SuperBeets: Bipartisan Snake-- Um, Powder

 

A lot of the YouTube comments following this ad focus on it's host- Fox News talking head and NRA enthusiast Dana Loesch, and how they would or would not buy any product she promoted.  And I totally get that- I mean, if I came across a MyPillow and thought it was the most comfortable thing I'd ever rested my head on I still wouldn't buy one.  But I have too much to say about the rest of the ad, and the product itself, to reach for the low-hanging fruit.  So- you are dismissed, Ms Loesch.

We hear the term "healthy energy" a couple of times in this commercial, and I seriously have no idea what that means.  In what way is energy "healthy" or "unhealthy?"  Having energy allows you to do things helpful OR harmful to your health.  So it's just a nonsense phrase.  We might as well hear the phrase "positive vibes," but I'm guessing that there wasn't enough money in the budget to convince Ms. Loesch to utter that level of hipster doofus woo.  Almost, but not quite.  So we get "healthy energy" instead.

This stuff is just powdered beet juice.  Beets are high in antioxidants.  They are good for you, especially if you want to reduce inflammation of the joints.  They are vegetables.  They are good for you.  Wait, I said that already.  But this doesn't mean they are "super foods" because there's no such thing.  They aren't a magic bullet to restore youthful energy (or even "healthy energy,") they won't accelerate brain function and they won't turn you from a couch potato to an Olympic athlete.  They are just beets. 

They won't do any harm, that's for sure.  But buying into "SuperBeets" will cause harm to your wallet- this junk is $40 per shipment, and each shipment is a "month's worth" (who determines how much you need per month? Why, this company of course) and to get that "special deal" you have to get a SUBSCRIPTION which sends a jar of powdered beets to your door every thirty days.  That's forty dollars you could spend on 6-8 three-pound bags of frozen fruit at the grocery store (like I do.)  For powdered beets.  Uh huh.

Fact is, this crap will do nothing for you that a balanced diet with lots of fruits and veggies, little or no processed sugar, and limited fats and carbs won't do much better.  And it'll even make it more likely that you get regular moderate exercise (probably because of the "healthy energy" you'll feel.)  And you won't have to go broke as part of the bargain.  A double win!

But who am I to disagree with Dana Loesch?  After all, SuperBeets are something both she and Thom Hartman shill for (I mean, Endorse Wholeheartedly Because They've Seen The Results Firsthand.)  If a Trumpist and a Bernie Bro agree, how could they be wrong?

How about "Diabetes EZ Pass?"

 

Or "Heart Attack Fuel?"

Or "Obesity Express Lane?"

Or "Afternoon at the Office Sleep Assist?"

Or "Roadblock to Universal Health Care/This is Why Americans Can't Have Nice Things?"

Or "Latest Contribution to the Problem?"

Any one of these would be more accurate than "Five Dollar Grande Crunch Up Meal," where the only accurate word is "Crunch," to describe this Unnecessary, Disgusting Carbohydrate and Fat Overload.*

*Hey, I just came up with another one!!

WynnBET, Ben Affleck, Shaquille O'Neal, and our modern Rake's Progress

 

This is the kind of commercial that makes me wish that well-known actors and sports figures would just stick to whoring for credit card companies, high-interest furniture rental, high-priced car insurance, and BS "Medicare" insurance coverage. 

Yeah, gambling is a "team sport," the "team" being your dependents who kind of count on you to be responsible with your hard-earned money because they kind of need it to keep a roof over their heads, food in their stomachs, and the heat on.  When you let multi-millionaires who are just picking up another paycheck (and keeping their faces in the public eye) talk you into feeding your gambling addiction, you are inevitably going to let your team down.  That is, you're going to lose a lot more than you win- the House doesn't get rich by losing money, stupid.

I imagine there's more than one App out there for people struggling with gambling addiction.  Maybe download that and leave WynnBET with it's awful manipulative ads which try to convince you that by betting on sporting events you become part of a "team" and therefore make your life more "fun."  You know, just like smoking and drinking hard liquor, except instead of eventually being bankrupted by cancer treatments or ending up in rehab as part of a court order after you kill someone with your car, you end up losing your home and your family because you broke their trust in you because you were too focused on having fun with that other "team."  

And it all started so innocently, didn't it?  Just download the App.  Make a few fun bets ("bet responsibly," remember.  Says so in tiny tiny letters at the bottom of the screen.)  Feel the dopamine rush when you win a few times.  Get angry at YOURSELF (not WynnBET) when you lose most of the time.  Engage in Sunk Cost Fallacy when you bet "just a little more."  Find yourself on this damn thing at least an hour a day instead of being with your actual friends and family.  Take out another credit card to use exclusively for your WynnBETTING because your wife is concerned and what she doesn't know won't hurt her.  Trash your credit score.  Get a letter from a divorce attorney explaining why you haven't seen your wife or kids for the past few days.  

