The guy in this Hippo.com commercial is FREAKING ME OUT

 

I suppose I shouldn't be too critical of Joe- I mean, he's had enough problems with coming home from vacation to a broken refrigerator and having to deal with insurance right off the bat.  I'm glad he was able to navigate the online claims form and talk to someone in person and all that, but no matter how much of a "happy experience" this was, I can't see how it was anything more than a headache which put kind of a damper on the whole insurance thing.

But that's not really why I shouldn't be too critical of Joe.  Instead, I should give Joe a break because after all he must be suffering enough having at some point TOTALLY LOST THE ABILITY TO BLINK LIKE AN ACTUAL HUMAN.  I mean, seriously- you are freaking me out with those Crazy Eyes, Joe.  Please just BLINK and demonstrate to me that you are NOT A FREAKING ROBOT.   This is legitimately frightening.  If you met with an insurance agent in person, I can understand perfectly why they didn't give you a hassle over your broken refrigerator claim.  I wouldn't want to prolong the conversation any longer than necessary either.  You want a new fridge?  No problem.  You want the spoiled food replaced?  Here's a check.  Just please STOP TRYING TO PUNCTURE MY SOUL WITH THOSE EYES.

Samsung Galaxy 22: Make the night Epic by...umm...doing nothing?

 

So I guess this phone comes with permission to just intrude on everyone's privacy - excuse me, "capture" and "share" their "moments"- because You Can?  The only way this commercial- and this trend- has a happy ending is if this kid and every other time-wasting loser with a flashy electronic toy gets a bloody nose and that flashy electronic toy shoved up his nether regions for presuming that everyone wants to be filmed every second of the day, 24/7.  

Meanwhile, I am so very Over living in a world in which I'm surrounded by idiots more interested in recording and sharing than actually experiencing.   So, apparently, is at least one poster who comments on this video on YouTube.  Unfortunately, we're completely surrounded by pointless, witless gush, at least some of which I hope is simply bought and paid for by Samsung.  But seriously, what the hell is the matter with you people?

That truly disgusting MassMutual Insurance Commercial

 

I mean, no wonder the comments are turned off for this one.

I watched this one multiple times, because I could not believe that the message that seemed to be coming through clear as a bell to me was actually the message intended by the makers of this ad, but I've come to the conclusion that it is:  the parents of these children are convinced that the three offspring they've had so rock stupid that

1.  Never mind hoping that they establish successful careers that will allow them to financially support their parents*; these kids will be living off the leftover Happy Meals their bosses let them take home when their shifts are over, or

2.  These kids aren't even going to live to SEE adulthood.  They'll kill themselves by knocking down wasp nests or being crushed in lawn chairs,** or they'll be permanent dependents themselves. 

And the solution these two witless choads come up with (before finally deciding that maybe they should live in the 21st century where adults living in the Western World do NOT plan on living off their kids when they retire?***) To maybe try again with another kid?  Yeah, I can see where these kids got those genes.  These "parents" are real-life Pattersons, raising numb, unstimulated, largely ignored idiots and expecting them to turn into money machines through some magic unseen agency that does not involve Said Parents.  I really doubt that by "try again" he means "have another baby and do a much, much better job raising it."  Thanks for the Hate, MassMutual.

*I know adults who expect their parents to finance their lives, but I have never met a parent who expects their kid to.

**Are these parents hoping that these kids accidentally kill themselves?  I mean, two of them looks like they are about to get seriously injured, and the parents act like they seriously could not give a damn- nothing is going to interrupt their Musing with Coffee Time.

***Again, I know retired adults who live off THEIR parents.  I don't know any parents who PLAN on living off their kids.  Because, again, this is the Western World and it's the 21st Century.

Apple Presents: Privilege High

 

So the only thing that mattered in this student election was who had the better (read:  more expensive) tech and who was willing to spend the most money on campaign merch.  Another reason I'm so very, very glad I was in High School in the 1980s and not today.  Back then, to get elected all you needed to do was be the quarterback of the football team, prettiest girl in the class or the principal's pet.  Not a perfect system by any means, but still much better than this strategy which basically eliminates any student who doesn't have an unlimited bank account from even competing.*

*Come to think of it, maybe this commercial does teach something about modern elections. 

Taco Bell: Infinity is Wasted on the Wrong People!

