Let's start the year with this dumb AT&T "lollipop" ad, shall we?

 

It's actually pretty impressive that this commercial features more than one customer in an AT&T store- we can clearly see another sales monkey providing service to another customer in the blurry background- making this instantly one of the more realistic AT&T ads I've seen in years.  

Ok, enough with the positive notes.  Now on to the rest of this stupid commercial:

What Lily is explaining is reasonable enough to someone who just wants to be sold a product after pretending to be convinced; she responds to "but isn't everyone offering the best package" with "they SAY they are, but those packages aren't really the BEST."  It's a done deal at that point- it's pretty obvious that this awful couple with a pair of awful children didn't walk unmasked* into an AT&T store to compare deals and were just doing the absolute bare minimum of "research" before handing over their credit card.  But then Lily decides to be a condescending idiot by giving a "demonstration" which "explains" the difference between a GOOD deal and a REALLY GOOD deal, I guess because she thinks she's selling these phones to those kids and not their parents.   And it's not dumb enough that the kids are swayed with big lollipops handed out by a total stranger; Dad wants one too.  Because that's the punchline.  Because nobody doesn't know Funny like AT&T.

*In all of the other AT&T ads I've seen in the past two years, we've been shown one customer and one or maybe two AT&T sales monkeys explaining deals to him/her.  Sometimes they've been wearing masks, but for most of 2020 we didn't even see that.  Now we've got multiple customers and salespeople and no masks.  I guess AT&T is bored with Reality and ready to move on.  Maybe that company really does have the pulse of America. 

What's in my wallet? The last Commercial Curmudgeon post of 2021, that's what!

 

1.  As far as I'm concerned, there are two very obvious signs that the middle class is sinking in financial security and that this situation is becoming the New Normal.  The first sign is the rapidly growing popularity Online Betting "Services" becoming standardized by full-length commercials featuring well-known stars of television, music and film.  The second is a succession of "get paid two days early" ads like this one.  If getting your hands on your paycheck 48 hours earlier than usual is this important to you, you've got problems that a bank simply won't solve, people, and maybe you should give that some consideration.

2.  The "first gift" this spoiled rotten little girl is going to "open" doesn't need to be "opened" at all.  It's a freaking pony.  Who the hell thought it was a good idea to "gift-wrap" it?  When was this done, and how was the pony hidden before the party?  Where is this pony going to live- it looks like this house is in the suburbs?  How do those other kids feel about the gifts they brought basically being dirt underneath this girl's shoe at this point?  Seriously, Capital One, what the actual hell?

Wendy's asks us to choose...um..."wisely?"

 

Probably not a great idea for this guy to spend so much time thinking about what a horrible shambles his life has become, considering that he's so disgusted with the lack of quality in the greasy mcmuffin-something he picked up on the way to work that he's sitting in the parking lot at work contemplating it before attempting to toss it out the opposite window.  For one thing, he'd have to wonder why he didn't act like any other inconsiderate idiot on the planet and just toss it out the window next to him instead of attempting to heave it across to the passenger side.  For another, he'd have to consider the fact that he had ample time to make himself a nutritious breakfast at home instead of asking some kid trying to save money for college to throw together a clump of warm soggy carbohydrates and fat while you waited in the drive-thru instead.  I mean, you aren't being especially productive at the moment, are you?

On the other hand, one could argue that this guy is doing all right if he can put off going to work long enough to dissect his 7-11 microwaved sandwich thing, throw it away, and then cart his expanding butt off to Wendy's to get TWO slightly more appetizing diabetes enablers thrown together by a different teenager trying to save for college.  Seriously, this guy's got nothing but time on his hands.  Brings me back to that original thought about maybe just making breakfast at home?  Sure would make a good New Year's Resolution, now that the gyms are in the process of closing again. 

No, Celebrity Cruises, it really isn't actually....

 

Yeah, I get that people are anxious to get back to vacationing.  I have been waiting to go on a paid-for trip to Croatia since June 2020.  So while I will never understand the attraction of traveling via floating hotel/casino/restaurant, I totally get the idea of doing something other than Staying At Home.  

But a cruise ship where you're basically trapped with hundreds of other people for days at a time as you all crawl from one tourist destination to another while COVID is still rampant...no, not at all.  I've never wanted to get away THAT badly.  Cruises have always looked like a colossal bore anyway.  A colossal bore which includes denied entry into included destinations, the possibility of serious illness and quarantine, all for much, much more than I'll pay for air travel and hotels on any of my trips to Europe.  Oh but I don't get the casinos and the big pools which I'd miss if I ever wanted to just hang out in a giant hotel with a bunch of mostly old (I don't care what they show in these ads, the average cruise ship passenger is a wealthy 50-year old white guy) tourists who are on cruises because God Knows Why- they can't find their preferred strain of COVID in their home suburbs, or what?

Duracell thinks this is funny?

 

If I have to spend any time at all explaining why this is a horrible commercial demonstrating horrible parenting of a horrible brat created by that horrible parenting, I just give up on my audience.  Seriously, people, figure it out.

Meanwhile, I will agree with one YouTube commentator who points out that this ad is basically condemning the standard (and still available for sale) version of this product as inferior, downright sanity-threatening garbage when the stakes are really, really high (and when the loss of battery power will result in your daughter throwing an unholy fit and thrashing about like she's been bitten by a rabid dog, the stakes are really, really high.)  I really hope that this dad is driving this daughter to a therapist or to the adoption agency so that her care can be taken up by competent adults who don't want to inflict another horrible, uncontrollable brat upon the world.  Because this...this is just awful.

This vintage Carnation Instant Breakfast commercial is a Triumvirate of Wrong.

 

1.  You're gonna love it for an instant.  Then the taste is going to catch up to you and you're going to be wondering why you didn't wake up 20 minutes earlier so you'd have time to make yourself a decent breakfast.  Or why you didn't wake up 2 minutes earlier so you could sit down and have a bowl of cereal.

2.  You're gonna be full for an instant (maybe.)  Then you're going to be really hungry and finding yourself pulling into the McDonald's drive-thru on the way to the office and wondering why you bothered to rush off to work if you're just going to waste time buying breakfast on the way anyway. 

3.  You're gonna be spilling that glass of chocolate milk all over you in an instant.  Seriously, buddy, cup holders were not really made to hold large glasses.   You think you're getting to work without it all over your suit?  And when that happens, you think you won't be reminding yourself that if you had just set the alarm for 2 minutes earlier you could have just consumed that stuff in your kitchen and left the glass in the sink?  That would have spared you looking like a disorganized idiot to the rest of the guys in the office AND a large dry cleaning bill.  

Walmart: There's no Halfway. This Christmas, Go Full Stupid.

 

No matter what else you do this holiday season, don't forget to constantly jam your ugly mug into your phone while you prance around and make a total ass of yourself for posterity (don't remind yourself that once it's on the web, it's Forever.)  Never put down your phone because if you do, you might miss a "moment" that needs to be captured on your phone and shared and (probably) never revisited or thought about ever, ever again.  (Remember that moments are to be Captured and Shared, never Experienced or Enjoyed!)