I guess the chapter where Larry David failed to invest in Tulips didn't make the final cut?

Anyone else sick to death of multimillionaires who wouldn't blink an eye if they lost what most of us make over the course of a lifetime telling us that if we don't invest in cryptocurrency we're Frightened-of-the-Future, Ignorant Losers who will Be Left Behind and probably Deserve to be Poor Anyway?

Larry David, Tom Brady, Matt Damon etc. are perfectly welcome to go chasing crypto-nonsense because they couldn't care less if it drops 50 percent in value because Elon Musk makes an offhanded joke on a late-night TV show, but 99 percent of us kind of count on our investment portfolios to provide for a decent retirement and don't see money as something to take for a spin because This Looks Like The Newest Big Thing.  If/when crypto tanks (repeatedly) over the next years (months,) well, these guys have already cashed their endorsement checks, have tons of money squirreled away in offshore tax havens, and won't be around for comment (Larry David might "entertain" us with a delightful(/s) "whaddayagonnado?" which I'm sure will thrill the YouTube mouth-breathers, but won't be a whole lot of solace for the middle-class suckers who decided to take what amounted to a Triple Dog Dare and put actual money into unsecured nonsense with a cool, futuristic name because some recognizable face on TV questioned their manhood and patriotism if they played it safe like all those scaredy-cats did in the old days. )

Well, excuse me, but I'm not Like Larry in the respect that I don't have money to burn (or, to put it more succinctly, to lose.)  And I'm not your audience, that being easily-manipulated rubes who assume that if a guy can write comedy, throw a football, or dribble lines before stepping back and letting his stunt double pretend to beat people up, he MUST be a genius investor.  And just as I have not purchased a sportscar, pickup truck, Beats by Dre or an iPhone 11 simply because someone on TV told me that only losers fail to do so, I am going to pass on this Awesome, Historical opportunity to ride the wave of Crypto.  I would have missed the Dutch Tulip Bubble too, I'm sure.  

(And I'm not even going to get into the whole Insult to our Intelligence that is the storyline in this stupid ad.  The wheel wasn't "invented" in ancient Egypt- like artificially produced fire, it's one of those things that predate written history by centuries.  Edison didn't invent the light bulb.  And the less said about the pretty damn blatantly racist cell phone bit the better.  Our country is dumb enough without this contribution,  Crypto-cons.)

Insane Buick Trophy Wife is Insane

 

It took me a few views before I realized that this insane woman was actually talking to "versions" of herself as she enjoyed the features in her brand-new Buick.  She does not, in fact, have three similar-looking Fellow Trophy Wife Friends- or, if she does, she left them at the spinning class to get into their own flashy cars and head home to Sugar Daddy. 

I was too busy noting the whole "brutal spinning class" thing and how gag-inducing that was- pretty wealthy woman at a spinning class in the middle of the damn day needing her car to give her butt a massage while she blathers to herself about how awesome her car is.  Talk about privilege and First World problems.  

"You really outdid yourself."  I don't know what this means.  This guy clearly wasn't around to hear her first "worry" about parallel parking and then let the car solve the problem for her.  Is he seeing this car for the first time, and is her purchase of a Buick what he means by "outdoing" herself?  So she bought the car, went to spinning class, and then headed off to meet him?  I don't get it.

I also don't get why this woman's various manifestations of herself are all dressed like successful businesswomen.  Is this fantasy projection, or what?  Does this woman like to pretend that the Buick, the spinning classes, and everything else she has is the product of her own efforts, or what?  I mean, they kind of are- she kept herself young and cute long enough to snag that meal ticket, after all.  But imagining herself in a business suit with glasses that cry out "intelligent, capable, NOT A TROPHY WIFE" is a bit much.   You are what You are.  Deal with it. 

Priceline's "No Way" Commercial kind of says it all

 

Why would I ever listen to someone who aggressively closes my laptop to bleat a commercial for Priceline at me?

Why would I use this stupid, buggy, BS "service" for anything as important as a vacation?

Why does anyone think that ads like this convince anyone of anything except that the company that made it hates us?

