WynnBET, Ben Affleck, Shaquille O'Neal, and our modern Rake's Progress

 

This is the kind of commercial that makes me wish that well-known actors and sports figures would just stick to whoring for credit card companies, high-interest furniture rental, high-priced car insurance, and BS "Medicare" insurance coverage. 

Yeah, gambling is a "team sport," the "team" being your dependents who kind of count on you to be responsible with your hard-earned money because they kind of need it to keep a roof over their heads, food in their stomachs, and the heat on.  When you let multi-millionaires who are just picking up another paycheck (and keeping their faces in the public eye) talk you into feeding your gambling addiction, you are inevitably going to let your team down.  That is, you're going to lose a lot more than you win- the House doesn't get rich by losing money, stupid.

I imagine there's more than one App out there for people struggling with gambling addiction.  Maybe download that and leave WynnBET with it's awful manipulative ads which try to convince you that by betting on sporting events you become part of a "team" and therefore make your life more "fun."  You know, just like smoking and drinking hard liquor, except instead of eventually being bankrupted by cancer treatments or ending up in rehab as part of a court order after you kill someone with your car, you end up losing your home and your family because you broke their trust in you because you were too focused on having fun with that other "team."  

And it all started so innocently, didn't it?  Just download the App.  Make a few fun bets ("bet responsibly," remember.  Says so in tiny tiny letters at the bottom of the screen.)  Feel the dopamine rush when you win a few times.  Get angry at YOURSELF (not WynnBET) when you lose most of the time.  Engage in Sunk Cost Fallacy when you bet "just a little more."  Find yourself on this damn thing at least an hour a day instead of being with your actual friends and family.  Take out another credit card to use exclusively for your WynnBETTING because your wife is concerned and what she doesn't know won't hurt her.  Trash your credit score.  Get a letter from a divorce attorney explaining why you haven't seen your wife or kids for the past few days.  

I'm sure Affleck and O'Neal and will be there to help you pick up the pieces of your shattered life; they're your "team," after all.  If not, Fear Not- there's Caesar's Sportsbook ready to take your money when you're ready to start digging yourself out of that hole.

What planet does Rocket Mortgage operate out of?

 

I mean, can we get real for a second?  Unless this place is oddly located in downtown Detroit, surrounded by burned-out, condemned buildings currently occupied by a diverse mix of rats and meth labs, $275,000 is going to be about as helpful in buying it as a chip of ice is for someone lost in Death Valley.  

Come on, Rocket Mortgage.  Assuming that Americans are your target audience, could you at least try to make a commercial that suggests that it's taking place within the borders of the United States?  Nobody is pricing gigantic condominiums with 12-foot ceilings and ridiculously generous square footage- let alone houses- for $275,000 anywhere that also includes Jobs and a reasonable opportunity to walk to the mailbox without being mugged or shot on a daily basis.  Here in the real world, this couple shows the realtor that they have been approved for $275,000 and are told "great, just come up with a little more, and you'll have a decent down payment!"  That is, if they aren't just laughed out of there altogether. 

And no, I'm not even going to take on the "mascots" angle.  Because that's the most reality-based part of the whole damn ad.  I'd bet on suddenly being entertained by a group of idiots in mascot costumes over being able to buy this place for $275,000 every day of the week and twice on Sundays. 

That TD Ameritrade Airport Commercial

 

I'm so glad that these two disgusting, money-obsessed creeps will be able to spend how many hours they'll be in Business Class (with access to 120 channels of music and movies right in front of them on a screen that I suspect will be set on CNBC even though they plan to have their eyes glued to their stupid phones the entire trip) locked like zombies into their TDAmeritrade Apps now that their personal TD guy accompanied them to the airport (and sat with them in the Executive Suite Waiting Area) to show them how to download it.  Now all we need is a well-placed mountain parked in front of their plane, and everyone gets to enjoy a happy ending. 

Indeed I Don't

 

I'm guessing that the shipping manager isn't leaving to "find herself"- that's just a stupid-snarky, clueless take from a boss's perspective:  She was a good sales manager, but flaky as hell so one day she decided to just go quit on me and my Very Important Business Because She's Flaky As Hell along with being Disloyal to My Vision.  I'm guessing instead that the shipping manager is off to make more money doing something else, and her leaving could have been avoided if the owner of this Very Important Business was willing to part with a little more of her Very Important (and Hard-Earned) Money. 