 

1.  Yes, we've all seen Groundhog Day.  I mean, it's been thirty years.  We've all seen it, and a whole lot of us have seen it more than once.  It was just ok.

2.  If I found myself in an endless time loop, where nothing I did had any consequences at all and I would just be doing a Reset when the clock struck midnight, I suppose I probably WOULD engage in really dangerous, potentially life-threatening behaviors like riding a dune buggy at high speeds without a helmet.  But eating at Taco Bell?  Naw, life's STILL too short. 

3.  What is the utility of the "nacho fries limitation whatever I'm not watching this again" thing?  Is it Taco Bell's "clever" way of telling us that it recognizes that if you make Nacho Fries part of your daily diet, you might as well be leaping sand dunes in a buggy without a helmet?  

4.  Remember when Bill Murray bemoans the fact that Groundhog's Day is the day he keeps repeating, when he's had absolutely amazing days he'd LOVE to repeat?  Well, here we've got a woman who can do "anything" and for all the interesting crazy adventures she's shoving into her infinite days, the one common thread seems to be a visit to the Taco Bell drive-thru for hot crunchy grease.  She isn't even trying exotic foods, let alone doing any of the really practical things that Murray did with his opportunity (he learned a foreign language and how to ice sculpt, as well as mastering the piano when he wasn't saving people from falling out of trees, fixing flat tires, and feeding a homeless guy.)  This woman is being so incredibly shallow and selfish with her infinite time- as well as being completely happy with it until she's confronted with actual danger in the form of WHATEVER I JUST SAID I'M NOT WATCHING THIS AGAIN.  There's no Life Lesson she needs to learn to get moving forward with her life again; it doesn't even look like she's interested in moving forward because hey, as long as she's stuck in this loop she can continue to stuff hot salty carbs into her stupid mouth. 

Nobody Outstupids the Hut, either.

I wonder if there was "one shining moment" when these stupid choads imagined something other than being disgusting, obese couch potatoes waxing poetic about nonsense in between waxing poetic about their favorite carbs, fat and sugar delivery system while sitting really, really close together on a couch which looks plenty big enough to allow them to have some wheezing space.  

I just Can't with this Buick "Iggy" commercial

 

I mean, is Buick just trolling us now?  This awfulness starts with Obvious Trophy Wife escorting her kids out of their multimillion-dollar suburban home to the car.  After one of the kids is in the car he actually asks "woah mom, is this your new Buick?"  What the actual hell?  How is Mom supposed to answer this question?

A)  "Yes, this is the car you got into, and I'm driving it, so it belongs to me.  Your mother did not steal a car."

B)  "Yes, I reminded your dad that I'm still hot and I'm sick of showing poorly for the other Trophy Wives on the block."  or

C)  "Yes, it's my new car.  Why did you get into it if you had any doubts?  Why did you not notice when I brought it home from the dealership yesterday?  Did you get into the paint chips again?"

And then one of her awful little brats is dealing with a cell phone that is almost completely dead.  She responds by telling her to put the phone in the Buick's charger (she has to keep saying "Buick," because that's what people do in Buick commercials.  They constantly remind everyone what kind of car they are driving, and that car is a Buick.  Because Buick isn't exactly the most-sought after car among people with multi-million-dollar suburban mansions, and Buick would like to change that.  Buick.

And I guess there's more drama with a lizard one of the kids is bringing to school for Reasons.  This becomes a big deal after the LookAtMeMobile pulls up to school and the kids get out and "the crowd starts screaming" for more Reasons.  

"How can you remain calm?" a fellow parent asks TrophyWife.  Possible answers include

A)  "What do you mean?  A lizard is loose outside my car.  I am about to drive away, leaving you with my kids.  Why shouldn't I be calm?"

B)  "Why are you talking as if you were along for the ride and you know about the MAYHEM THAT OCCURRED when Thing One mentioned facts about the lizard and Thing Two's phone was almost dead?  I mean, you weren't there to see that.  So you are asking me 'how can I remain calm' over a lizard being on the sidewalk?"

C)  "Look at my life.  There is zero reason for me to be upset about anything, ever."

Instead we get "massaging seats," which yeah we didn't hate you enough already, thanks for including that.  Now hurry along, you're late for your daily pedicure or whatever else you do to spend your time waiting for Sugar Daddy to come home and display the kind of genius that resulted in your stupid kids.  He'll probably ask something like "Hey Honey, is that your new Buick?"