This Heinz Commercial isn't terrible, but it still bothers me

 

So this is a nice commercial in that Dad doesn't do what Dads tend to do when kids do something that risks dirtying up their precious cars, instead taking the messiness in stride and enjoying seeing his little daughter being happy with her food in the back seat.  

But, being Me, I still can't help but wonder why the trip to the Drive-Thru didn't just include a stop off in the park so that Daddy and Daughter could have a little face to face time while she's eating that burger.  What's the big hurry that requires this little girl to open ketchup packets while riding in the back seat?  Sure they seem to be having fun, but it seems to me that they aren't having as MUCH fun as they would have if they just took my advice and found a nice place to eat lunch quietly, maybe even have a conversation in the process, instead of this rushed mess-waiting-to-happen.  Slow Down, Dad. You don't have to be glancing at your happy daughter using the rear-view mirror.   Wherever you're going with that kid, it will still be there if you arrive 20 minutes later.   Jeesh. 

MadTV saw this Geico Commercial coming more than a decade ago

 

This garbage graced my television more than 30 times yesterday during some sportsball event while I was just looking for some background noise while grading essays and writing final exams.  "Noise" turned out to be exactly right- apparently Geico thinks that the only thing it really needs to sell insurance these days is jarringly, obnoxiously loud commercials.   

The current horse being beaten to death is the "our house is perfect except...." bit, which is super stupid as a one-off but downright grating when it's repeated in a dozen or more "different" ways, none of which even hint at the quality of the product being sold.  Thanks again, Geico, for helping me wear out my mute button.

Meanwhile, I thought that there was something about this ad that sounded familiar, and a quick YouTube search proved me Not Quite Insane Yet:  Check out MadTV's use of muppets in a mock Geico ad from the good old days of yesteryear- err, about 2010 or so:

AT&T commercial featuring Lamelo Lavar, who I guess I'm supposed to know and recognize for some reason...

 

( I mean, he's "famous," right?)

"You still here?"  

Yeah, that's a phrase that any AT&T customer can relate to.  I imagine that every single one has, at one point while entering Hour Two of Waiting Around for Your Turn to Get Some Help, asked themselves some version of "I'm still here?" or "why am I still here?"  Because in real life, those AT&T employees aren't casually walking up to people who aren't even customers but are just hanging around because there's no place you'd rather be than a crowded, sweaty AT&T store filled with exhausted, stressed, bored customers and underpaid employees.

Oh, and "Employee of the Week?"  That wall is going to be completely covered inside of six months.  Then what?  The store going to find somewhere else to put framed professional photographs of the "employee of the week?"  I seriously doubt it.  "Employee of the Month" doesn't make much sense.  "Employee of the week" is another level of Implausible Stupidity. 

Oh, and I don't care who these people are.  Nor do I care how many YouTube Mouth-breathers "lost it" at the end because LOL OMG SO FUNNY.  This is dumb, dumb dumb and so are you idiots.  

Infinitely Insulting

 

This song is about a man who is heartbroken because the woman he loves is heading out on her own to explore the world without him.  It's not about a woman driving around in her LookAtMeMobile.  Cripes. 

I'm just hoping that Cat Stevens doesn't have control of this song anymore.  I'd hate to think of him as a sellout of this magnitude. 

And as for you YouTube commenters- I've said it before, I'll say it again:  What the hell is the matter with you people?

Nobody Out-pizzas the hut when it comes to minimalist advertising

 

Believe it or not, the "actually it's only ten bucks" sneer is the Official Punchline of this Nothing Commercial for Crappy Pizza.  Well good for you, Mr. Robinson, heaven holds a place for those who pick up a paycheck shilling for life-shortening garbage.  

But if you actually eat this stuff and don't just sell it to the stupid mouth-breathing audience (like that stupid kid who feeds you your cue,) well, sneer and snigger while you can, because your heart isn't going to last much longer.  For it's sake, I hope you just hold and praise this pizza (come to think of it, the pizza itself is barely even mentioned in any of these ads- just it's cost) and don't attempt to consume it, at least not on a regular basis.  Because- and I have to be blunt here- you're going to die soon unless you get that waistline under control.  There's nothing funny about morbid obesity.  A lot about it which is painful and life-shortening, but nothing funny.

Allstate joins the assault on Working from Home

 

Remember that whole series of nasty, anti-Work from Home commercials Apple dumped on us at the height of the pandemic?  It was called "The Outsiders" and it focused on a group of unmotivated slackers determined to cheat their employer out of productive hours by doing as little work as possible from their home "work stations."  

Well, I guess that Corporate America isn't quite done trashing employees yet, because here's another Lazy Good For Nothing Cheater Living High on the Hog at his Company's Expense commercial, this time from Allstate.  

Look at this guy.  He's got a substantial house with a swimming pool (and a faux Roman statue for decoration, nice subtle touch there, Allstate) which he's enjoying by sunning himself while pretending to be on a Zoom call.  Since he seems to be the host of the call, we can assume he's making more money than any of the other participants, but again, just look at him:  He's not paying any attention to the call.  He's not working.  All he cares about is his tan and his pool and (inexplicably) the fact that he's saving 25% by bundling home and auto insurance with Allstate.  This guy needs to get back to the office where the ceiling cameras can keep an eye on him, am I right?  This is what happens when we let the most productive workers in the world good for nothing slackers "work" from home- they will totally take advantage of their Saintly employers.   You know, like they did during that so-called pandemic that only existed to The Former Guy from his rightful office.

The message is clear:  American workers are worthless unless they are being carefully supervised.  Left to their own devices, they'll cheat the system and smile while doing it.  Working from Home is a necessary evil during lockdowns and all that, but it's time to get back to Normal, which means it's time to get back to rush hours and offices and the 9 to 5 (but keep your phone on before 9 and after 5, there's money to be made after all.)

*for sure, I'm a 25% savings away from having all this.  Sure, I am. 

KFC brings us an overflowing bucket of mmmm....STUPID!

 

"mmmmm.....I married into a family of mouth-breathers so witless and incapable of thinking about anything other than what is actually in front of their face, I can actually appreciate a few seconds of silence because seriously- if this is what they think about while eating, imagine the pointless drivel that comes pouring out of their mouths when they DO speak."

"I mean, they could at least notice that despite the fact that we all have chicken on our plates, the bucket is overflowing.  But hey, it's a KFC commercial so that's kind of a given, isn't it?"