (98%) white, with most residents claiming German as their primary ethnicity.  It's not especially poor, with a median income of $43,000 in an area where $43,000 is a decent annual salary.  The county hasn't voted for a Democrat for President since 1964 and gave 89% of it's vote to Donald Trump in 2020.

Only 10 percent of the residents of Slope County North Dakota is fully vaccinated against COVID-19.  That's currently the worst rate in the entire country.  Only 12 percent of adults are vaccinated, and less than one in four SENIORS are vaccinated.  This is a place with no hills, no trees, no large bodies of water and, apparently, no brains.  It does, however, have a lot of "peace and quiet" according to the YouTube commenters, which is pretty damning praise for a county full of knuckle-dragging loons who refuse to vaccinate against a highly contagious, very deadly disease.   I suspect that American flags and MAGA caps outnumber libraries by a wide margin in Slope County North Dakota.  I'm guessing that Joe Biden is referred to the "alleged" president among the six percent of the residents who know what "alleged" means and as the "fake woke" president by pretty much everyone else.  And I'm guessing that a significant majority of them are still convinced that Hillary is coming for their guns, any day now. 

Oh well, at least Slope County North Dakota is 1700 miles from my house and unless there's another call for an insurrection against the US government nobody from there is likely to visit my neighborhood any time soon.  So other than this post, I'll just let the Stupid Citizens of Slope County North Dakota alone and hope they keep enjoying their freedom- right there in Slope County North Dakota and absolutely nowhere else.   The rest of us are trying to have a society, after all. 

George Foreman joins the "I'll do anything for a buck" parade by pitching Select Advisor

 

Anyone who watches daytime television- which means, basically, elderly people joined by a small population of lazy idiots who simply refuse to go back to work as long as they can milk the state or relatives for money- has been buried by these "Medicare Supplement Insurance" ads for years now.  They all feature men (haven't seen any females yet) who were household names in the 1970s - Joe Namath, JJ Walker, Danny Glover, and here's George Foreman- and whose appearance on television probably tweaks a nostalgia bone in the seniors or near-seniors watching the tube.  They all make their pitch with big smiles and earnest voices, urging the viewers to take advantage of all the "great benefits" they may be "missing" because they aren't using all the "Medicare Benefits" that they are entitled to.

What's really happening, of course, is that this sleazy non-insurance is hiding behind equally sleazy semi-celebrities - and the trusted name "Medicare"- to sell a non-product no elderly person actually needs.  Yes, the product is "free"- if you call giving a stranger your phone number, Social Security number, Medicare number and physical mailing address- making you a target for every other scammer who definitely will NOT let you off "FOR FREEEE" if they can get away with it- "free."  This "product" offers absolutely nothing you can't get simply by calling Medicare (it's the number on the back of the card, NOT the number on the TV screen) and asking a few questions.  And Medicare won't sell your number to grifters, go figure.  They also won't charge you for "extras" you are entitled to- which is where Select Advisor gets its money if the elderly person on the other end actually does agree to sign up.  They are the equivalent of an online "service" hiding behind what sure looks like the USPS logo offering to hold your mail for you for the low, low price of $15 per month.  But again, even if you DON'T sign up- they still have your personal information to sell to someone else. 

It wouldn't surprise me in the least to learn that Joe Namath and JJ Walker are in need of extra cash and this shameful gig was the best they could do- I mean, neither has been relevant in media for nearly fifty years (man, that's depressing to think about.  Now I'm depressed.)  But George Foreman, after retiring in 1977 having made some $10 million adjusted-for-inflation dollars, returned to the ring ten years later, made another $20 million in purses, rented his name to an electric grill company in exchange for 45% of the grill's profits (he says that he was making up to $8 million PER MONTH at one point,) took in $11 million in compensation for doing infomercials for the grill, and eventually sold out for $137 million.  His current net worth is estimated to be north of $200 million.  In short, HE DOESN'T NEED THIS MONEY.  Which leads me to conclude that HE JUST LIKES BEING ON TV and HE JUST REALLY, REALLY LIKES MONEY.  So much so that he's willing to lend his trusted face and name to Scammer Info Central.

