Deep-fried chicken AND Macaroni and Cheese AND oily biscuits AND French Fries? You got a serious death wish there, buddy!!
Eight pieces of chicken: At least 2800 calories.
Macaroni and Cheese side: 560 calories.
4 biscuits: 720 calories.
French Fries: 800 calories.
Total= approximately 5000 calories. Assuming that this "meal" is supposed to be for four people (and that's a very generous assumption) that's half a day's suggested requirement for an adult male in a single meal. Never mind the sodium and cholesterol counts, which I'd look up except that I just finished seven and a half hours in a car to get back to the area from Thanksgiving break and I need a nap.
The first dozen times I was hit over the head with this stupid one-obvious-joke frying pan of an ad I had the horrible sinking feeling that if I went over to YouTube I would find that thousands of my fellow countrymen just thought it was THE FUNNIEST BEST COMMERCIAL EVER LOL CAUSE IT GOT A CAT AND I LOVE CAT I HAVE CAT followed by 200 idiot cat owners (oh excuse me, cat servants in the blubbering language of the cat person) taking any opportunity that presents itself to gush about their own cats.
And, sure enough, I found exactly that- a long line of drooling, bottom-feeding idiots trying to outdo each other gushing about how much they love this ad. Because Cat. Because they have Cat. Because I had Husband named Walter He Dead Now (no kidding, one commenter actually went there.)
And then someone wrote "does Cat come with Truck," which set off a long stream of "I want Cat with truck" and "I went to Dealer Couldn't Find Version Comes with Cat," responded to with "Maybe Cat is Option," "Cat Should Be Option," and many more versions of "I Need Let Know I More Stupid Than You" than you can shake a stick at.
All over a dumb truck ad with a joke anyone with an IQ room temperature could see coming from two miles down the road. Seriously, people. Can we please just stop now?
The World (to be precise, the Western World, which to be fair is the only world that counts because it's the world that can afford Netflix) is on Netflix. Which is probably a big reason why the world is sedentary. And why the world is on Insulin. And why the world's average lifespan has leveled off and is actually declining for the first time in 700 years. No, Netflix can't be given all the credit. But it deserves it's share for encouraging so many of us to just sit still, doesn't it?
It's 12:59 in the afternoon, so....start drinking whiskey?
That's the recipe for a very happy Thanksgiving for some people. Some very sad, very lonely people. Let's be thankful on this day if we aren't one of them. And let's hope that if these people do have loved ones, their holiday isn't disrupted by the hard drinkers who have decided that they should start the hard liquor pouring before the first of three NFL games scheduled for the day gets underway.
This ridiculous pile of (I assume very tasty) garbage packs 710 calories, 52% of which is derived from Fat. That's 41 grams of fat, 16 grams of which is Saturated Fat. If that's not quite bad enough, it also "provides" 1400 grams of sodium- or more than half the MAXIMUM RDA for sodium.
But wait, there's more!
You can also get a DOUBLE Bourbon Bacon Cheese Fat Murderburger, which clocks in at 970 calories. Or you can go full-on F--k It I'm Done and get the TRIPLE version, which has 1280 calories, 86 grams of fat and 1940 grams of sodium. Want fries with that? Of course you do! And don't forget the large Coke, or perhaps a milkshake? And don't forget dessert!
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: This is one of the main reasons we can't have Universal Health Care: We simply can't afford it. Not only can we not afford the extra health care costs that come with obesity, but we can't afford to remove the last shred of incentive for these ridiculous chow hounds to get a grip on what they eat. I'm sure there are people out there who have cut back on shoveling junk down their cake holes for the sole purpose of lowering their insurance costs and avoiding the crippling bills that come from being dependent on insulin, or are at least concerned that they might in the near future need a mobility scooter that isn't 100 percent covered by their plan. Enact Universal Health Care and those people who don't give a damn about their looks OR their ability to tie their shoes without flop-sweating will celebrate with a trip to the Drive-Thru because F-- Your Beauty Standards You Fatphobic F--k, or something.
Because of course the Phone of Choice for a $10-per-hour Bike Delivery Monkey is the $1200 Apple iPhone 13. Either Apple has no idea how much people make, or Apple is very, very familiar with the spending choices of people determined to be poor, or Apple is very, very familiar with the typical twenty-something's idea of what a "necessity" is.
Seriously, buddy- you don't need the latest Status Flasher from Apple to do your job. You need a $79 Garmin you can pick up on Amazon or at Walmart. Oh but that doesn't come with three cameras you don't need, either, plus it doesn't show well for your friends,* so I guess that's out, huh?
*So I guess we know where this guy's stimulus check went, don't we? Not paying back rent. Not taking care of some bills that had backed up during the Pandemic. Not Savings. Nope, that check went right to the newest shiny toy that had the awesome power to make this guy forget that he's a poor shmuck with absolutely no sense or thought for tomorrow because if another "unexpected" bill comes up, well, that's what relatives or government aid is there for, right?
(To be fair, none of these lame "Fansville" Dr. Pepper commercials really work, for a number of reasons. First, not only are they all one-joke, one-beat garbage, but the one joke is always the same joke. Second, that one joke isn't funny.)
This particular Dr. Pepper commercial fails for two ADDITIONAL reasons:
1. It plays on the "desperate to be a bride" trope. You know, the one where extremely attractive young women long to be swept off their feet by any fat doofus with a ring (and maybe a great iPhone package?) who comes around to offer them escape from their Last Name and a life of child-bearing and child-rearing in a suburban McMansion. That one. The one that's been played to death and (I hope) hasn't aged well at all. It's 2021, television. Women have goals that don't revolve around a guy and a house and kids.
2. It invents it's own trope which doesn't fit with the first one, suggesting that MEN are JUST AS ANXIOUS to get married and will mug each other to get that garter once the groom tosses it in the air. Excuse me, but this makes negative sense in the universe you yourself created. If those beautiful young women are desperate to get married, and those doofus fat men are equally desperate to get married, why don't they....I don't know, I'm just reaching here...MARRY EACH OTHER? After all, these women clearly just want to get married and really don't care who offers the ring. And these men are NOT going to do better than these beautiful young women. Seriously, what the actual hell??
