"So much shopping to do for my family before Christmas, what do I buy everyone? Especially since there's so many people, and I want to buy something for myself too! What a dilemma!"
"Wait! I've got it! I'll buy everybody in my family EYEGLASSES and CONTACT LENSES! That's a GREAT IDEA! I mean, I remember how much they all appreciated those flu vaccines I got them for their birthdays, and when I treated them to new Corrective Shoes even though I had already bought them shoes several years ago for absolutely no reason!"
"I mean, what could make a better gift than something that will cut down on their headaches and their walking into things like walls and traffic and may even improve their school grades? What a great mom I am! Maybe next year I'll buy them all haircuts for Christmas- as long as I can do it and still have money to buy myself something, of course!"
Meanwhile, I'm guessing that this woman is spending Christmas 2021 wondering why her kids and grandchildren never visit anymore. Maybe it's the Omicron variant? No, wait- they haven't visited for a decade. Must be something else.
At the end of this ad we see that this little girl actually does have parents, and is not being raised by her grandmother who sleeps most of the day and leaves her to her own devices. I wasn't sure- until that last scene, it looks for all the world that this kid is completely unsupervised through the day, as she is able to haul wires and decorations outside and make an elaborate "landing strip" for the Lexus she wants for some inexplicable reason.*
And of course "it worked! It worked!" because luxury cars do happen to find their way to the driveways of rich people, don't they? In this case, the Lexus apparently came with a price, though, since the "landing strip" has completely vanished overnight, replaced by this ridiculous car and a giant bow.
And now that this little girl thinks she can manipulate Santa into dropping very expensive items into her yard, what's coming up next year? I'm assuming she won't be using this awesome power to summon a cure for grandma's Alzheimer's, or an end to COVID, or anything super-selfish like that. Especially when she gets a look at the 2023 Audis.
*maybe she heard Mommy tell Daddy that she's leaving him right after the holidays unless he buys her a Lexus?
A lot of the YouTube comments following this ad focus on it's host- Fox News talking head and NRA enthusiast Dana Loesch, and how they would or would not buy any product she promoted. And I totally get that- I mean, if I came across a MyPillow and thought it was the most comfortable thing I'd ever rested my head on I still wouldn't buy one. But I have too much to say about the rest of the ad, and the product itself, to reach for the low-hanging fruit. So- you are dismissed, Ms Loesch.
We hear the term "healthy energy" a couple of times in this commercial, and I seriously have no idea what that means. In what way is energy "healthy" or "unhealthy?" Having energy allows you to do things helpful OR harmful to your health. So it's just a nonsense phrase. We might as well hear the phrase "positive vibes," but I'm guessing that there wasn't enough money in the budget to convince Ms. Loesch to utter that level of hipster doofus woo. Almost, but not quite. So we get "healthy energy" instead.
This stuff is just powdered beet juice. Beets are high in antioxidants. They are good for you, especially if you want to reduce inflammation of the joints. They are vegetables. They are good for you. Wait, I said that already. But this doesn't mean they are "super foods" because there's no such thing. They aren't a magic bullet to restore youthful energy (or even "healthy energy,") they won't accelerate brain function and they won't turn you from a couch potato to an Olympic athlete. They are just beets.
They won't do any harm, that's for sure. But buying into "SuperBeets" will cause harm to your wallet- this junk is $40 per shipment, and each shipment is a "month's worth" (who determines how much you need per month? Why, this company of course) and to get that "special deal" you have to get a SUBSCRIPTION which sends a jar of powdered beets to your door every thirty days. That's forty dollars you could spend on 6-8 three-pound bags of frozen fruit at the grocery store (like I do.) For powdered beets. Uh huh.
Fact is, this crap will do nothing for you that a balanced diet with lots of fruits and veggies, little or no processed sugar, and limited fats and carbs won't do much better. And it'll even make it more likely that you get regular moderate exercise (probably because of the "healthy energy" you'll feel.) And you won't have to go broke as part of the bargain. A double win!