Here's what I really don't get, though:  Why is any company allowed to use the trademarked term "Medicare" to pitch a product that is not in any way legally connected and approved by Medicare?  Oh right, because Capitalism and the fact that the United States has the most lax Truth in Advertising laws in the Western World.  At least we're Number One in something.  Too bad it has to be in something that victimizes thousands of innocent old people every year. 

Domino's "Free" commercials remind us why we can't have nice things, like Universal Health Care

 

Just another "not surprised the comments are turned off it's so stupid" commercial....

Is it just me, or is there something really, really off-putting about watching a bunch of fat, listless suburbanites celebrating getting something extra-awful to go along with the pasty bland carbohydrate load they willingly handed over real money for?  I mean, I totally understand that if you're going to buy a disc of soggy dough, paste and the cheapest cheese available that comes delivered in a warm cardboard box you might be open to the idea of getting something for free along with it, but just look at the free stuff being offered and try to convince me it's anything to get excited about:  Lumps of things that look like sugar-topped chocolate lead weights and probably have the same impact on your stomach if you actually try to digest them.  More bland-as-hell warm bread.  Or just more of the pizza you apparently ordered while being of sound mind and body. 

And just in case we aren't transfixed and convinced by the witless knuckle-dragging slack-jawed yokels who haven't quite figured out how to use those kitchens which came with the houses they inexplicably live in, check out the lunatic who thought she was going to have an actual acting career screeching into a bullhorn about how Domino's is so damn desperate to shove poisonous garbage down America's Cake Hole it's willing to give several cents worth of that poisonous garbage away for free if you just add some stupid App to the 300 stupid Apps already on your phone because you have a phone with a ton of memory and you have no self-control.  And if SHE can't talk you into being hyped, well, we've got a really awful "band" playing "music" at you which is SO stupid it's dismissed by the waste of oxygen using the bullhorn. 

Yeah, sorry Bernie Sanders, but this is the reason why I'm not buying into Health Care for All.  Not as long as we're a nation of smokers, vapers, anti-vaxxers, drinkers and people who think that McDonald's, KFC, Papa John's and Domino's are restaurants and not Obesity/Suicide Assistance Centers.   No thanks, I'm not subsidizing that.

So many stupid, pointless, witless, just plain dumb Questions from Hyundai

 

The only thing I'd be wondering if the person sitting next to me in the car started bleating these stupid non-questions is if I could manage to dig a shallow grave nearby without being spotted by pesky witnesses. Or why this car doesn't come with an ejector seat. 

These ads aren't clever, thought-provoking, or in any way effective at making me interested in purchasing a Hyundai, which I'm told are actually well-built cars that have more than enough positive attributes to fill a commercial.  Making BS like this beyond pointless.   And just think, someone got PAID to write this garbage. 

(BTW, I just realized that this is my 3000th commercial post!  So many terrible ads!)

Obnoxious even for a Charles Schwab Commercial, and that's really saying something.

 

1.  This couple's new Charles Schwab broker can't see the Former Broker, except perhaps as a tiny image in the distance.  Online conferences don't work this way.  When the new broker says "hi" and waves, she's just assuming that her clients aren't insane and that there really is someone there to say "hi" to.  

2.  The new broker probably thinks her clients are insane.  Who could be so dickish as to do something like this?  "Oh hi, person we fired.  Say hi to the person who replaced you."  Seriously,  I'd just tell these people "f-- off, former clients.  I'm on vacation."

3.  And as long as I'm imagining what I would do if I were the Former Broker, I'd remind these dicktards that they are on vacation at a fabulous beach...and this person they are talking to on their little screen is their NEW broker.  That means that I wasn't doing such a bad job now, was I?  You ungrateful jackasses got yourself a gorgeous beach vacation but I guess that wasn't quite good enough, because you dumped me for a new broker who has done what exactly for you?  Snark on me if you are back at this vacation spot NEXT year, after you've given this new broker a chance to play with your money for a while.  And if you find that you aren't in the financial position to vacation here next year, well, sorry but my client list is full.  Go pound sand, you knobs!