1. Take an idea that is kind of cute for ten seconds and stretch it into two minutes, making it feel like two hours. We got this joke ten seconds in. We don't care anymore twenty seconds in. We wish we had died before the end of the first quarter thirty seconds in.*
2. Depict your Bag of Product as being so full that one needs only to reach in about one inch in order to obtain a piece of Said Product. While every bag or bucket is stuffed full to the brim in every commercial ever (and every potato chip bag is completely creaseless, so that it looks like the person is holding a picture of a potato chip bag instead of an actual potato chip bag,) in real life potato chip bags are 60 percent air and you generally have to put your arm in up to the elbow to get the first one.
*And not only was this not the worst Beat That Idea To Death Ad which aired during the Super Bowl, it wasn't even the worst Beat That Idea To Death ad featuring POTATO CHIPS. Yes, Pringles, you got noticed too. Stay tuned.
See, if you're going to drive like a dangerous idiot, you should make sure you have good auto insurance. Because if you don't, when you have one of these hi-LARIOUS accidents in which By the Grace of G-d nobody is killed or even injured, that insurance will pay for your equally hi-LARIOUS irresponsible asshattery.
I mean, you COULD just keep your eyes on the road and accept the responsibility that's kind of supposed to be expected of anyone maneuvering several tons of metal at high speeds while surrounded by thousands of innocent people who are also expected to accept the same level of responsibility (plus pedestrians who are at the mercy of your ability to pay attention, btw.) But since that's apparently not an option when you really really want to eat those French Fries (or text, or check Facebook, or any number of things that really can just wait,) well, again, make sure you have good insurance. Because then if you get into one of these horrific but non-fatal (and therefore hi-LARIOUS) accidents, it's All Good!
As usual, the only thing more disgusting than these stupid commercials is the fact that they have a depressingly large fan base.
Only one of them can do anything about it. I wouldn't suggest you use that jogging outfit you're wearing to start jogging, because I don't want you to have a heart attack. Take some walks first to bring your heart rate up slowly. Add a little more speed and/or distance every two weeks. Of course, Consult your Doctor Before Starting any Exercise ProgramTM.
And cut out the greasy Chinese takeout. That part I can safely advise without being a Nutritionist or Dietician or even a Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor (yes, there are such things. I think the certification costs $20 and is available from the same place Kent Hovind got his "Doctorate.")
Yes, it's delicious. But yes, it's also killing you. Which means it's not worth it. This isn't complicated.
No, Domino's doesn't actually believe that it's been a major hassle to pick up a pizza and bring it home from the store ("store" sounds more accurate than "restaurant," as anyone who has actually eaten Domino's-Brand Carbs and Sludge can attest.) That's just it's way of trying to get out of the Delivery business because the cost of gasoline is pressing on the old bottom line and the current delivery fee was already inflated. Domino's would very much like to fire all those people who have been making a little extra money bringing you your pizza by turning you into your own delivery guy.
So they'll give you a few bucks off if you'll just come by and get it yourself, and they'll call it a "tip" because you're stupid. How do they know you're stupid? Um, you're buying pizza from Domino's!
This is a guy whose 1987 album was the very first to carry an "explicit content" warning sticker. The guy who wrote and performed Cop Killer, Body Count, Home Invasion and Born Dead. Then he apparently decided that there was more money in steady television work and has appeared on more than 450 episodes of Law and Order: SVU. And lately he's decided that there's money in pitching non-car insurance non-coverage and...Honey Nut Cheerios.
At which point, we all need to apologize to Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, and all the other black entertainers we ever denounced for selling out for the mass audience. Because doing Superman III and Brewster's Millions and The Toy wasn't selling out. Performing in Doctor Doolittle and playing a nameless donkey in Shrek wasn't selling out. Not compared to this....whatever the heck this is.
I'm really, really pulling for this woman to just go ahead and buy that multimillion-dollar house which is on an island and which she clearly is not concerned about paying for, as her anxieties about moving from her already clearly very substantial house to another one is shown to have absolutely nothing to do with money and everything to do with the "hassle of moving." I can really relate.
Peloton- the Exercise Bike for the 1 percent- seemed to come along at the absolute perfect time (seriously, we ought to investigate this company to see if it had anything to do with the actual development of COVID-19.) A pandemic sweeps the planet. Millions of people are forced into lockdowns or at least voluntarily shift to Virtual Attendance at work- and most of those people now working from home are at least Upper Middle Class. Millions see their gyms shuttered and locked and become concerned that hours in front of their computers will lead to sagging stomachs and expanding waistlines.
Suddenly, here's a very pricey exercise bike which streams live spinning classes to simulate the experience of being on the floor of the basketball court where your fairly wealthy friends used to gather to sweat a few times a week. It's easy to order, easy to set up in your huge living room, and fun to use- and the $2000 price tag and monthly fee for the "classes" is of no concern to you because you haven't missed a single day of work- in fact, other than being able to sleep a little later and keeping the Audi in the garage, you really haven't experienced any effects from the pandemic at all (no negative ones, anyway.)
As if things weren't going well enough for Peloton, they even managed to create an "accidentally" (?) controversial ad featuring a terrified-looking, rail-thin trophy wife desperately taking advantage of her husband's "thoughtful gift" of a Peloton bike to get up at 4 AM and sweat off half a pound or so before tending to the kids and hubby (who presumably aren't going anywhere anyway, seriously WTF?) which went viral, creating a wave of free advertising for a company that was already doing extremely well. Hell, that ad even got parodied on SNL, which is the absolute Gold Standard for commercials.
In our winter of despair, there seemed to be no limit as to how big Peloton could get. On December 21, 2020 stock in the company hit $162 per share, up from $25 at the time of it's initial public offering.
And then...the day came that the board of directors over at Peloton, INC must have dreaded: The vaccines began to hit the pharmacies. Delta subsided. Gyms began to reopen. A momentary surge of optimism in the board room when Omicron was detected, but within weeks after that it was clear that the party was over. "Back to Normal" was nothing but bad news for the Exercise from Home market and for Exercise from Home using this Ridiculously Overpriced Toy market. Like the tulips and the .com businesses and the real estate that came before, the Peloton bubble was bursting.
Yesterday, Peloton stock closed at $24.60 a share. There are stories this morning that the company may be on the verge of bankruptcy. I still see plenty of commercials for the bike on my television during football games and (especially) while watching CNBC, a channel geared toward that golden Upper Middle Class with disposable income I'd like to join someday before I die. But the bloom is most definitely off the rose. It's been a wild ride, Peloton. Hope your CEOs invested their money into something more solid and less susceptible to sudden changes in the economic environment. You know, like crypto currency- that's a bubble that will NEVER burst. And I especially hope that the Terrified Trophy Wife Actress can still find gigs. She's really cute.
