The Rise and Fall of Peloton

 

No pun intended, but what an odd ride it's been!

Peloton- the Exercise Bike for the 1 percent- seemed to come along at the absolute perfect time (seriously, we ought to investigate this company to see if it had anything to do with the actual development of COVID-19.)  A pandemic sweeps the planet.  Millions of people are forced into lockdowns or at least voluntarily shift to Virtual Attendance at work- and most of those people now working from home are at least Upper Middle Class.  Millions see their gyms shuttered and locked and become concerned that hours in front of their computers will lead to sagging stomachs and expanding waistlines.  

Suddenly, here's a very pricey exercise bike which streams live spinning classes to simulate the experience of being on the floor of the basketball court where your fairly wealthy friends used to gather to sweat a few times a week.  It's easy to order, easy to set up in your huge living room, and fun to use- and the $2000 price tag and monthly fee for the "classes" is of no concern to you because you haven't missed a single day of work- in fact, other than being able to sleep a little later and keeping the Audi in the garage, you really haven't experienced any effects from the pandemic at all (no negative ones, anyway.)

As if things weren't going well enough for Peloton, they even managed to create an "accidentally" (?) controversial ad featuring a terrified-looking, rail-thin trophy wife desperately taking advantage of her husband's "thoughtful gift" of a Peloton bike to get up at 4 AM and sweat off half a pound or so before tending to the kids and hubby (who presumably aren't going anywhere anyway, seriously WTF?) which went viral, creating a wave of free advertising for a company that was already doing extremely well.  Hell, that ad even got parodied on SNL, which is the absolute Gold Standard for commercials.

In our winter of despair, there seemed to be no limit as to how big Peloton could get.  On December 21, 2020 stock in the company hit $162 per share, up from $25 at the time of it's initial public offering.  

And then...the day came that the board of directors over at Peloton, INC must have dreaded:  The vaccines began to hit the pharmacies.  Delta subsided.  Gyms began to reopen.  A momentary surge of optimism in the board room when Omicron was detected, but within weeks after that it was clear that the party was over.  "Back to Normal" was nothing but bad news for the Exercise from Home market and for Exercise from Home using this Ridiculously Overpriced Toy market.  Like the tulips and the .com businesses and the real estate that came before, the Peloton bubble was bursting.  

Yesterday, Peloton stock closed at $24.60 a share.  There are stories this morning that the company may be on the verge of bankruptcy.  I still see plenty of commercials for the bike on my television during football games and (especially) while watching CNBC, a channel geared toward that golden Upper Middle Class with disposable income I'd like to join someday before I die.  But the bloom is most definitely off the rose.  It's been a wild ride, Peloton.  Hope your CEOs invested their money into something more solid and less susceptible to sudden changes in the economic environment.  You know, like crypto currency- that's a bubble that will NEVER burst.  And I especially hope that the Terrified Trophy Wife Actress can still find gigs.  She's really cute. 

Keep going to Sonic; you'll be toast soon enough

 

Not much more to add about this awful Sonic commercial (pardon the redundancy.)  Two morbidly obese people yakking about the fatty cheese-and-grease-infused trash they are eating as they sit in their car because where else are you going to find the perfect atmosphere for consuming warm garbage?

The woman would "love" to "be toast" because "then I'd be delicious."  And believe it or not, that's the punchline.  That's it.  Why should I put more effort into my commentary on this ad than the people who got paid put in to writing it?  "I'd be delicious?"  What the hell?

Dunkin Donuts helps turn you into a pumpkin, one cup of sugar at a time.

 

I watched this with the sound off, so I'm just wondering:  was the word "coffee" uttered at any point during its runtime?  Because I'm pretty sure I remember Dunkin Donuts making and selling coffee.  And I don't see any coffee here.  What I do see is a lot of cream and sugar dressed up like a holiday treat, but if you are in the market for something like this it will probably just replace that fatty junk the nice girl in the Drive-thru window hands you when you say "the usual" the other 11 months of the year. 

Enjoy turning into a pumpkin.  I'll keep taking mine black, thanks anyway.  And now I'm sure I do remember Dunkin Donuts selling coffee.  GOOD coffee.  And if you wanted some sugar with it, you could get yourself a piece of round fried cake with a hole in it.  Or a bag of fried holes.  It didn't come in the cup along with the coffee.  Did I miss something?

This Capital One Birthday Pony Commercial...

 

1.  What is the point of the other presents?  Where they purchased by the other guests?  Well, those other guests are going to feel really special now that their gifts are probably going to go unopened by this spoiled little brat, as her mother obnoxiously gives her a pony right off the bat.  If I were one of these kids, I'd quietly take my gift back.  It's not going to be noticed anyway after this ostentatious display.

2.  So this pony was actually wrapped in paper? Who did this to the poor thing?  Who thought this was funny, or necessary, or even practical?  It's just really, really dumb.  

