Tom Brady wont' be there to bail you out when the bubble bursts, Crypto-Idiots!

 

The radio version of these stupid Crypto Scam ads starts with "everyone is getting into crypto!  Are you?" which makes negative sense to even ask; if "everyone" is getting into crypto, doesn't that mean that I'm getting into crypto By Definition?  Or is that ad actually asking me if I am not part of the set of people which includes "everyone?"

In this particular commercial we are told that Tom Brady and his wife- sitting in one of their ridiculous palaces, with more money than they could possibly spend- are "in" on putting a sliver of their vast fortune into an imaginary non-asset whose value is entirely built on hype well mixed with confusion and greed.  Which is just fine for Tom Brady, who won't even notice the next time Bitcoin drops from $50000 per unit to $30000 because Elon Musk accidentally drops a truth bomb on late-night TV, but might be a bit more impactful for one of the millions of stupid knobs who move their retirement funds into something they can't even begin to comprehend because a quarterback who owns multiple vacation homes and is married to a supermodel sort-of endorsed it in a commercial once. 

I'm not "in."  I will never be "in" until there's some semblance of regulation connected to this crypto-stupidity.  But then, what do I know about investing?  I probably would have missed out on that awesome tulip deal back in the 1630s, too. 

Chevy Silverado plays the Helicopter Dad Trope. Because we can't ever get enough of that, can we?

 

So this guy was willing to invite his daughter's boyfriend on their little trip to the Great Outdoors, but considers holding hands in the back seat "funny business?"  Jeeeeesus, buddy- you guys Jehovah's Witnesses or what?  If you are so worried about this kid that you need to use half a dozen cameras (none of which show the back seat, interestingly enough, making pointing out that you have these cameras kind of a moot point) why did you invite him along?  You DO know that this boy is your daughter's BOYFRIEND and not her BROTHER, right? 

I also notice that Mom seems to have no problem with with what is "going on" in the back seat.  See, that's because Mom is Totally Cool and sees her daughter as a daughter and not a possession, like Dads do.  As the cool kids say nowadays, this is so cringe. 

Jamie Foxx: From Oscar Winner to Addiction Enabler?

 

Way back in 2004, Jamie Foxx won an Oscar for his portrayal of the inexplicably overrated Ray Charles in the equally inexplicably overrated film Ray.   In the 17 years since that breakout performance, Foxx has starred in twenty-nine films- most of dubious quality, but many of which have been box-office smashes and combined have brought well over $2 billion in revenue, has made multiple television appearances besides this commercial, and has his own programming on Sirius/XM radio.  His net worth is currently estimated at $150 million.  

And here he is, hamming it up for a gambling app designed to make it effortless for its users to spark  and grow a gambling addiction which in 99 percent of its "customers" will lead to far more financial distress than growth.   Because someone handed him another fistful of money to throw on the already-massive pile, and Mr. Foxx clearly doesn't give a damn who suffers because they bought in to this con.

Nobody would praise MGM if it was promoting a meth addiction, but far more people lose their livelihoods every year to a gambling addiction than will ever even TRY meth.  Go to hell, MGM, and please take Jamie Foxx with you.  And btw I'd like to apologize to Shaquille O'Neal, Joe Namath, JJ Walker, George Foreman and all the other Anything For A Buck spokeschoads who lent their names to soulless hucksters, because you are all saints compared to Jamie Foxx, Ben Affleck, and anyone else who rents out their name to pitch this life-destroying crap. 

SoFi is So 21st Century America, it's almost scary

 

Sigh.

Seriously, there are so many of these stupid "dance because you can pretend to not be living on the margins of poverty" ads for the SoFi banking app, I might end up doing an entire series on them. 

Look what these people are flipping out over:  

1.  Getting their paycheck two days earlier than when they were just using their regular banking system.  Who celebrates something like this by cavorting around?  I'll tell you who:  Someone who is living paycheck to paycheck and who goes through the stress of wondering if that paycheck is going to hit their bank account before the bills do every two weeks.  

2.  Moving all of their debts to one place, Part I:  know who celebrates something like this by spinning in place and throwing their arms into the air in triumph?  I'll tell you who:  People who have so MANY bills that they spend one evening every two weeks struggling to figure out which one to pay off and which ones to pay the minimum on.  OR, struggling to figure out which ones to pay the minimum on and which ones to take a penalty for non-payment on, dinging up that already-practically-totaled credit score just a little bit more.

3.  Moving all of their debts to one place, Part II (AKA Getting a Debt Consolidation Agreement-it's a LOAN, but SoFi doesn't call it that.)  Know who reacts to being approved for a Robbing Peter to Pay Paul shell game like this by prancing around like a moron who has lost all his self-respect and (worse) wants everyone to know it?  I'll tell you who:  People who have given up living within their means and who think that writing one check for $500 per month is better than writing 11 checks totaling $490 per month because psychologically it feels like less money, and they are all about the Feels, which is why they can't manage their expenses/wants in the first place. 

