It's 12:59 in the afternoon, so....start drinking whiskey?
That's the recipe for a very happy Thanksgiving for some people. Some very sad, very lonely people. Let's be thankful on this day if we aren't one of them. And let's hope that if these people do have loved ones, their holiday isn't disrupted by the hard drinkers who have decided that they should start the hard liquor pouring before the first of three NFL games scheduled for the day gets underway.
This ridiculous pile of (I assume very tasty) garbage packs 710 calories, 52% of which is derived from Fat. That's 41 grams of fat, 16 grams of which is Saturated Fat. If that's not quite bad enough, it also "provides" 1400 grams of sodium- or more than half the MAXIMUM RDA for sodium.
But wait, there's more!
You can also get a DOUBLE Bourbon Bacon Cheese Fat Murderburger, which clocks in at 970 calories. Or you can go full-on F--k It I'm Done and get the TRIPLE version, which has 1280 calories, 86 grams of fat and 1940 grams of sodium. Want fries with that? Of course you do! And don't forget the large Coke, or perhaps a milkshake? And don't forget dessert!
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: This is one of the main reasons we can't have Universal Health Care: We simply can't afford it. Not only can we not afford the extra health care costs that come with obesity, but we can't afford to remove the last shred of incentive for these ridiculous chow hounds to get a grip on what they eat. I'm sure there are people out there who have cut back on shoveling junk down their cake holes for the sole purpose of lowering their insurance costs and avoiding the crippling bills that come from being dependent on insulin, or are at least concerned that they might in the near future need a mobility scooter that isn't 100 percent covered by their plan. Enact Universal Health Care and those people who don't give a damn about their looks OR their ability to tie their shoes without flop-sweating will celebrate with a trip to the Drive-Thru because F-- Your Beauty Standards You Fatphobic F--k, or something.
Because of course the Phone of Choice for a $10-per-hour Bike Delivery Monkey is the $1200 Apple iPhone 13. Either Apple has no idea how much people make, or Apple is very, very familiar with the spending choices of people determined to be poor, or Apple is very, very familiar with the typical twenty-something's idea of what a "necessity" is.
Seriously, buddy- you don't need the latest Status Flasher from Apple to do your job. You need a $79 Garmin you can pick up on Amazon or at Walmart. Oh but that doesn't come with three cameras you don't need, either, plus it doesn't show well for your friends,* so I guess that's out, huh?
*So I guess we know where this guy's stimulus check went, don't we? Not paying back rent. Not taking care of some bills that had backed up during the Pandemic. Not Savings. Nope, that check went right to the newest shiny toy that had the awesome power to make this guy forget that he's a poor shmuck with absolutely no sense or thought for tomorrow because if another "unexpected" bill comes up, well, that's what relatives or government aid is there for, right?
(To be fair, none of these lame "Fansville" Dr. Pepper commercials really work, for a number of reasons. First, not only are they all one-joke, one-beat garbage, but the one joke is always the same joke. Second, that one joke isn't funny.)
This particular Dr. Pepper commercial fails for two ADDITIONAL reasons:
1. It plays on the "desperate to be a bride" trope. You know, the one where extremely attractive young women long to be swept off their feet by any fat doofus with a ring (and maybe a great iPhone package?) who comes around to offer them escape from their Last Name and a life of child-bearing and child-rearing in a suburban McMansion. That one. The one that's been played to death and (I hope) hasn't aged well at all. It's 2021, television. Women have goals that don't revolve around a guy and a house and kids.
2. It invents it's own trope which doesn't fit with the first one, suggesting that MEN are JUST AS ANXIOUS to get married and will mug each other to get that garter once the groom tosses it in the air. Excuse me, but this makes negative sense in the universe you yourself created. If those beautiful young women are desperate to get married, and those doofus fat men are equally desperate to get married, why don't they....I don't know, I'm just reaching here...MARRY EACH OTHER? After all, these women clearly just want to get married and really don't care who offers the ring. And these men are NOT going to do better than these beautiful young women. Seriously, what the actual hell??
