Verizon, Kate McKinnon, and that existential question: WHY?

 

I don't believe for one minute that anyone would actually dump Verizon because of these horrible, obnoxious commercials featuring a ridiculously aggressive (oh, excuse me, "Quirky") Kate McKinnon dashing about pointing at people and their stupid phones when not jamming her face into the camera.  Nor do I believe for one minute that anyone would SWITCH to Verizon based on these stupid ads.  So I have to assume that someone at Verizon just decided that it would be fun to hand a woman who doesn't need the financial assistance a big pile of money to do a series of ads that basically result in a wash for the company's bottom line.  The only logical result of any of this is that Verizon's customers are irritated, Verizon's non-customers are irritated, and Kate McKinnon's bank account is even happier. 

As a Verizon customer who is not going to go through the bother of changing carriers, I'd like Verizon to at least know that I am going to continue to send them money only for that reason.  It's not an endorsement of this noxious stupidity.  I'd start writing that on every check from now on except I doubt anyone over there cares, and I pay my bill electronically anyway.  So I guess I'm just going to keep on being a voice in the wilderness here. 

This 7-11 Commercial is celebrating low expectations, I guess

 

What planet is this 7-11 on?  Every one I have ever been to features coffee in giant urns which may or may not have been cleaned since the Obama Administration (it's hard to tell from the taste) and which may or may not dispense actual HOT coffee which may or may not be actual coffee and not just coffee-flavored water.  Every one I have ever been to features "soda fountains" which dispense a little soda and a lot of water.  Every one has as it's only real selling point Relatively Cheap and Reasonably Fast.  Notice that you did not read the word "Quality" anywhere in that selling point.

Nothing about a visit to 7-11 has ever made me want to dance.  This would make slightly more sense if one of these kids was seen purchasing a scratch-off ticket (I forgot; this is another selling point of 7-11s: an almost infinite variety of perforated cardboard with pretty pictures on it you can purchase for anywhere from $4 to $20 each) and actually winning more money than the ticket cost.  But there's no hint of this anywhere.  They are just dancing around a 7-11 parking lot* because they bought lukewarm, watered-down coffee and watery soda?  Seriously?  

*which is devoid of cars.  In the middle of the day.  Another thing I don't associate with visiting any 7-11 I've ever seen. 

Checkers is out to punish Erin.

 

This monstrosity weighs in at more than 1400 calories, more than one-third of which come from FAT.   So if Erin "earned" this, she must have done something terribly, terribly wrong offscreen.

We know enough about the psychological and physical impact of fat-laden foods to realize that Erin is very likely to feel bloated and exhausted- if not downright depressed- after consuming this greasy pile of junk from Checker's.  So what "Mother Crunching" thing did you do to deserve this, Erin?  

That Capital One Commercial featuring the Levys

 

Eugene Levy is playing a Boomer here and he is, in fact, a Boomer, born at the very end of 1946.  

And that's where the Realism of this ad ends.

Eugene Levy is worth $20 million.  I really don't see him being all that concerned with the price of automobiles and, at 75, he's probably about as familiar with all the options that come with today's cars as a turtle is about 5G.  It would make about as much sense for his daughter to seek advice from that turtle about how to go about picking out a new car than it does about her asking a guy who was born during the Truman Administration.

Speaking of that daughter- that's a pretty substantial house she seems to be living in.  There's pretty solid evidence here that she kind of knows what she's doing.  She's thirty-five years old and she's living on her own.  She can probably manage to buy a freaking car.  Especially since she's Sarah Levy, a successful actor in her own right.  So really- this is kind of dumb.  Which, considering how I usually view commercials, is actually pretty high praise. 

And I honestly don't even know what Serena Williams is being used to sell here.

 

You'd think that maybe the second or third time this jackass treated his female friend like she's a mentally ill child who can't quite grasp the concept of being able to change channels using a remote that woman would simply get up and walk out, or at least tell him to Shut The F--k Up because this ability has existed since the 1980s at least.  Instead, she sits there with her mouth slightly open as if that's the orifice she takes in entertainment with, so maybe he just knows her well enough to realize that this really is the proper way to explain the concept to her.

So we get Serena Williams in a Wonder Woman outfit hitting tennis balls, because this is amusing to the YouTube mouth-breathers who may or may not be related to the woman in this ad.  She finds this astonishing, which, again...yeah, I take back my criticism of the way this guy talked to his female friend.  Tomorrow he'll be explaining to her how toast works. 

KFC: It's cheaper than a gun, after all...

 

Deep-fried chicken AND Macaroni and Cheese AND oily biscuits AND French Fries?  You got a serious death wish there, buddy!!

Eight pieces of chicken:  At least 2800 calories.

Macaroni and Cheese side:  560 calories.

4 biscuits:  720 calories.

French Fries:   800 calories.

Total= approximately 5000 calories.  Assuming that this "meal" is supposed to be for four people (and that's a very generous assumption) that's half a day's suggested requirement for an adult male in a single meal.  Never mind the sodium and cholesterol counts, which I'd look up except that I just finished seven and a half hours in a car to get back to the area from Thanksgiving break and I need a nap.  

And they forgot the corn bread!!

Chevy just loves dangling Stupid Objects in front of us.

 

The first dozen times I was hit over the head with this stupid one-obvious-joke frying pan of an ad I had the horrible sinking feeling that if I went over to YouTube I would find that thousands of my fellow countrymen just thought it was THE FUNNIEST BEST COMMERCIAL EVER LOL CAUSE IT GOT A CAT AND I LOVE CAT I HAVE CAT followed by 200 idiot cat owners (oh excuse me, cat servants in the blubbering language of the cat person) taking any opportunity that presents itself to gush about their own cats.

And, sure enough, I found exactly that- a long line of drooling, bottom-feeding idiots trying to outdo each other gushing about how much they love this ad.  Because Cat.  Because they have Cat.  Because I had Husband named Walter He Dead Now (no kidding, one commenter actually went there.)  

And then someone wrote "does Cat come with Truck," which set off a long stream of "I want Cat with truck" and "I went to Dealer Couldn't Find Version Comes with Cat," responded to with "Maybe Cat is Option," "Cat Should Be Option," and many more versions of "I Need Let Know I More Stupid Than You" than you can shake a stick at.

All over a dumb truck ad with a joke anyone with an IQ room temperature could see coming from two miles down the road.  Seriously, people.  Can we please just stop now?