AT&T commercial featuring Lamelo Lavar, who I guess I'm supposed to know and recognize for some reason...

 

( I mean, he's "famous," right?)

"You still here?"  

Yeah, that's a phrase that any AT&T customer can relate to.  I imagine that every single one has, at one point while entering Hour Two of Waiting Around for Your Turn to Get Some Help, asked themselves some version of "I'm still here?" or "why am I still here?"  Because in real life, those AT&T employees aren't casually walking up to people who aren't even customers but are just hanging around because there's no place you'd rather be than a crowded, sweaty AT&T store filled with exhausted, stressed, bored customers and underpaid employees.

Oh, and "Employee of the Week?"  That wall is going to be completely covered inside of six months.  Then what?  The store going to find somewhere else to put framed professional photographs of the "employee of the week?"  I seriously doubt it.  "Employee of the Month" doesn't make much sense.  "Employee of the week" is another level of Implausible Stupidity. 

Oh, and I don't care who these people are.  Nor do I care how many YouTube Mouth-breathers "lost it" at the end because LOL OMG SO FUNNY.  This is dumb, dumb dumb and so are you idiots.  

Infinitely Insulting

 

This song is about a man who is heartbroken because the woman he loves is heading out on her own to explore the world without him.  It's not about a woman driving around in her LookAtMeMobile.  Cripes. 

I'm just hoping that Cat Stevens doesn't have control of this song anymore.  I'd hate to think of him as a sellout of this magnitude. 

And as for you YouTube commenters- I've said it before, I'll say it again:  What the hell is the matter with you people?

Nobody Out-pizzas the hut when it comes to minimalist advertising

 

Believe it or not, the "actually it's only ten bucks" sneer is the Official Punchline of this Nothing Commercial for Crappy Pizza.  Well good for you, Mr. Robinson, heaven holds a place for those who pick up a paycheck shilling for life-shortening garbage.  

But if you actually eat this stuff and don't just sell it to the stupid mouth-breathing audience (like that stupid kid who feeds you your cue,) well, sneer and snigger while you can, because your heart isn't going to last much longer.  For it's sake, I hope you just hold and praise this pizza (come to think of it, the pizza itself is barely even mentioned in any of these ads- just it's cost) and don't attempt to consume it, at least not on a regular basis.  Because- and I have to be blunt here- you're going to die soon unless you get that waistline under control.  There's nothing funny about morbid obesity.  A lot about it which is painful and life-shortening, but nothing funny.

Allstate joins the assault on Working from Home

 

Remember that whole series of nasty, anti-Work from Home commercials Apple dumped on us at the height of the pandemic?  It was called "The Outsiders" and it focused on a group of unmotivated slackers determined to cheat their employer out of productive hours by doing as little work as possible from their home "work stations."  

Well, I guess that Corporate America isn't quite done trashing employees yet, because here's another Lazy Good For Nothing Cheater Living High on the Hog at his Company's Expense commercial, this time from Allstate.  

Look at this guy.  He's got a substantial house with a swimming pool (and a faux Roman statue for decoration, nice subtle touch there, Allstate) which he's enjoying by sunning himself while pretending to be on a Zoom call.  Since he seems to be the host of the call, we can assume he's making more money than any of the other participants, but again, just look at him:  He's not paying any attention to the call.  He's not working.  All he cares about is his tan and his pool and (inexplicably) the fact that he's saving 25% by bundling home and auto insurance with Allstate.  This guy needs to get back to the office where the ceiling cameras can keep an eye on him, am I right?  This is what happens when we let the most productive workers in the world good for nothing slackers "work" from home- they will totally take advantage of their Saintly employers.   You know, like they did during that so-called pandemic that only existed to The Former Guy from his rightful office.

The message is clear:  American workers are worthless unless they are being carefully supervised.  Left to their own devices, they'll cheat the system and smile while doing it.  Working from Home is a necessary evil during lockdowns and all that, but it's time to get back to Normal, which means it's time to get back to rush hours and offices and the 9 to 5 (but keep your phone on before 9 and after 5, there's money to be made after all.)

*for sure, I'm a 25% savings away from having all this.  Sure, I am. 

KFC brings us an overflowing bucket of mmmm....STUPID!

 

"mmmmm.....I married into a family of mouth-breathers so witless and incapable of thinking about anything other than what is actually in front of their face, I can actually appreciate a few seconds of silence because seriously- if this is what they think about while eating, imagine the pointless drivel that comes pouring out of their mouths when they DO speak."

"I mean, they could at least notice that despite the fact that we all have chicken on our plates, the bucket is overflowing.  But hey, it's a KFC commercial so that's kind of a given, isn't it?"

Here's another Home Computer Blast from the Past!

 

Ah, the good old days- when you could sell a computer by showing a kid pretending (badly) to type on a "professional keyboard" (when nobody had a computer at home, and very few people used one at work, what did this mean?  Whatever we want it to mean, of course!) and you could convince probably more than a few people that the system you were selling responded to voice commands (the kid says "ADAM, move that paragraph" while using the keyboard to move it- I bet we were supposed to think that the computer "obeyed" him.)

And that a project "you'll never finish by morning" will get done in approximately 15 seconds because you've got a word processor program which is doing absolutely nothing that can't be done with the electronic typewriter I relied on my freshman year of college- I'm not going to tell you what year that was, but the anniversary is coming up this month and the first number in the Announcement/Request for Donations is "4."  Ugh.

And that a computer which did not have internet access because that wasn't a thing yet but can be used to create a "launch sequence."  Who does this kid think he is, David Lightman?  Gonna play Thermonuclear War next?

At least back then, Lori Laughton was worried about what was legal....

Alan Alda and ATARI- just a fun blast from the past!*

 

Ah, the late-70s, when Alan Alda could sell home arcade systems (I'm pretty sure "gaming" wasn't in the vocabulary back then) as "the perfect gift for the college student" while showing us a kid typing away on a blue screen with a white font (that wasn't anyone wanted to do then, any more than it's something anyone wants to do now.)  

This Atari system has "spell check"- as long as the user notices the spelling error first, and tells the program to fix it.  At least it isn't Magic Desk, that cartridge I used as my first "Word Processing Program" in my Commodore 64 during my freshman year of college- that thing held a total of 1000 pages of text, each of which had to be saved individually and filed into one of the four drawers of a cartoon file cabinet.  Definitely more useful than an electronic typewriter, which doesn't "make all the copies you want as long as you can find ink for the printer somewhere" like Mr. Alda's meal ticket. 

*I'm still recovering from my bout with That Illness That Shall Not Be Named.  I'm tired.  This was easy.  Sue me. :>)