I'm sure Affleck and O'Neal and will be there to help you pick up the pieces of your shattered life; they're your "team," after all.  If not, Fear Not- there's Caesar's Sportsbook ready to take your money when you're ready to start digging yourself out of that hole.

What planet does Rocket Mortgage operate out of?

 

I mean, can we get real for a second?  Unless this place is oddly located in downtown Detroit, surrounded by burned-out, condemned buildings currently occupied by a diverse mix of rats and meth labs, $275,000 is going to be about as helpful in buying it as a chip of ice is for someone lost in Death Valley.  

Come on, Rocket Mortgage.  Assuming that Americans are your target audience, could you at least try to make a commercial that suggests that it's taking place within the borders of the United States?  Nobody is pricing gigantic condominiums with 12-foot ceilings and ridiculously generous square footage- let alone houses- for $275,000 anywhere that also includes Jobs and a reasonable opportunity to walk to the mailbox without being mugged or shot on a daily basis.  Here in the real world, this couple shows the realtor that they have been approved for $275,000 and are told "great, just come up with a little more, and you'll have a decent down payment!"  That is, if they aren't just laughed out of there altogether. 

And no, I'm not even going to take on the "mascots" angle.  Because that's the most reality-based part of the whole damn ad.  I'd bet on suddenly being entertained by a group of idiots in mascot costumes over being able to buy this place for $275,000 every day of the week and twice on Sundays. 

That TD Ameritrade Airport Commercial

 

I'm so glad that these two disgusting, money-obsessed creeps will be able to spend how many hours they'll be in Business Class (with access to 120 channels of music and movies right in front of them on a screen that I suspect will be set on CNBC even though they plan to have their eyes glued to their stupid phones the entire trip) locked like zombies into their TDAmeritrade Apps now that their personal TD guy accompanied them to the airport (and sat with them in the Executive Suite Waiting Area) to show them how to download it.  Now all we need is a well-placed mountain parked in front of their plane, and everyone gets to enjoy a happy ending. 

Indeed I Don't

 

I'm guessing that the shipping manager isn't leaving to "find herself"- that's just a stupid-snarky, clueless take from a boss's perspective:  She was a good sales manager, but flaky as hell so one day she decided to just go quit on me and my Very Important Business Because She's Flaky As Hell along with being Disloyal to My Vision.  I'm guessing instead that the shipping manager is off to make more money doing something else, and her leaving could have been avoided if the owner of this Very Important Business was willing to part with a little more of her Very Important (and Hard-Earned) Money. 

Instead, the owner "needs Indeed."  As the commercials insist on bleating, Indeed She Does.  But why does she need Indeed NOW, and not, say, two weeks ago when she found out that her shipping manager was quitting to "find herself?"  If that shipping manager didn't give any notice, well, sorry, but I'm 99 percent sure that's the Owner's fault- it sure doesn't suggest a strong employer-employee relationship.  And if she DID give plenty of notice- again, why hasn't the Owner signed up with Indeed to find a replacement worker drone before the shipping manager was walking off with a cliche'd box of Whatever She Had On Her Desk?  You're a terrible businesswoman, Very Important Business Owner.

All of these Indeed commercials are obnoxious, including the ones on the radio (which are 99 percent of the ones I actually hear.)  They all involve Full-of-themselves business owners who are overwhelmed with demand who sound frustrated that they can't get their limited staff to do more work so that the owners can keep more money.  They all involve these business owners promising more than they can deliver and then worrying about how they are going to fulfill eagerly-accepted contracts after the fact.  In other words, they all involve grasping, greedy business people who are humble-bragging about being so successful that they need to make their businesses bigger with more employees.  I don't care about any of them and I want them to stop with their faux whining already. 

Verizon, Kate McKinnon, and that existential question: WHY?

 

I don't believe for one minute that anyone would actually dump Verizon because of these horrible, obnoxious commercials featuring a ridiculously aggressive (oh, excuse me, "Quirky") Kate McKinnon dashing about pointing at people and their stupid phones when not jamming her face into the camera.  Nor do I believe for one minute that anyone would SWITCH to Verizon based on these stupid ads.  So I have to assume that someone at Verizon just decided that it would be fun to hand a woman who doesn't need the financial assistance a big pile of money to do a series of ads that basically result in a wash for the company's bottom line.  The only logical result of any of this is that Verizon's customers are irritated, Verizon's non-customers are irritated, and Kate McKinnon's bank account is even happier. 

As a Verizon customer who is not going to go through the bother of changing carriers, I'd like Verizon to at least know that I am going to continue to send them money only for that reason.  It's not an endorsement of this noxious stupidity.  I'd start writing that on every check from now on except I doubt anyone over there cares, and I pay my bill electronically anyway.  So I guess I'm just going to keep on being a voice in the wilderness here.