I just Can't with this Buick "Iggy" commercial

 

I mean, is Buick just trolling us now?  This awfulness starts with Obvious Trophy Wife escorting her kids out of their multimillion-dollar suburban home to the car.  After one of the kids is in the car he actually asks "woah mom, is this your new Buick?"  What the actual hell?  How is Mom supposed to answer this question?

A)  "Yes, this is the car you got into, and I'm driving it, so it belongs to me.  Your mother did not steal a car."

B)  "Yes, I reminded your dad that I'm still hot and I'm sick of showing poorly for the other Trophy Wives on the block."  or

C)  "Yes, it's my new car.  Why did you get into it if you had any doubts?  Why did you not notice when I brought it home from the dealership yesterday?  Did you get into the paint chips again?"

And then one of her awful little brats is dealing with a cell phone that is almost completely dead.  She responds by telling her to put the phone in the Buick's charger (she has to keep saying "Buick," because that's what people do in Buick commercials.  They constantly remind everyone what kind of car they are driving, and that car is a Buick.  Because Buick isn't exactly the most-sought after car among people with multi-million-dollar suburban mansions, and Buick would like to change that.  Buick.

And I guess there's more drama with a lizard one of the kids is bringing to school for Reasons.  This becomes a big deal after the LookAtMeMobile pulls up to school and the kids get out and "the crowd starts screaming" for more Reasons.  

"How can you remain calm?" a fellow parent asks TrophyWife.  Possible answers include

A)  "What do you mean?  A lizard is loose outside my car.  I am about to drive away, leaving you with my kids.  Why shouldn't I be calm?"

B)  "Why are you talking as if you were along for the ride and you know about the MAYHEM THAT OCCURRED when Thing One mentioned facts about the lizard and Thing Two's phone was almost dead?  I mean, you weren't there to see that.  So you are asking me 'how can I remain calm' over a lizard being on the sidewalk?"

C)  "Look at my life.  There is zero reason for me to be upset about anything, ever."

Instead we get "massaging seats," which yeah we didn't hate you enough already, thanks for including that.  Now hurry along, you're late for your daily pedicure or whatever else you do to spend your time waiting for Sugar Daddy to come home and display the kind of genius that resulted in your stupid kids.  He'll probably ask something like "Hey Honey, is that your new Buick?"

Jake from State Farm seems to be slumming it lately

I mean, it's nice to see Jake hanging out with people who aren't multimillionaire sports figures for a change (it would be even nicer if we didn't see him hanging out with anyone at all but instead saw him in the office answering phones- you know, like a State Farm Employee actually does.  It would be nicer still to never, ever see him again in any capacity) but I think he should explain exactly why State Farm offers "surprisingly great rates."  Turns out that the sun is hot, the Pope is Catholic, and State Farm- while happy to collect those Surprisingly Great Rates, isn't all that interested in paying out those "losses" (which is what they call "Claims."  You know, that one and only benefit that comes with buying insurance.*)

*except for car insurance.  The other benefit derived from car insurance is that it makes it legal to drive your car.  Whether the insurance company pays claims or not.

https://www.nytimes.com/2022/03/18/business/state-farm-fraud-black-customers.html?smid=url-share

I don't get the Ethos here

 

This woman doesn't need life insurance for her kids.  She needs life insurance AGAINST her kids.  And I'm sorry, but this is the year 2022- the SuperMom thing is over.  There's nothing special about a woman who has kids AND works outside the house.  It's the New Normal; hell, it's not even that New.   This woman needs to get over herself.  

Tovala. It's Latin for Privilege.

 

Gotta love the slow-motion sprinkling of spices on to the fish- I guess if that convinces you you are actually cooking something and not just putting a pre-prepared, delivered meal into microwave (oh, excuse me, "Smart Oven,") more power to you, but come on.  This is pre-prepared, delivered meals you are just tossing into a heater.  You aren't doing ANYTHING.

