Something's really "off" about this 2022 Tundra "Cappucino" commercial

 

Maybe it's the ridiculous amount of bling.  Maybe it's the incredibly LOUD fashion statements these guys are trying to make with their choice of clothing (I mean, come on- they look like they just stepped off the set of some 1940s gangster film.)  Maybe it's the downright creepy way this one guy is determined to show up the guys he meets at the cafe.

Nope.  I know what it is that really annoys me about this stupid ad which is allegedly for an overpriced LookatMeMobile (the "LookatMe" vibes are even stronger that usual here, I must say.)  It's that this jewel-encrusted asshat decided to park his truck right in front of the cafe, completely ruining the view of the street beyond the sidewalk for his "friends" and for everyone else who happened to be trying to enjoy the nice weather with a drink and some conversation at that particular restaurant on that particular day.  Sorry, Everyone Else- I can't be bothered to put this thing in a parking garage or lot like a normal person who doesn't have a gigantic stick shoved up my ass (or just deserves to.)  I'm putting my truck right here, barely a yard away from your face, so you can appreciate it and absolutely nothing else during your stay.  Even the waiter seems perplexed at this- like, "why are you damaging the dining experience of everyone else here?  Who the hell do you think you are?"

Or maybe it's just that this is a really, really stupid commercial trying to distract me from the truck - you know, the thing that's actually for sale- with bling, clashing colors, and arrogance?  Whatever.  This is crap, Toyota.  Stick with that deranged lunatic Jan.  At least I can understand what her pitch is. 

Um, ok Toyota. Yes, it's that "Keeping up with the Joneses" commercial...

 

It's just a dumb idea- no that's being too generous, more like a fleeting thought desperately scribbled on to paper seconds before the Big Pitch Meeting some ad agency flunky was supposed to spend weeks getting ready for but wisely decided that based on what he himself had been seeing on TV for the past several decades that he could just blurt out the most inane, trite, obvious crap and the mouth-breathing American Public would slop it up and beg for more.

And I guess it worked- I mean, just look at the comments here.  If they aren't bots, I seriously fear for the future of my nation.  But they've got to be bots, right?  There's no way that there's THIS many people out there who were made to feel "proud to own a Toyota"* or who thought that this one-stupid-barely-a-joke garbage was anything more than slight-chuckle-if-I'm-already-drunk-at-this-point-in-the-Superbowl amusing.  And as for the sad lickspittle who thought they'd throw in "I'm surprised that Harrison Ford didn't show up playing Indiana Jones LOL" to a predictable chorus of "OMG THATS SO CLEVER THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN EPIC" replies, I'd offer the suggestion that it's very likely the pathetic bottom-feeders who were actually paid to produce this thought of that (and realized it would have much more impact than a grizzled Tommy Lee Jones) but then also realized that Harrison Ford wouldn't do it for less than eight figures and decided to give up the notion.   

Tommy Lee Jones?  He was in Man of the House.  He just wants people to know he's still around.

*almost as bad as the one woman who tells us she's proud to be a Jones.  Um, why, exactly?  Oh wait, I forgot:  For my own sanity's sake, I've decided these are all bots. 

I'm going out on a limb with this Rocket Mortgage Commercial.....

 

...and guessing that when these two were dating, this guy wasn't quite as over-the-top with his reactions to every surprise and didn't screech like a little girl (or Homer Simpson) every time he was surprised.  Seems to me like that would be a deal-breaker. 

Not quite, Mr. Hudson

 

Yeah, everyone's Worst Nightmare is to have their car break down in broad daylight in front of a school in the suburbs.  Absolutely Horrifying.  Nowhere near as bad as, say, finding out that you shelled out hundreds or thousands of dollars in premiums for garbage, no-coverage car insurance because the Ghostbuster Nobody Really Remembers recommended it.  

Seriously, if your "worst nightmare" is having your car break down in this situation, you live a charmed life and I don't give one flying damn about your "nightmares."  Get a Real Struggle.

And if you fall for this garbage, just think:  You weren't even conned by Ice T.  Now THAT'S a nightmare.  Still not the worst, but definitely worse than THIS one.  Check this out if you find yourself suffering from a momentary lapse of judgement and even CONSIDER purchasing Car Shield Non-Insurance Insurance:

https://ctwatchdog.com/warranties/carshield-review-ice-t-loves-it-you-just-might-want-to-take-a-pass

Who relates to the woman in this Verizon ad?

 

You know, I can't imagine caring about anything less than this woman who lives in a freaking palace having reliable, "affordable"* 5G or whatever the hell this commercial is selling.  First, because it apparently just means that he never, ever has to take her damn eyes off of a glowing screen no matter what else she is doing.  Second, because I am not at all convinced that this woman ever noticed how much her internet or phone bill like Ever. 

*I don't know what "affordable" means to someone who lives in a massive apartment in a high rise in the middle of a city (New York? Los Angeles? Where was this filmed?) but I'm guessing it doesn't gel with what I think is "affordable."  Either way, f--k off stupid grinning idiot woman.  And while you're at it, step in front of a bus while watching Disney Plus on your stupid phone.  What is the matter with you, anyway?  

Domino's values anyone who saves them money

 

Domino's believes that "every great delivery driver deserves a tip."  I guess that's why the pay for delivery drivers is so poor- Domino's expects the customers to help pay their salary.  It didn't become a billion-dollar industry by paying its employees a decent wage, after all.

And why is Domino's willing to knock three bucks off your pizza if you pick it up yourself?  Well, there's the cost of gasoline, for one thing: The boys on the board have crunched the numbers and figured out that if they want to keep providing delivery (not "free delivery"- that went out the window decades ago) they are going to have to mark up the price of their pizzas, which is going to reduce the size of their customer base (and reduce the size of their customers, too.)  A much better solution is to cut back on the number of $10 per hour delivery guys they've got hauling boxes of warm bland carbs and sugar to tasteless twats in the 'burbs by offering $3 to those tasteless twats willing to pick up their own sludge tossed into cardboard which is only slightly less nutritious than the sludge itself.  

Now I'm irritated that grocery stores don't offer a "tip" to customers using the self-checkout option.  Why did so many people just gravitate to those scanners, where we have to do all the work, without one dime of incentive?  Time for a consumer strike?  

The guy in this Hippo.com commercial is FREAKING ME OUT

 

I suppose I shouldn't be too critical of Joe- I mean, he's had enough problems with coming home from vacation to a broken refrigerator and having to deal with insurance right off the bat.  I'm glad he was able to navigate the online claims form and talk to someone in person and all that, but no matter how much of a "happy experience" this was, I can't see how it was anything more than a headache which put kind of a damper on the whole insurance thing.

But that's not really why I shouldn't be too critical of Joe.  Instead, I should give Joe a break because after all he must be suffering enough having at some point TOTALLY LOST THE ABILITY TO BLINK LIKE AN ACTUAL HUMAN.  I mean, seriously- you are freaking me out with those Crazy Eyes, Joe.  Please just BLINK and demonstrate to me that you are NOT A FREAKING ROBOT.   This is legitimately frightening.  If you met with an insurance agent in person, I can understand perfectly why they didn't give you a hassle over your broken refrigerator claim.  I wouldn't want to prolong the conversation any longer than necessary either.  You want a new fridge?  No problem.  You want the spoiled food replaced?  Here's a check.  Just please STOP TRYING TO PUNCTURE MY SOUL WITH THOSE EYES.