3.  I just hate this woman, and hate this kid, and feel sorry for the other kids here because they took the time to find gifts for this little girl that might as well be dirt under her shoe at this point.  Again- just take your gifts back, kids.  Donate them to a toy bank at a shelter somewhere.  Some poor kids who will appreciate them will get them.  You know, kids without an insane mom who thinks it's a good idea to wrap a f--king pony.   Cripes. 

Kay Jewelers: Yes, it's that time of year again....

 

You know what I'm talking about- that Dead Zone between Christmas/New Year's and Easter where there's no legitimate reason to buy shiny pieces of rock or candy so Capitalism hits us over the head with the Second-Biggest Guilt Trip Holiday (the biggest being Mother's Day) of the year, Valentine's Day.  Smack dab in the middle of the dreariest, coldest month, it's just wedged in there to remind us that if we are part of a couple, it's time to start spending, and if we aren't part of a couple, there's Something Wrong With Us Losers.

In the first scene of this chapter of It Never Ever Ends Does It? we are reminded that if you want her to say Yes, be sure to give her something that glitters and do it while standing next to a cliff.  Wait a few dates so you have a good idea of how much she costs, because that Token that Says She's Taken is a big enough waste of money without going overboard.  And if there's no cliff around, do the buying asking in front of an audience in some loud, ostentatious way that pretty much guarantees the "right" answer. 

Then go out and buy some chocolate, too.  Gotta keep the economy afloat until April.

This stupid Tucson Hybrid "Gas Card" Commercial...

 

1.  Does this woman's boyfriend have any tact at all?  First of all, she's well aware that she drives a hybrid- it's her car, after all.  Second, it's not his job to judge a gift given to her by her parents.  What is the matter with you, you idiot?

2.  Why is he so obsessed with her needing gas?  Who acts like this?  She's the driver of her own car.  She can keep track of when she needs gas.

3.  Who re-gifts to the same person who originally gave the gift?  Like the dad isn't going to notice it's the exact same gift card?  And Stupid Boyfriend is at it again, ready to say "hey, isn't that the same card he gave you?" before she shuts him up.  

4.  She drives a Hybrid.  Which means- her car uses gas.  So she buys gas.  Why doesn't she want that gas card?  

The "Escape Room" series is an example of the betrayal of Modern Cinema

 

For those of you who aren't aware- lucky you- "Escape Room" is a (likely endless) series of films that function, in the words of one of my favorite reviewers, as "Saw for Babies."  In other words, Violence Porn for the PG-13 set.  Because you're never to young to start reveling in the agony of complete strangers for the benefit of the viewing audience, I guess.

Here's why I find films like this especially insulting, and why I would never actually pay money to see any film of this depressingly popular genre (besides the fact that I find no entertainment in watching terrified people struggling to survive for five minutes, let alone ninety:)  they break what used to be a pretty standard and completely fair contract between movie studios and movie-goers.  The idea is that a film is supposed to tell a complete story:  It would have a beginning, in which characters are introduced, a storyline that included rising tension, and a satisfying resolution.  Way too many films these days- especially films like Saw, Escape Room, and any number of slasher films- break this contract with the innocent moviegoer who put down his money to watch such a story.  In short, they don't actually end with anything more than a "it's not over, bring your money back next year to see the next chapter" slap in the face.

This is ok if the film is based on a book series, and the people watching are well aware that they are watching one chapter in a series.  That's the contract they signed up for when they put down the money.  But unless a film is advertised in advance as a "Chapter" of a book that will eventually come to a satisfying conclusion, ending on a "stay tuned" note feels like a mugging.  

And why am I picking on Escape Room?  Because a "sequel" was released recently, and like the first film ends on a cliffhanger.  And here's where my blood really gets up- if you go to the Wikipedia page for the second film, the director reveals that there will be a third film "IF the box office allows for it."  In other words, there's no storyline being followed.  There's no conclusion being built toward.  If the fans of the first two films want to stay invested in this series to find out "what happens," (you know, like the fans of the Halloween film series have been waiting 44 years to find out,) well, they better hope that the second film made enough money to finance a third.  But they'd better realize that they are already doomed to repeat the past- if a third Escape Room film is released, and they think it's going to wrap up the series, they have no business being upset when it also ends on a cliffhanger.  The series will never end- it will will just die out when one of the films is not profitable enough to justify another chapter.  If you are a fan of Escape Room, you might as well just admit that you are in a trap of your own making and there is no escape for you, because Hollywood long ago figured out that telling a good story with a satisfying conclusion isn't as profitable as telling a series of stories (or, more accurately, the same story over and over again) with no wrap-up before the end credits.  

My solution to the problem is beautiful in it's simplicity:  If you go to see Escape Room: Tournament of Champions, leave the theater ten minutes before the ending.  There.  You've seen the wrap-up and you can now get on with your lives.  Don't wait for the blatantly obvious to Everyone On The Planet Who Has Ever Been To One Of These Films "Twist."  Just leave, and get on with your lives, and assume that Escape Room 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8 are just remakes of the first movie (which, in fact, they are anyway.)