Indeed I Don't

 

I'm guessing that the shipping manager isn't leaving to "find herself"- that's just a stupid-snarky, clueless take from a boss's perspective:  She was a good sales manager, but flaky as hell so one day she decided to just go quit on me and my Very Important Business Because She's Flaky As Hell along with being Disloyal to My Vision.  I'm guessing instead that the shipping manager is off to make more money doing something else, and her leaving could have been avoided if the owner of this Very Important Business was willing to part with a little more of her Very Important (and Hard-Earned) Money. 

Instead, the owner "needs Indeed."  As the commercials insist on bleating, Indeed She Does.  But why does she need Indeed NOW, and not, say, two weeks ago when she found out that her shipping manager was quitting to "find herself?"  If that shipping manager didn't give any notice, well, sorry, but I'm 99 percent sure that's the Owner's fault- it sure doesn't suggest a strong employer-employee relationship.  And if she DID give plenty of notice- again, why hasn't the Owner signed up with Indeed to find a replacement worker drone before the shipping manager was walking off with a cliche'd box of Whatever She Had On Her Desk?  You're a terrible businesswoman, Very Important Business Owner.

All of these Indeed commercials are obnoxious, including the ones on the radio (which are 99 percent of the ones I actually hear.)  They all involve Full-of-themselves business owners who are overwhelmed with demand who sound frustrated that they can't get their limited staff to do more work so that the owners can keep more money.  They all involve these business owners promising more than they can deliver and then worrying about how they are going to fulfill eagerly-accepted contracts after the fact.  In other words, they all involve grasping, greedy business people who are humble-bragging about being so successful that they need to make their businesses bigger with more employees.  I don't care about any of them and I want them to stop with their faux whining already. 

Verizon, Kate McKinnon, and that existential question: WHY?

 

I don't believe for one minute that anyone would actually dump Verizon because of these horrible, obnoxious commercials featuring a ridiculously aggressive (oh, excuse me, "Quirky") Kate McKinnon dashing about pointing at people and their stupid phones when not jamming her face into the camera.  Nor do I believe for one minute that anyone would SWITCH to Verizon based on these stupid ads.  So I have to assume that someone at Verizon just decided that it would be fun to hand a woman who doesn't need the financial assistance a big pile of money to do a series of ads that basically result in a wash for the company's bottom line.  The only logical result of any of this is that Verizon's customers are irritated, Verizon's non-customers are irritated, and Kate McKinnon's bank account is even happier. 

As a Verizon customer who is not going to go through the bother of changing carriers, I'd like Verizon to at least know that I am going to continue to send them money only for that reason.  It's not an endorsement of this noxious stupidity.  I'd start writing that on every check from now on except I doubt anyone over there cares, and I pay my bill electronically anyway.  So I guess I'm just going to keep on being a voice in the wilderness here. 

This 7-11 Commercial is celebrating low expectations, I guess

 

What planet is this 7-11 on?  Every one I have ever been to features coffee in giant urns which may or may not have been cleaned since the Obama Administration (it's hard to tell from the taste) and which may or may not dispense actual HOT coffee which may or may not be actual coffee and not just coffee-flavored water.  Every one I have ever been to features "soda fountains" which dispense a little soda and a lot of water.  Every one has as it's only real selling point Relatively Cheap and Reasonably Fast.  Notice that you did not read the word "Quality" anywhere in that selling point.

Nothing about a visit to 7-11 has ever made me want to dance.  This would make slightly more sense if one of these kids was seen purchasing a scratch-off ticket (I forgot; this is another selling point of 7-11s: an almost infinite variety of perforated cardboard with pretty pictures on it you can purchase for anywhere from $4 to $20 each) and actually winning more money than the ticket cost.  But there's no hint of this anywhere.  They are just dancing around a 7-11 parking lot* because they bought lukewarm, watered-down coffee and watery soda?  Seriously?  

*which is devoid of cars.  In the middle of the day.  Another thing I don't associate with visiting any 7-11 I've ever seen. 

Checkers is out to punish Erin.

 

This monstrosity weighs in at more than 1400 calories, more than one-third of which come from FAT.   So if Erin "earned" this, she must have done something terribly, terribly wrong offscreen.

We know enough about the psychological and physical impact of fat-laden foods to realize that Erin is very likely to feel bloated and exhausted- if not downright depressed- after consuming this greasy pile of junk from Checker's.  So what "Mother Crunching" thing did you do to deserve this, Erin?  

That Capital One Commercial featuring the Levys

 

Eugene Levy is playing a Boomer here and he is, in fact, a Boomer, born at the very end of 1946.  

And that's where the Realism of this ad ends.

Eugene Levy is worth $20 million.  I really don't see him being all that concerned with the price of automobiles and, at 75, he's probably about as familiar with all the options that come with today's cars as a turtle is about 5G.  It would make about as much sense for his daughter to seek advice from that turtle about how to go about picking out a new car than it does about her asking a guy who was born during the Truman Administration.

Speaking of that daughter- that's a pretty substantial house she seems to be living in.  There's pretty solid evidence here that she kind of knows what she's doing.  She's thirty-five years old and she's living on her own.  She can probably manage to buy a freaking car.  Especially since she's Sarah Levy, a successful actor in her own right.  So really- this is kind of dumb.  Which, considering how I usually view commercials, is actually pretty high praise. 

And I honestly don't even know what Serena Williams is being used to sell here.

 

You'd think that maybe the second or third time this jackass treated his female friend like she's a mentally ill child who can't quite grasp the concept of being able to change channels using a remote that woman would simply get up and walk out, or at least tell him to Shut The F--k Up because this ability has existed since the 1980s at least.  Instead, she sits there with her mouth slightly open as if that's the orifice she takes in entertainment with, so maybe he just knows her well enough to realize that this really is the proper way to explain the concept to her.

So we get Serena Williams in a Wonder Woman outfit hitting tennis balls, because this is amusing to the YouTube mouth-breathers who may or may not be related to the woman in this ad.  She finds this astonishing, which, again...yeah, I take back my criticism of the way this guy talked to his female friend.  Tomorrow he'll be explaining to her how toast works. 

KFC: It's cheaper than a gun, after all...

 

Deep-fried chicken AND Macaroni and Cheese AND oily biscuits AND French Fries?  You got a serious death wish there, buddy!!

Eight pieces of chicken:  At least 2800 calories.

Macaroni and Cheese side:  560 calories.

4 biscuits:  720 calories.

French Fries:   800 calories.

Total= approximately 5000 calories.  Assuming that this "meal" is supposed to be for four people (and that's a very generous assumption) that's half a day's suggested requirement for an adult male in a single meal.  Never mind the sodium and cholesterol counts, which I'd look up except that I just finished seven and a half hours in a car to get back to the area from Thanksgiving break and I need a nap.  

And they forgot the corn bread!!