For some reason, a full Weekly Meal Plan consists of 16 meals.  Do people not eat 3 meals a day anymore?  Judging from the size of the waistbands I've seen lately, we haven't been eliminating meals.  Anyway, 16 meals a week will run you $191.  Plus $299 for the "Smart Oven," which reads the QR code of your "menu card" so it knows what you want it to do.  At these prices, you'd think it could sprinkle spices on fish.  I mean, I'm busy and I paid good money for this. 

Anyway, what we have here is just more Privilege, delivered to the doorsteps of people who have money to burn.  But check out the comment posted under this ad which suggests that this is a great idea for people who are "stressed."  Oh please.  If you can afford this nonsense, you're "stressed" because you make plenty of money but have no idea how to budget.  Or, you're "stressed" because you're constantly looking for ways to one-up the neighbors and you already own a 2022 Audi. 

Walt Disney World Resort: Get Ready for Disappointment 50 years in the making!

 

0:12- getting your parents to pay between $105-$124 to get your through the gate into Disney World is not going to grant you the ability to emit sparkling light from your hands or transform into a princess.  Demonic Powers are Not Included with Entry, sorry.

0:16- unless you are going to Disney World in the dead of winter- and even then- you aren't going to be doing a lot of running into exhibits.  You will, however, be doing a lot of standing in lines.  I love how Disney World is never even remotely crowded in these ads.  

0:19- that popcorn probably cost twenty bucks.  What spoiled rotten little brat. 

0:28- we discussed this just seconds ago.  Your entry fee does not include actual magical powers.  And that doesn't just preclude the power to emit light from your hands.  It also means you won't be making the other 58,000 (estimated daily average) visitors get out of your way when you want to run to attractions or hug underpaid college students dressed up like cartoon mice or part like the Red Sea when you want to go on Your Very Favorite Ride or stand in Exactly the Right Spot to Get That Picture in front of the fake Castle Just Like Those People On TV. 

This ad doesn't show the amazing Disney Resort that most of the people shown in these commercials stay at, but I'll add that if you do get mom and dad to take out a second mortgage and bring you to Disney World, the room you get won't actually include a spectacular view of the fake castle mentioned in the previous paragraph.  A personal visit from Tinker Bell is also not guaranteed and, in fact, extremely unlikely. 

By the way, none of this looks even closely related to Fun.  Maybe it's just me, but I'll take Hersheypark followed by dinner at Friendly's and a comfortable bed at the local Red Roof over this any day of the week and twice on Sundays.  And I won't have to take out a second mortgage to do it.  Win-win.

Keebler Fudge Striped Cookies: Yet Another Trophy Wife Fail

 

When this woman throws back the towel to reveal...a box of store-bought Keebler cookies, not even out of the box, not even on a plate...I mean, I'm sorry, but the lack of effort is nothing less than astounding.  And the kid is so darned delighted to see that box of cookies- he's been trained well, I guess.  This kid knows not to expect homemade cookies.  He may not be aware that it's possible to buy cookie dough and bake the cookies yourself.  He may very well believe that cookies come from boxes, which come from the store.  Period.

And if the look of delight on the kid's face isn't depressing enough- take a look at how smug and satisfied Mommy and Daddy are.  Like they've just accomplished something awesome by...picking up a box of Keebler cookies at the local grocery store (hell, they probably had it delivered.)   And not even opening the box and putting them on a plate.  How awesome. 

Congratulations on training your kid to have such low expectations, people.  Most kids expect more.  

Sirius XM Radio: No Brain Cells Required

 

When I first saw this ad I had the sound off, and I thought it was just about the most racist commercial I'd ever seen.  Then I saw it with the sound on, and I still think it's pretty damn racist, even if it accurately portrays Kevin Hart doing his One-Note Kevin Hart schtick.   Just another bug-eyed, Permanently Astonished At Absolutely Nothing black guy reassuring white people that black guys are idiots put on earth for our entertainment. 

I guess the message is supposed to be "you can listen to Sirius XM anywhere."  But the message I get is "Kevin Hart is a rich moron with rich friends who hang around his huge house while Kevin Hart acts like a rich moron."  And the message I get from the comment section is....well, that we are pretty much screwed as a nation.  Because seriously, people!