You know what I'm talking about- that Dead Zone between Christmas/New Year's and Easter where there's no legitimate reason to buy shiny pieces of rock or candy so Capitalism hits us over the head with the Second-Biggest Guilt Trip Holiday (the biggest being Mother's Day) of the year, Valentine's Day. Smack dab in the middle of the dreariest, coldest month, it's just wedged in there to remind us that if we are part of a couple, it's time to start spending, and if we aren't part of a couple, there's Something Wrong With Us Losers.
In the first scene of this chapter of It Never Ever Ends Does It? we are reminded that if you want her to say Yes, be sure to give her something that glitters and do it while standing next to a cliff. Wait a few dates so you have a good idea of how much she costs, because that Token that Says She's Taken is a big enough waste of money without going overboard. And if there's no cliff around, do the buying asking in front of an audience in some loud, ostentatious way that pretty much guarantees the "right" answer.
Then go out and buy some chocolate, too. Gotta keep the economy afloat until April.
1. Does this woman's boyfriend have any tact at all? First of all, she's well aware that she drives a hybrid- it's her car, after all. Second, it's not his job to judge a gift given to her by her parents. What is the matter with you, you idiot?
2. Why is he so obsessed with her needing gas? Who acts like this? She's the driver of her own car. She can keep track of when she needs gas.
3. Who re-gifts to the same person who originally gave the gift? Like the dad isn't going to notice it's the exact same gift card? And Stupid Boyfriend is at it again, ready to say "hey, isn't that the same card he gave you?" before she shuts him up.
4. She drives a Hybrid. Which means- her car uses gas. So she buys gas. Why doesn't she want that gas card?
For those of you who aren't aware- lucky you- "Escape Room" is a (likely endless) series of films that function, in the words of one of my favorite reviewers, as "Saw for Babies." In other words, Violence Porn for the PG-13 set. Because you're never to young to start reveling in the agony of complete strangers for the benefit of the viewing audience, I guess.
Here's why I find films like this especially insulting, and why I would never actually pay money to see any film of this depressingly popular genre (besides the fact that I find no entertainment in watching terrified people struggling to survive for five minutes, let alone ninety:) they break what used to be a pretty standard and completely fair contract between movie studios and movie-goers. The idea is that a film is supposed to tell a complete story: It would have a beginning, in which characters are introduced, a storyline that included rising tension, and a satisfying resolution. Way too many films these days- especially films like Saw, Escape Room, and any number of slasher films- break this contract with the innocent moviegoer who put down his money to watch such a story. In short, they don't actually end with anything more than a "it's not over, bring your money back next year to see the next chapter" slap in the face.
This is ok if the film is based on a book series, and the people watching are well aware that they are watching one chapter in a series. That's the contract they signed up for when they put down the money. But unless a film is advertised in advance as a "Chapter" of a book that will eventually come to a satisfying conclusion, ending on a "stay tuned" note feels like a mugging.
And why am I picking on Escape Room? Because a "sequel" was released recently, and like the first film ends on a cliffhanger. And here's where my blood really gets up- if you go to the Wikipedia page for the second film, the director reveals that there will be a third film "IF the box office allows for it." In other words, there's no storyline being followed. There's no conclusion being built toward. If the fans of the first two films want to stay invested in this series to find out "what happens," (you know, like the fans of the Halloween film series have been waiting 44 years to find out,) well, they better hope that the second film made enough money to finance a third. But they'd better realize that they are already doomed to repeat the past- if a third Escape Room film is released, and they think it's going to wrap up the series, they have no business being upset when it also ends on a cliffhanger. The series will never end- it will will just die out when one of the films is not profitable enough to justify another chapter. If you are a fan of Escape Room, you might as well just admit that you are in a trap of your own making and there is no escape for you, because Hollywood long ago figured out that telling a good story with a satisfying conclusion isn't as profitable as telling a series of stories (or, more accurately, the same story over and over again) with no wrap-up before the end credits.
My solution to the problem is beautiful in it's simplicity: If you go to see Escape Room: Tournament of Champions, leave the theater ten minutes before the ending. There. You've seen the wrap-up and you can now get on with your lives. Don't wait for the blatantly obvious to Everyone On The Planet Who Has Ever Been To One Of These Films "Twist." Just leave, and get on with your lives, and assume that Escape Room 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8 are just remakes of the first movie (which, in fact, they are anyway.)
This obese doofus has a Suburban McMansion in the fabulous housing development on the very best street in Whitebreadborough USA, where he lives with his cookie cutter wife and cookie cutter 2.1 children when he isn't at his Standard Office Job selling Standard Office crap to Standard Fellow White Nobodies for 40 years or so until he retires to Tampa or Phoenix. In the meantime, he's going to take pride in having a f--king tailgate that expands to provide more room to do stuff on because he's actually been dead for years and has absolutely nothing of interest going on in his life and there's only so many times a week he can hop on his $4000 riding mower and spend 45 seconds mowing his postage stamp-sized lawn.
No hate, buddy, but seriously: if you find yourself "flexing" with something like this, it's time to call it a day. Go back inside to your Man Cave and watch tv on your 70-inch screen and if you're very, very lucky a nice little heart attack will come out of nowhere to rescue you from your non-life. You're welcome.
"Influencers" and "Bloggers" are outraged. So are pathetic trailer trash addicted to low prices on junk which have conned them into believing that they are financially stable. Trash which thinks it has some kind of god-given right to rock-bottom-priced garbage Because Reasons ("America," most likely.)
The rest of us are just getting on with our lives because other than having to drive past them, we have nothing to do with this dirty, smelly stores, their down-on-their-luck employees, and the sad, depressingly fertile trolls wandering their aisles looking for lead-infused toys and lemon snack pies.
Because the dumpster fire of rank Stupid that is TikTok certainly deserves it's own radio channel, doesn't it? I mean, how else can you keep up with the wall of noise only "influencers" and other talentless mouth-breathers can provide during those few minutes every day you can't be on your phone because of lame Boomer Traffic Laws?
Look, I know this channel wasn't created for me. And I know that all I have to do is not tune in (and believe me, I won't.) But that's not going to spare me from the endless commercials for this auditory toxic waste dump (being scheduled on the SiriusXM Classic Radio channel, of all things. As if the average customer for TikTok Radio is an elderly white female.)
(Full Disclosure: I have been a highly satisfied TurboTax customer for close to twenty years now. On average I can complete my forms and send them out electronically, with Direct Deposit selected to receive my refund, inside of 30 minutes. It really helps when you don't own anything.)
TurboTax is FREE. It's FREE. It's FREE. Unless, of course, you want to file electronically, or you want to file your State form along with your Federal form, or if you want any guarantee of accuracy from TurboTax, or if you want to use Direct Deposit to get your refund. If you don't care about any of that, then yes, there is a version of TurboTax that is FREE. Do I have to add that I really, really don't recommend that version AT ALL?
It costs me about $100 to file both State and Federal taxes with TurboTax, and I have never had an issue with the IRS, and I've received my refund very quickly- once, only three days after official Approval. So again, I have ZERO problem with TurboTax itself. But these "do it for free" ads which pop up every. Single. January. are not particularly honest. Simply put, you get what you pay for. And when it comes to something like taxes, it's worth a small investment to do it right.
