Heinz had advertising right more than 100 years ago

 

"Look mommy, it's a giant floating pickle blocking my view of the mansion across the park there!  That makes me want to buy something out of mustard dressing, malt vinegar, tomato chutney, evaporated horse radish and whatever 'India Relish' and 'Euchred Figs' are.  Seriously, that giant floating pickle next to the street lamp is making my mouth water!  At some point during my lifetime of forty-something years or so, I really hope that I can regularly enjoy consuming whatever product is being advertised by that giant floating pickle!"

"Yes, my dear boy, you shall consume plenty of pulverized preserved fruits, apple and peach butters, baked bean and tomato sauce sludge to make you grow big and stout before you die of Bright's Disease or Influenza or whatever was in that wonderful tinned meat you also partook in with all the innocence of the child you currently are at a fine old age of even fifty or more, which will be several decades I have passed from this Earth of course."

Yep, advertising definitely peaked in the 80s.  The 1880s. 

This Shaq commercial for Ring Security is kind of creepy

 

Shaquille O'Neal suddenly appears very concerned that someone might interrupt his personal time with a small child who is quite obviously not related to him. 

In this ad, he explains to this small child that being able to secure one's home against unwanted intruders is Very Very Important which is why we need Ring Brand motion sensors and alarms installed EVERYWHERE (like, outside the gym where Shaq likes to play one-on-one with small children.)  This is something this small child needs to know, for some reason.  Maybe to help him understand why Shaq knows well in advance whenever another adult- like this kid's mom or dad, for example- is approaching the gym?

I'm sorry, but this is just weird.  Even weirder is the apologist for the ad in the comments who suggests that "Shaq doesn't do a lot of commercials with children" and is perhaps trying to adjust his image a bit.  O'Neal has been in  LOT of commercials with children, some of which I've covered on this very page (check out his ads for The General Insurance, for example.)  So no, that argument sure doesn't work. 

Pringles, the Superbowl, and the Triumph of Witless Minimalism

 

And here, as promised, is the even worse potato chip* commercial inflicted upon the innocent viewer during the Super Bowl**.  As is so common in these big game ads, it's a stupid idea that is mildly amusing for ten seconds but then dragged into the land of overdone, taxed, beaten to death and So, So Very Over before mercifully put down way, way after anyone with two brain cells to rub together has lost interest and begun contemplating something more interesting, like that stain on the wall above the television screen. 

*I'm not sure if Pringles even qualifies as a "potato chip." It says "potato chips" on the can.  But they don't taste like potatoes.  I don't know what they taste like other than Salt and Oil.

**It was a very good game, and the first Super Bowl this century where I didn't really care who won, and the first one since the Panthers v Patriots in 2004 I've watched whistle to whistle. 

Lays' Superbowl Commercial continues two great traditions

 

1.  Take an idea that is kind of cute for ten seconds and stretch it into two minutes, making it feel like two hours.  We got this joke ten seconds in.  We don't care anymore twenty seconds in.  We wish we had died before the end of the first quarter thirty seconds in.*  

2.  Depict your Bag of Product as being so full that one needs only to reach in about one inch in order to obtain a piece of Said Product.  While every bag or bucket is stuffed full to the brim in every commercial ever (and every potato chip bag is completely creaseless, so that it looks like the person is holding a picture of a potato chip bag instead of an actual potato chip bag,) in real life potato chip bags are 60 percent air and you generally have to put your arm in up to the elbow to get the first one.  

*And not only was this not the worst Beat That Idea To Death Ad which aired during the Super Bowl, it wasn't even the worst Beat That Idea To Death ad featuring POTATO CHIPS.   Yes, Pringles, you got noticed too.  Stay tuned. 

Allstate Mayhem Commercials: See, if nobody dies, it's funny!

 

See, if you're going to drive like a dangerous idiot, you should make sure you have good auto insurance.  Because if you don't, when you have one of these hi-LARIOUS accidents in which By the Grace of G-d nobody is killed or even injured, that insurance will pay for your equally hi-LARIOUS irresponsible asshattery.

I mean, you COULD just keep your eyes on the road and accept the responsibility that's kind of supposed to be expected of anyone maneuvering several tons of metal at high speeds while surrounded by thousands of innocent people who are also expected to accept the same level of responsibility (plus pedestrians who are at the mercy of your ability to pay attention, btw.)  But since that's apparently not an option when you really really want to eat those French Fries (or text, or check Facebook, or any number of things that really can just wait,) well, again, make sure you have good insurance.  Because then if you get into one of these horrific but non-fatal (and therefore hi-LARIOUS) accidents, it's All Good!

As usual, the only thing more disgusting than these stupid commercials is the fact that they have a depressingly large fan base.

Geico: Two things that don't live to be 85 years old

 

1.  Geckos.

2.  Morbidly Obese Couch Potatoes.

Only one of them can do anything about it.  I wouldn't suggest you use that jogging outfit you're wearing to start jogging, because I don't want you to have a heart attack.  Take some walks first to bring your heart rate up slowly.  Add a little more speed and/or distance every two weeks.  Of course, Consult your Doctor Before Starting any Exercise ProgramTM.  

And cut out the greasy Chinese takeout.  That part I can safely advise without being a Nutritionist or Dietician or even a Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor (yes, there are such things.  I think the certification costs $20 and is available from the same place Kent Hovind got his "Doctorate.")

Yes, it's delicious.  But yes, it's also killing you.  Which means it's not worth it.  This isn't complicated. 

Here's a REAL tip from Domino's= get pizza from someplace else.

 

No, Domino's doesn't actually believe that it's been a major hassle to pick up a pizza and bring it home from the store ("store" sounds more accurate than "restaurant," as anyone who has actually eaten Domino's-Brand Carbs and Sludge can attest.)  That's just it's way of trying to get out of the Delivery business because the cost of gasoline is pressing on the old bottom line and the current delivery fee was already inflated.  Domino's would very much like to fire all those people who have been making a little extra money bringing you your pizza by turning you into your own delivery guy.

So they'll give you a few bucks off if you'll just come by and get it yourself, and they'll call it a "tip" because you're stupid.  How do they know you're stupid?  Um, you're buying pizza from Domino's!