Something's really "off" about this 2022 Tundra "Cappucino" commercial

 

Maybe it's the ridiculous amount of bling.  Maybe it's the incredibly LOUD fashion statements these guys are trying to make with their choice of clothing (I mean, come on- they look like they just stepped off the set of some 1940s gangster film.)  Maybe it's the downright creepy way this one guy is determined to show up the guys he meets at the cafe.

Nope.  I know what it is that really annoys me about this stupid ad which is allegedly for an overpriced LookatMeMobile (the "LookatMe" vibes are even stronger that usual here, I must say.)  It's that this jewel-encrusted asshat decided to park his truck right in front of the cafe, completely ruining the view of the street beyond the sidewalk for his "friends" and for everyone else who happened to be trying to enjoy the nice weather with a drink and some conversation at that particular restaurant on that particular day.  Sorry, Everyone Else- I can't be bothered to put this thing in a parking garage or lot like a normal person who doesn't have a gigantic stick shoved up my ass (or just deserves to.)  I'm putting my truck right here, barely a yard away from your face, so you can appreciate it and absolutely nothing else during your stay.  Even the waiter seems perplexed at this- like, "why are you damaging the dining experience of everyone else here?  Who the hell do you think you are?"

Or maybe it's just that this is a really, really stupid commercial trying to distract me from the truck - you know, the thing that's actually for sale- with bling, clashing colors, and arrogance?  Whatever.  This is crap, Toyota.  Stick with that deranged lunatic Jan.  At least I can understand what her pitch is. 

Um, ok Toyota. Yes, it's that "Keeping up with the Joneses" commercial...

 

It's just a dumb idea- no that's being too generous, more like a fleeting thought desperately scribbled on to paper seconds before the Big Pitch Meeting some ad agency flunky was supposed to spend weeks getting ready for but wisely decided that based on what he himself had been seeing on TV for the past several decades that he could just blurt out the most inane, trite, obvious crap and the mouth-breathing American Public would slop it up and beg for more.

And I guess it worked- I mean, just look at the comments here.  If they aren't bots, I seriously fear for the future of my nation.  But they've got to be bots, right?  There's no way that there's THIS many people out there who were made to feel "proud to own a Toyota"* or who thought that this one-stupid-barely-a-joke garbage was anything more than slight-chuckle-if-I'm-already-drunk-at-this-point-in-the-Superbowl amusing.  And as for the sad lickspittle who thought they'd throw in "I'm surprised that Harrison Ford didn't show up playing Indiana Jones LOL" to a predictable chorus of "OMG THATS SO CLEVER THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN EPIC" replies, I'd offer the suggestion that it's very likely the pathetic bottom-feeders who were actually paid to produce this thought of that (and realized it would have much more impact than a grizzled Tommy Lee Jones) but then also realized that Harrison Ford wouldn't do it for less than eight figures and decided to give up the notion.   

Tommy Lee Jones?  He was in Man of the House.  He just wants people to know he's still around.

*almost as bad as the one woman who tells us she's proud to be a Jones.  Um, why, exactly?  Oh wait, I forgot:  For my own sanity's sake, I've decided these are all bots. 

I'm going out on a limb with this Rocket Mortgage Commercial.....

 

...and guessing that when these two were dating, this guy wasn't quite as over-the-top with his reactions to every surprise and didn't screech like a little girl (or Homer Simpson) every time he was surprised.  Seems to me like that would be a deal-breaker. 

Not quite, Mr. Hudson

 

Yeah, everyone's Worst Nightmare is to have their car break down in broad daylight in front of a school in the suburbs.  Absolutely Horrifying.  Nowhere near as bad as, say, finding out that you shelled out hundreds or thousands of dollars in premiums for garbage, no-coverage car insurance because the Ghostbuster Nobody Really Remembers recommended it.  

Seriously, if your "worst nightmare" is having your car break down in this situation, you live a charmed life and I don't give one flying damn about your "nightmares."  Get a Real Struggle.

And if you fall for this garbage, just think:  You weren't even conned by Ice T.  Now THAT'S a nightmare.  Still not the worst, but definitely worse than THIS one.  Check this out if you find yourself suffering from a momentary lapse of judgement and even CONSIDER purchasing Car Shield Non-Insurance Insurance:

https://ctwatchdog.com/warranties/carshield-review-ice-t-loves-it-you-just-might-want-to-take-a-pass