But who am I to disagree with Dana Loesch? After all, SuperBeets are something both she and Thom Hartman shill for (I mean, Endorse Wholeheartedly Because They've Seen The Results Firsthand.) If a Trumpist and a Bernie Bro agree, how could they be wrong?
Or "Roadblock to Universal Health Care/This is Why Americans Can't Have Nice Things?"
Or "Latest Contribution to the Problem?"
Any one of these would be more accurate than "Five Dollar Grande Crunch Up Meal," where the only accurate word is "Crunch," to describe this Unnecessary, Disgusting Carbohydrate and Fat Overload.*
This is the kind of commercial that makes me wish that well-known actors and sports figures would just stick to whoring for credit card companies, high-interest furniture rental, high-priced car insurance, and BS "Medicare" insurance coverage.
Yeah, gambling is a "team sport," the "team" being your dependents who kind of count on you to be responsible with your hard-earned money because they kind of need it to keep a roof over their heads, food in their stomachs, and the heat on. When you let multi-millionaires who are just picking up another paycheck (and keeping their faces in the public eye) talk you into feeding your gambling addiction, you are inevitably going to let your team down. That is, you're going to lose a lot more than you win- the House doesn't get rich by losing money, stupid.
I imagine there's more than one App out there for people struggling with gambling addiction. Maybe download that and leave WynnBET with it's awful manipulative ads which try to convince you that by betting on sporting events you become part of a "team" and therefore make your life more "fun." You know, just like smoking and drinking hard liquor, except instead of eventually being bankrupted by cancer treatments or ending up in rehab as part of a court order after you kill someone with your car, you end up losing your home and your family because you broke their trust in you because you were too focused on having fun with that other "team."
And it all started so innocently, didn't it? Just download the App. Make a few fun bets ("bet responsibly," remember. Says so in tiny tiny letters at the bottom of the screen.) Feel the dopamine rush when you win a few times. Get angry at YOURSELF (not WynnBET) when you lose most of the time. Engage in Sunk Cost Fallacy when you bet "just a little more." Find yourself on this damn thing at least an hour a day instead of being with your actual friends and family. Take out another credit card to use exclusively for your WynnBETTING because your wife is concerned and what she doesn't know won't hurt her. Trash your credit score. Get a letter from a divorce attorney explaining why you haven't seen your wife or kids for the past few days.
I'm sure Affleck and O'Neal and will be there to help you pick up the pieces of your shattered life; they're your "team," after all. If not, Fear Not- there's Caesar's Sportsbook ready to take your money when you're ready to start digging yourself out of that hole.
I mean, can we get real for a second? Unless this place is oddly located in downtown Detroit, surrounded by burned-out, condemned buildings currently occupied by a diverse mix of rats and meth labs, $275,000 is going to be about as helpful in buying it as a chip of ice is for someone lost in Death Valley.
Come on, Rocket Mortgage. Assuming that Americans are your target audience, could you at least try to make a commercial that suggests that it's taking place within the borders of the United States? Nobody is pricing gigantic condominiums with 12-foot ceilings and ridiculously generous square footage- let alone houses- for $275,000 anywhere that also includes Jobs and a reasonable opportunity to walk to the mailbox without being mugged or shot on a daily basis. Here in the real world, this couple shows the realtor that they have been approved for $275,000 and are told "great, just come up with a little more, and you'll have a decent down payment!" That is, if they aren't just laughed out of there altogether.
And no, I'm not even going to take on the "mascots" angle. Because that's the most reality-based part of the whole damn ad. I'd bet on suddenly being entertained by a group of idiots in mascot costumes over being able to buy this place for $275,000 every day of the week and twice on Sundays.
I'm so glad that these two disgusting, money-obsessed creeps will be able to spend how many hours they'll be in Business Class (with access to 120 channels of music and movies right in front of them on a screen that I suspect will be set on CNBC even though they plan to have their eyes glued to their stupid phones the entire trip) locked like zombies into their TDAmeritrade Apps now that their personal TD guy accompanied them to the airport (and sat with them in the Executive Suite Waiting Area) to show them how to download it. Now all we need is a well-placed mountain parked in front of their plane, and everyone gets to enjoy a happy ending.