Here's another one of those otherworldly AT&T ads featuring one a glowing, spotlessly clean store, exactly one customer, and AT&T employees who look like they HAVEN'T been on their feet for eight hours dealing with 200 angry, frustrated, sweating people who have been waiting for their name to show up on a screen to let them know that they haven't been lost in the system and will, eventually, get a chance to be told that no, they can't get the problem they have with their phone fixed unless they Upgrade to a more expensive plan.
As usual, the customer is Already With AT&T but No Problem, she's eligible for whatever BS offer AT&T is offering this week in a desperate attempt to keep up with the competition, which figured out quite some time ago that Lily is nice to look at but no reason to maintain "loyalty" to a freaking phone service provider when there are a dozen other similarly priced packages out there offering the same thing that don't have to pay an actress whose Fifteen Minutes ran out three years ago. AT&T isn't in any position to favor new customers over old when all their competitors are lining up to offer to pay their way out of any contract if you agree to jump over.
Because- know what? AT&T stores don't look like this in real life. They look like T-Mobile stores and Cricket stores and Sprint stores- they are hot, crowded and staffed by damp, limp, exhausted young people trying to balance school with the need to earn a paycheck who have a limited knowledge of phones but are well-versed in contract limitations and the concept that those paychecks depend on signing up a certain number of people each shift. Nobody in their right mind would just stroll into one of these stores for no reason and, in fact, anyone with half a brain dreads having to walk into that door, because they know it's going to be a long wait for any help at all and odds are at least even that you'll walk out having accomplished absolutely nothing. If you're tired enough when you walk in, you might even walk out having signed something you didn't read that's going to cost you much more than you realize.
I guess that Lexus thinks "Modern" equals "Ridiculously wealthy." It's not enough that this family has a tricked-out Lexus with "stealth mode" (seriously, what is the purpose of this "feature," anyway? Just to not wake up your kids when you get home? For real? Because I can tell you that the people who drive past my house have zero interest in "stealth mode." More like "I need to let everyone in this neighborhood know what crap taste I have in 'music' mode.") Look at that house. Come on. How is this at all relatable to anyone?
And as for that daughter- shut the f--k up, little girl. Your stupid-rich parents don't have to dash home from parent-teacher conferences if they don't want to. They are adults- even if they do act like naughty children trying to sneak back into their own house. Go back to your bedroom in the palace they provide for you. And thank the genetic lottery for your ridiculous privileged life. You all make me sick. Seriously.
It's my understanding that the original "Jake" from the "Jake from State Farm" ads which first appeared back in 2011 was an actual State Farm employee who answered a casting call and landed the spot which many viewers found mildly amusing a few times (in television lexicon, that means "captured our hearts" and "became a cultural icon," because of course Television.)
And it's also my understanding that when State Farm decided to bring the character back (sort of; he's so different, I kind of wonder why they even went with the name "Jake" and didn't just invent a new character) they decided to go with someone with acting experience, because apparently being a grinning toady stalker who bleats the same lines in every single ad requires acting experience- more acting experience than that original guy could have ever hoped to achieve. I mean, just one viewing of any of the "new" Jake from State Farm Commercials should convince anyone that the guy playing Jake probably has at least a decade of theater experience, probably even Broadway, am I right?
And State Farm is so determined that the new Jake become as iconic as the old one (how hard could that be?) that a recent State Farm-sponsored "story" about the new guy playing Jake (Kevin something. I don't care) "assures" us that he's "here to stay," like we're supposed to be concerned, or something.
But my question is, what is it about this role that made State Farm believe it needed to be filled with a "professional actor" in the first place? Jake has one look- a squinty eyed, bemused level of smarm delivered with a grin that makes any sane person want to punch him square in the face. He has the emotional range of Michael B Jordan or his female equivalent, Alicia Vikander. He has at most three lines. The same three lines. In every ad. This requires talent?
Oh, but this guy is in much better shape than the original Jake, who didn't hang around with celebrities like a starstruck lickspittle but just sat in his cubicle doing his job. I'm guessing that when it comes to actual employees, State Farm would prefer that they act like the first Jake and doesn't really care if they have good muscle tone because- well, they're just supposed to be answering calls, not f--king off with Patrick Mahomes, Aaron Rodgers (I bet he wishes he had worn a mask) or anyone else on the company's time.
