Sirius XM Radio: No Brain Cells Required

 

When I first saw this ad I had the sound off, and I thought it was just about the most racist commercial I'd ever seen.  Then I saw it with the sound on, and I still think it's pretty damn racist, even if it accurately portrays Kevin Hart doing his One-Note Kevin Hart schtick.   Just another bug-eyed, Permanently Astonished At Absolutely Nothing black guy reassuring white people that black guys are idiots put on earth for our entertainment. 

I guess the message is supposed to be "you can listen to Sirius XM anywhere."  But the message I get is "Kevin Hart is a rich moron with rich friends who hang around his huge house while Kevin Hart acts like a rich moron."  And the message I get from the comment section is....well, that we are pretty much screwed as a nation.  Because seriously, people!

PowerFit Elite,* another gem from the Only Available on TV treasure chest...

 

"Because I've tried everything except get regular exercise and cut calories, and nothing works!"  Ok then...

Based on the backgrounds we see in this ad, not one of the dim bulbs who bought into the idea that a vibrating skateboard could burn fat and build muscle lacks the money to get a gym membership and personal trainer or the money AND the room to purchase actual exercise equipment.  And if they have time to stand on this stupid piece of crap, they have time to actually go to that gym or use that exercise equipment.  They have plenty of money and room.  What they lack is common sense and a willingness to accept that just as gaining weight and turning into a blob of Jell-o took time and effort, so does losing it and getting toned. 

There's simply no end to this garbage, is there?  From sauna suits to Thighmasters to this hilarious bit of nonsense, there's a bottomless market for Quick Fixes out there for people who are allergic to the notion of Calories In, Calories Out and REGULAR EXERCISE.  Thing is, this stupid piece of plastic probably has a weight limit, so most of the people who would be interested in purchasing it (and who probably don't look a THING like the people in this ad) will have to lose some weight BEFORE they can get on it without snapping it in two.   

*what's "elite" about it?  Oh my god, does that mean there's a previous version of this thing out there?  What does this one do that the original didn't?  I don't even want to hazard a guess.

That Weird Gain commercial....

 

(No, not THAT one.  THIS one.  Ok, they are all weird.)

Clearly the only thing this woman has going on in her life is that her apartment building features the most spacious and best-kept laundry room in the planet.  I mean, this is IMPRESSIVE.  I'm guessing that she used to go into raptures every time she walked into it, but that thrill wore off, and now she's tripping over the smell of her laundry detergent.  And now she has nobody but herself to blame if her kids are ingesting Tide pods, because let's face it she isn't the best role model they could have had. 

Seriously, get a date, lady.  You are waaaay too lonely.

Speaking of Family Planning....

1.  I get that it's supposed to be funny, but are we really being asked to swallow the idea that this couple got married and had a dozen or so kids so that they would be eligible for a good family plan on their phones?  That's just awesome economics- save a hundred dollars a month by spending thousands of dollars a month.  Again, I know it's supposed to be funny, but it actually comes off as more than a little depressing when you see that this couple actually has zero interest in actually being parents to their offspring and look like they are absolutely miserable now that they realize that they could have landed that cheap phone plan without having all these awful, noisy little money vampires.

2.  Gorgeous little sister is living in her gorgeous, huge, spotlessly clean house with a cheap phone plan she clearly doesn't need.  I mean, my god, how much did that house cost?  This woman couldn't care less what her monthly phone bill is.  Please. 

Nonsensical SUV commercial? That's So You!

 

I don't understand even one moment of this ad.  In each of three scenarios, the punchline is "That's So You," but how does this make any sense as a reasonable comment?  How is having automatic parking "So" anybody?  How is bringing an entire soccer team to practice "So" anybody?  What the hell does this even mean??

Seriously, someone explain this to me.  Does anyone do this?  If a friend tells me that they just bought a week's worth of groceries or planned out the menu for the week, I might say "that's so you" because she's efficient and likes to plan ahead.  (It would still sound dumb, but I'd be justified in saying it.)  If I buy my great-nephew a toy on an impulse, I can see someone saying "that's so you" because I tend to do things like that.  But how would pushing a button that allows my car to park itself "so" me, or "so" ANYBODY for that matter?  WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?

And why do the people in Buick ads keep referring to the car brands in the ad?  Oh, right- it's because Buick is one of the most forgettable car brands available, and the owners of the company are desperate to get people to start referring to Buicks as Buicks, as if they are Audis or Lexuses or some other easily-recognizable luxury car.  Thing is, they simply aren't.  There's nothing special about a Buick.  They are Hondas made by General Motors.  

And why do the first two women in this ad act like they are totally turned on by the car's ability to do stuff at the touch of a button?  I mean, they look like they want to jump the driver.  This is just so weird. 

That KIA Superbowl Commercial featuring the only kind of dog I'd ever own

 

(How this sells a KIA, I'll never understand.  Because I'm not a Marketing Genius, I guess.  I remembered this commercial from the Superbowl, but could not remember that it was for a car company, let alone which one.  I had to search "Robot Dog Superbowl Commercial" to find it.  Great job, KIA!)

Having watched it several times, I STILL don't know what it has to do with buying a KIA.  The robot dog on sale at what I guess would be Sharper Image or Brookstone if those places were still around (are there any standing Sharper Image or Brookstone stores anymore? I don't even know.  I just know they were back in the 80s and 90s but I haven't seen one in years.  Maybe because the economy hasn't exactly been built for Stupid Electronic Toy Impulse Purchases for most of the 21st century.)  We see a guy who is actually happy to be jumped on by a grubby four-legged mammal with dirty paws- so happy that the dog's owner doesn't even have to bleat "oh don't worry he doesn't bite" or "that means he LIKES you" as if that's an excuse for not controlling your stupid ball and chain wallet-emptying feces-creating family gathering-ruining ego-gratifying noise machine.   In other words, someone who is not me and someone I simply cannot identify with in any way.

That robot dog thing looks pretty cool.  Far cooler than the living thing it's supposed to represent.  I might like to have one of those robot dogs someday.  Maybe cover it with fake fur so it's nice to pet.  And drop the price.  $300 for an impulse purchase is way past my budget. 

Heinz had advertising right more than 100 years ago

 

"Look mommy, it's a giant floating pickle blocking my view of the mansion across the park there!  That makes me want to buy something out of mustard dressing, malt vinegar, tomato chutney, evaporated horse radish and whatever 'India Relish' and 'Euchred Figs' are.  Seriously, that giant floating pickle next to the street lamp is making my mouth water!  At some point during my lifetime of forty-something years or so, I really hope that I can regularly enjoy consuming whatever product is being advertised by that giant floating pickle!"

"Yes, my dear boy, you shall consume plenty of pulverized preserved fruits, apple and peach butters, baked bean and tomato sauce sludge to make you grow big and stout before you die of Bright's Disease or Influenza or whatever was in that wonderful tinned meat you also partook in with all the innocence of the child you currently are at a fine old age of even fifty or more, which will be several decades I have passed from this Earth of course."

Yep, advertising definitely peaked in the 80s.  The 1880s.