SoFi is pretty much the inevitable result of the consumer culture the Boomers passed on to their children and grandchildren.  That I don't care about the plight of the idiots who use it is pretty much the inevitable result of this Boomer reaching middle age.  

 

One of those "Do It For Me" Vaccine Conversation Ads

 

Ok, I don't really want to be too critical of these ads because the heart is definitely in the right place, though I am infuriated at the idea that we need to have calm, quiet conversations to assure people that taking a vaccine that has saved millions of lives from a disease which has killed millions more is, in fact, the "right decision for me."

Here we've got a woman who is concerned about her ability to have a baby in the future.  Could the vaccine possibly effect that?  She's "heard things" that have left her confused and worried about this issue.  Not from doctors, you can be sure- but still, she's "heard things."  And here's an actual doctor to assure her that the fears she's picked up from her tag team of medical experts, Dr. Google, Dr. Tiktok and Dr. Facebook, are misplaced and that the vaccine is, in fact, safe.  

Since this "concerned" woman is pretty fixated on the reproduction issue, the nice doctor might remind her that while the vaccine will not threaten her ability to safely give birth to a healthy child, there are two other factors that may very well do so.  One is getting COVID.  The second is being morbidly obese.  (I'm sorry, but this young woman must have a BMI of at least forty.  She clearly wants to have kids.  She clearly wants to have a safe, healthy pregnancy and- I presume- to be active in the lives of her offspring.  Yes, get the vaccine.  But also, get moving and eating properly, for chrissakes.  Seriously.)

State Farm appreciates Aaron Rodgers more than Good Neighbors, or Social Responsibility

 

It started with him failing to run in what would have been a go-ahead score in the NFC title game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, instead throwing an incomplete pass rather than risk a collision.  

A few moments later, the Packers settled for a field goal which left their defense forced to rely on a stoppage of Tom Brady with two minutes left in the game.  That turned out the way it normally does; Brady got the Bucs a first down and ran out the clock.

A few minutes after that, Rodgers decided to stab his coach in the back by blaming him for the decision to take the field goal instead of going for  the touchdown from inside the 10-yard line on fourth and goal.  Because Rodgers can't veto his coach.  Of course he can't.  Uh huh.

For a few months after that, Rodgers told pretty much everyone he could find that he wanted out of Green Bay.  I mean, the guy spent all spring and a good deal of the summer whining about wanting his walking papers.  He trashed his coach, his team, and did pretty much everything except get himself a COVID shot leading into the NFL preseason.

Then he showed up in a Green Bay uniform and lead his team to one of it's best seasons of the 21st century.  And contracted COVID, and then announced he was unvaccinated after spending months telling everyone that he "had immunity"- you know, like any unmasked moron in the McDonald's Drive-Thru screaming at the cashier would do.  His "personal decision" put his family, his teammates, and pretty much everyone else he came into contact with at risk, but I guess that's why they call it Freedom.

And during all of this, State Farm didn't blink an eye.  Here's Aaron Rodgers doing his usual schtick for them, yukking it up with his grinning brown-nosing stalker Jake basically doing another audition to be the next full-time host of Jeopardy.  No masks to be seen.  Come to think of it, "Nothing to See Here" might as well be State Farm's motto.  Sure fits better than "Like a Good Neighbor"- for both State Farm AND Aaron Rodgers.

Let's start the year with this dumb AT&T "lollipop" ad, shall we?

 

It's actually pretty impressive that this commercial features more than one customer in an AT&T store- we can clearly see another sales monkey providing service to another customer in the blurry background- making this instantly one of the more realistic AT&T ads I've seen in years.  

Ok, enough with the positive notes.  Now on to the rest of this stupid commercial:

What Lily is explaining is reasonable enough to someone who just wants to be sold a product after pretending to be convinced; she responds to "but isn't everyone offering the best package" with "they SAY they are, but those packages aren't really the BEST."  It's a done deal at that point- it's pretty obvious that this awful couple with a pair of awful children didn't walk unmasked* into an AT&T store to compare deals and were just doing the absolute bare minimum of "research" before handing over their credit card.  But then Lily decides to be a condescending idiot by giving a "demonstration" which "explains" the difference between a GOOD deal and a REALLY GOOD deal, I guess because she thinks she's selling these phones to those kids and not their parents.   And it's not dumb enough that the kids are swayed with big lollipops handed out by a total stranger; Dad wants one too.  Because that's the punchline.  Because nobody doesn't know Funny like AT&T.

*In all of the other AT&T ads I've seen in the past two years, we've been shown one customer and one or maybe two AT&T sales monkeys explaining deals to him/her.  Sometimes they've been wearing masks, but for most of 2020 we didn't even see that.  Now we've got multiple customers and salespeople and no masks.  I guess AT&T is bored with Reality and ready to move on.  Maybe that company really does have the pulse of America.