Instead, the owner "needs Indeed."  As the commercials insist on bleating, Indeed She Does.  But why does she need Indeed NOW, and not, say, two weeks ago when she found out that her shipping manager was quitting to "find herself?"  If that shipping manager didn't give any notice, well, sorry, but I'm 99 percent sure that's the Owner's fault- it sure doesn't suggest a strong employer-employee relationship.  And if she DID give plenty of notice- again, why hasn't the Owner signed up with Indeed to find a replacement worker drone before the shipping manager was walking off with a cliche'd box of Whatever She Had On Her Desk?  You're a terrible businesswoman, Very Important Business Owner.

All of these Indeed commercials are obnoxious, including the ones on the radio (which are 99 percent of the ones I actually hear.)  They all involve Full-of-themselves business owners who are overwhelmed with demand who sound frustrated that they can't get their limited staff to do more work so that the owners can keep more money.  They all involve these business owners promising more than they can deliver and then worrying about how they are going to fulfill eagerly-accepted contracts after the fact.  In other words, they all involve grasping, greedy business people who are humble-bragging about being so successful that they need to make their businesses bigger with more employees.  I don't care about any of them and I want them to stop with their faux whining already. 

Verizon, Kate McKinnon, and that existential question: WHY?

 

I don't believe for one minute that anyone would actually dump Verizon because of these horrible, obnoxious commercials featuring a ridiculously aggressive (oh, excuse me, "Quirky") Kate McKinnon dashing about pointing at people and their stupid phones when not jamming her face into the camera.  Nor do I believe for one minute that anyone would SWITCH to Verizon based on these stupid ads.  So I have to assume that someone at Verizon just decided that it would be fun to hand a woman who doesn't need the financial assistance a big pile of money to do a series of ads that basically result in a wash for the company's bottom line.  The only logical result of any of this is that Verizon's customers are irritated, Verizon's non-customers are irritated, and Kate McKinnon's bank account is even happier. 

As a Verizon customer who is not going to go through the bother of changing carriers, I'd like Verizon to at least know that I am going to continue to send them money only for that reason.  It's not an endorsement of this noxious stupidity.  I'd start writing that on every check from now on except I doubt anyone over there cares, and I pay my bill electronically anyway.  So I guess I'm just going to keep on being a voice in the wilderness here. 

This 7-11 Commercial is celebrating low expectations, I guess

 

What planet is this 7-11 on?  Every one I have ever been to features coffee in giant urns which may or may not have been cleaned since the Obama Administration (it's hard to tell from the taste) and which may or may not dispense actual HOT coffee which may or may not be actual coffee and not just coffee-flavored water.  Every one I have ever been to features "soda fountains" which dispense a little soda and a lot of water.  Every one has as it's only real selling point Relatively Cheap and Reasonably Fast.  Notice that you did not read the word "Quality" anywhere in that selling point.

Nothing about a visit to 7-11 has ever made me want to dance.  This would make slightly more sense if one of these kids was seen purchasing a scratch-off ticket (I forgot; this is another selling point of 7-11s: an almost infinite variety of perforated cardboard with pretty pictures on it you can purchase for anywhere from $4 to $20 each) and actually winning more money than the ticket cost.  But there's no hint of this anywhere.  They are just dancing around a 7-11 parking lot* because they bought lukewarm, watered-down coffee and watery soda?  Seriously?  

*which is devoid of cars.  In the middle of the day.  Another thing I don't associate with visiting any 7-11 I've ever seen. 

Checkers is out to punish Erin.

 

This monstrosity weighs in at more than 1400 calories, more than one-third of which come from FAT.   So if Erin "earned" this, she must have done something terribly, terribly wrong offscreen.

We know enough about the psychological and physical impact of fat-laden foods to realize that Erin is very likely to feel bloated and exhausted- if not downright depressed- after consuming this greasy pile of junk from Checker's.  So what "Mother Crunching" thing did you do to deserve this, Erin?