Walt Disney World Resort: Get Ready for Disappointment 50 years in the making!

 

0:12- getting your parents to pay between $105-$124 to get your through the gate into Disney World is not going to grant you the ability to emit sparkling light from your hands or transform into a princess.  Demonic Powers are Not Included with Entry, sorry.

0:16- unless you are going to Disney World in the dead of winter- and even then- you aren't going to be doing a lot of running into exhibits.  You will, however, be doing a lot of standing in lines.  I love how Disney World is never even remotely crowded in these ads.  

0:19- that popcorn probably cost twenty bucks.  What spoiled rotten little brat. 

0:28- we discussed this just seconds ago.  Your entry fee does not include actual magical powers.  And that doesn't just preclude the power to emit light from your hands.  It also means you won't be making the other 58,000 (estimated daily average) visitors get out of your way when you want to run to attractions or hug underpaid college students dressed up like cartoon mice or part like the Red Sea when you want to go on Your Very Favorite Ride or stand in Exactly the Right Spot to Get That Picture in front of the fake Castle Just Like Those People On TV. 

This ad doesn't show the amazing Disney Resort that most of the people shown in these commercials stay at, but I'll add that if you do get mom and dad to take out a second mortgage and bring you to Disney World, the room you get won't actually include a spectacular view of the fake castle mentioned in the previous paragraph.  A personal visit from Tinker Bell is also not guaranteed and, in fact, extremely unlikely. 

By the way, none of this looks even closely related to Fun.  Maybe it's just me, but I'll take Hersheypark followed by dinner at Friendly's and a comfortable bed at the local Red Roof over this any day of the week and twice on Sundays.  And I won't have to take out a second mortgage to do it.  Win-win.

Keebler Fudge Striped Cookies: Yet Another Trophy Wife Fail

 

When this woman throws back the towel to reveal...a box of store-bought Keebler cookies, not even out of the box, not even on a plate...I mean, I'm sorry, but the lack of effort is nothing less than astounding.  And the kid is so darned delighted to see that box of cookies- he's been trained well, I guess.  This kid knows not to expect homemade cookies.  He may not be aware that it's possible to buy cookie dough and bake the cookies yourself.  He may very well believe that cookies come from boxes, which come from the store.  Period.

And if the look of delight on the kid's face isn't depressing enough- take a look at how smug and satisfied Mommy and Daddy are.  Like they've just accomplished something awesome by...picking up a box of Keebler cookies at the local grocery store (hell, they probably had it delivered.)   And not even opening the box and putting them on a plate.  How awesome. 

Congratulations on training your kid to have such low expectations, people.  Most kids expect more.  

Sirius XM Radio: No Brain Cells Required

 

When I first saw this ad I had the sound off, and I thought it was just about the most racist commercial I'd ever seen.  Then I saw it with the sound on, and I still think it's pretty damn racist, even if it accurately portrays Kevin Hart doing his One-Note Kevin Hart schtick.   Just another bug-eyed, Permanently Astonished At Absolutely Nothing black guy reassuring white people that black guys are idiots put on earth for our entertainment. 

I guess the message is supposed to be "you can listen to Sirius XM anywhere."  But the message I get is "Kevin Hart is a rich moron with rich friends who hang around his huge house while Kevin Hart acts like a rich moron."  And the message I get from the comment section is....well, that we are pretty much screwed as a nation.  Because seriously, people!

PowerFit Elite,* another gem from the Only Available on TV treasure chest...

 

"Because I've tried everything except get regular exercise and cut calories, and nothing works!"  Ok then...

Based on the backgrounds we see in this ad, not one of the dim bulbs who bought into the idea that a vibrating skateboard could burn fat and build muscle lacks the money to get a gym membership and personal trainer or the money AND the room to purchase actual exercise equipment.  And if they have time to stand on this stupid piece of crap, they have time to actually go to that gym or use that exercise equipment.  They have plenty of money and room.  What they lack is common sense and a willingness to accept that just as gaining weight and turning into a blob of Jell-o took time and effort, so does losing it and getting toned. 

There's simply no end to this garbage, is there?  From sauna suits to Thighmasters to this hilarious bit of nonsense, there's a bottomless market for Quick Fixes out there for people who are allergic to the notion of Calories In, Calories Out and REGULAR EXERCISE.  Thing is, this stupid piece of plastic probably has a weight limit, so most of the people who would be interested in purchasing it (and who probably don't look a THING like the people in this ad) will have to lose some weight BEFORE they can get on it without snapping it in two.   

*what's "elite" about it?  Oh my god, does that mean there's a previous version of this thing out there?  What does this one do that the original didn't?  I don't even want to hazard a guess.

That Weird Gain commercial....

 

(No, not THAT one.  THIS one.  Ok, they are all weird.)

Clearly the only thing this woman has going on in her life is that her apartment building features the most spacious and best-kept laundry room in the planet.  I mean, this is IMPRESSIVE.  I'm guessing that she used to go into raptures every time she walked into it, but that thrill wore off, and now she's tripping over the smell of her laundry detergent.  And now she has nobody but herself to blame if her kids are ingesting Tide pods, because let's face it she isn't the best role model they could have had. 

Seriously, get a date, lady.  You are waaaay too lonely.

Speaking of Family Planning....

1.  I get that it's supposed to be funny, but are we really being asked to swallow the idea that this couple got married and had a dozen or so kids so that they would be eligible for a good family plan on their phones?  That's just awesome economics- save a hundred dollars a month by spending thousands of dollars a month.  Again, I know it's supposed to be funny, but it actually comes off as more than a little depressing when you see that this couple actually has zero interest in actually being parents to their offspring and look like they are absolutely miserable now that they realize that they could have landed that cheap phone plan without having all these awful, noisy little money vampires.

2.  Gorgeous little sister is living in her gorgeous, huge, spotlessly clean house with a cheap phone plan she clearly doesn't need.  I mean, my god, how much did that house cost?  This woman couldn't care less what her monthly phone bill is.  Please. 

Nonsensical SUV commercial? That's So You!

 

I don't understand even one moment of this ad.  In each of three scenarios, the punchline is "That's So You," but how does this make any sense as a reasonable comment?  How is having automatic parking "So" anybody?  How is bringing an entire soccer team to practice "So" anybody?  What the hell does this even mean??

Seriously, someone explain this to me.  Does anyone do this?  If a friend tells me that they just bought a week's worth of groceries or planned out the menu for the week, I might say "that's so you" because she's efficient and likes to plan ahead.  (It would still sound dumb, but I'd be justified in saying it.)  If I buy my great-nephew a toy on an impulse, I can see someone saying "that's so you" because I tend to do things like that.  But how would pushing a button that allows my car to park itself "so" me, or "so" ANYBODY for that matter?  WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?

And why do the people in Buick ads keep referring to the car brands in the ad?  Oh, right- it's because Buick is one of the most forgettable car brands available, and the owners of the company are desperate to get people to start referring to Buicks as Buicks, as if they are Audis or Lexuses or some other easily-recognizable luxury car.  Thing is, they simply aren't.  There's nothing special about a Buick.  They are Hondas made by General Motors.  

And why do the first two women in this ad act like they are totally turned on by the car's ability to do stuff at the touch of a button?  I mean, they look like they want to jump the driver.  This is just so weird.