Speaking of Family Planning....

1.  I get that it's supposed to be funny, but are we really being asked to swallow the idea that this couple got married and had a dozen or so kids so that they would be eligible for a good family plan on their phones?  That's just awesome economics- save a hundred dollars a month by spending thousands of dollars a month.  Again, I know it's supposed to be funny, but it actually comes off as more than a little depressing when you see that this couple actually has zero interest in actually being parents to their offspring and look like they are absolutely miserable now that they realize that they could have landed that cheap phone plan without having all these awful, noisy little money vampires.

2.  Gorgeous little sister is living in her gorgeous, huge, spotlessly clean house with a cheap phone plan she clearly doesn't need.  I mean, my god, how much did that house cost?  This woman couldn't care less what her monthly phone bill is.  Please. 

Nonsensical SUV commercial? That's So You!

 

I don't understand even one moment of this ad.  In each of three scenarios, the punchline is "That's So You," but how does this make any sense as a reasonable comment?  How is having automatic parking "So" anybody?  How is bringing an entire soccer team to practice "So" anybody?  What the hell does this even mean??

Seriously, someone explain this to me.  Does anyone do this?  If a friend tells me that they just bought a week's worth of groceries or planned out the menu for the week, I might say "that's so you" because she's efficient and likes to plan ahead.  (It would still sound dumb, but I'd be justified in saying it.)  If I buy my great-nephew a toy on an impulse, I can see someone saying "that's so you" because I tend to do things like that.  But how would pushing a button that allows my car to park itself "so" me, or "so" ANYBODY for that matter?  WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?

And why do the people in Buick ads keep referring to the car brands in the ad?  Oh, right- it's because Buick is one of the most forgettable car brands available, and the owners of the company are desperate to get people to start referring to Buicks as Buicks, as if they are Audis or Lexuses or some other easily-recognizable luxury car.  Thing is, they simply aren't.  There's nothing special about a Buick.  They are Hondas made by General Motors.  

And why do the first two women in this ad act like they are totally turned on by the car's ability to do stuff at the touch of a button?  I mean, they look like they want to jump the driver.  This is just so weird. 

That KIA Superbowl Commercial featuring the only kind of dog I'd ever own

 

(How this sells a KIA, I'll never understand.  Because I'm not a Marketing Genius, I guess.  I remembered this commercial from the Superbowl, but could not remember that it was for a car company, let alone which one.  I had to search "Robot Dog Superbowl Commercial" to find it.  Great job, KIA!)

Having watched it several times, I STILL don't know what it has to do with buying a KIA.  The robot dog on sale at what I guess would be Sharper Image or Brookstone if those places were still around (are there any standing Sharper Image or Brookstone stores anymore? I don't even know.  I just know they were back in the 80s and 90s but I haven't seen one in years.  Maybe because the economy hasn't exactly been built for Stupid Electronic Toy Impulse Purchases for most of the 21st century.)  We see a guy who is actually happy to be jumped on by a grubby four-legged mammal with dirty paws- so happy that the dog's owner doesn't even have to bleat "oh don't worry he doesn't bite" or "that means he LIKES you" as if that's an excuse for not controlling your stupid ball and chain wallet-emptying feces-creating family gathering-ruining ego-gratifying noise machine.   In other words, someone who is not me and someone I simply cannot identify with in any way.

That robot dog thing looks pretty cool.  Far cooler than the living thing it's supposed to represent.  I might like to have one of those robot dogs someday.  Maybe cover it with fake fur so it's nice to pet.  And drop the price.  $300 for an impulse purchase is way past my budget. 

Heinz had advertising right more than 100 years ago

 

"Look mommy, it's a giant floating pickle blocking my view of the mansion across the park there!  That makes me want to buy something out of mustard dressing, malt vinegar, tomato chutney, evaporated horse radish and whatever 'India Relish' and 'Euchred Figs' are.  Seriously, that giant floating pickle next to the street lamp is making my mouth water!  At some point during my lifetime of forty-something years or so, I really hope that I can regularly enjoy consuming whatever product is being advertised by that giant floating pickle!"

"Yes, my dear boy, you shall consume plenty of pulverized preserved fruits, apple and peach butters, baked bean and tomato sauce sludge to make you grow big and stout before you die of Bright's Disease or Influenza or whatever was in that wonderful tinned meat you also partook in with all the innocence of the child you currently are at a fine old age of even fifty or more, which will be several decades I have passed from this Earth of course."

Yep, advertising definitely peaked in the 80s.  The 1880s. 

This Shaq commercial for Ring Security is kind of creepy

 

Shaquille O'Neal suddenly appears very concerned that someone might interrupt his personal time with a small child who is quite obviously not related to him. 

In this ad, he explains to this small child that being able to secure one's home against unwanted intruders is Very Very Important which is why we need Ring Brand motion sensors and alarms installed EVERYWHERE (like, outside the gym where Shaq likes to play one-on-one with small children.)  This is something this small child needs to know, for some reason.  Maybe to help him understand why Shaq knows well in advance whenever another adult- like this kid's mom or dad, for example- is approaching the gym?

I'm sorry, but this is just weird.  Even weirder is the apologist for the ad in the comments who suggests that "Shaq doesn't do a lot of commercials with children" and is perhaps trying to adjust his image a bit.  O'Neal has been in  LOT of commercials with children, some of which I've covered on this very page (check out his ads for The General Insurance, for example.)  So no, that argument sure doesn't work. 

Pringles, the Superbowl, and the Triumph of Witless Minimalism

 

And here, as promised, is the even worse potato chip* commercial inflicted upon the innocent viewer during the Super Bowl**.  As is so common in these big game ads, it's a stupid idea that is mildly amusing for ten seconds but then dragged into the land of overdone, taxed, beaten to death and So, So Very Over before mercifully put down way, way after anyone with two brain cells to rub together has lost interest and begun contemplating something more interesting, like that stain on the wall above the television screen. 

*I'm not sure if Pringles even qualifies as a "potato chip." It says "potato chips" on the can.  But they don't taste like potatoes.  I don't know what they taste like other than Salt and Oil.

**It was a very good game, and the first Super Bowl this century where I didn't really care who won, and the first one since the Panthers v Patriots in 2004 I've watched whistle to whistle. 

Lays' Superbowl Commercial continues two great traditions

 

1.  Take an idea that is kind of cute for ten seconds and stretch it into two minutes, making it feel like two hours.  We got this joke ten seconds in.  We don't care anymore twenty seconds in.  We wish we had died before the end of the first quarter thirty seconds in.*  

2.  Depict your Bag of Product as being so full that one needs only to reach in about one inch in order to obtain a piece of Said Product.  While every bag or bucket is stuffed full to the brim in every commercial ever (and every potato chip bag is completely creaseless, so that it looks like the person is holding a picture of a potato chip bag instead of an actual potato chip bag,) in real life potato chip bags are 60 percent air and you generally have to put your arm in up to the elbow to get the first one.  

*And not only was this not the worst Beat That Idea To Death Ad which aired during the Super Bowl, it wasn't even the worst Beat That Idea To Death ad featuring POTATO CHIPS.   Yes, Pringles, you got noticed too.  Stay tuned.