Bell and Howell does it again!*

 

I appreciate the fact that Bell and Howell doesn't use the words "magic" or "miracle" to describe their little Bug Zapper which Doesn't Zap Bugs device, but I'm still left a bit confused about what I am seeing here.

First, why are these houses so infested with bugs in the first place? They look clean- I don't see overflowing garbage pails or dirty plates sitting around.  What is attracting all these bugs?  Are these houses next to landfills?  

Second, what kills the bugs?  I mean, how do I know that those bugs aren't going to just fly out the moment I open the machine up to "clean" it?  This isn't actually a bug zapper.  The light just attracts the bugs.  It basically just invites the bugs to hang out together in one place instead of bugging you.  How is it "Silent Bug Deadly" (I didn't make that awful pun; the commercial did.)  As far as I know, bugs don't just die of claustrophobia if you trap them in one place.  Sure they'll starve to death eventually, but after how long?  One commenter on a video reviewing this product suggested that the user should tape some fly paper to the bottom- that makes sense, but it also reinforces my idea that this thing just gets bugs out of the way.  It's not "deadly," unless the bugs die of boredom or something.

Third, I'm always suspicious when any As Seen on TV product is described as "whisper quiet."  I'm pretty sure it always means "gives off an audible hum you'll get used to, so get over it you stupid baby." Or maybe "Senior Citizens, who despite what you see in this ad are our target audience, can't hear anything so they won't hear this."  

Fourth, I'm also suspicious that we aren't told how much energy this thing uses.  It's a light AND a fan.  I'm sure it doesn't cripple the electrical grid like those "Dutch" "Fireplaces" do, but if it actually creates a powerful vacuum, I suspect the impact on the bill isn't Nothing. 

*that voice actor sure gets a lot of gigs, doesn't he?  Is there anything he HASN'T tried to sell us?

Know what else Hurts So Good, Pizza Hut? Diabetes. Heart Attacks. Fun stuff like that.

 

Based on the YouTube comments, nobody seems to really like these commercials featuring an obese man swooning over the latest entry of a diet which consists entirely of garbage take-out "pizza."  They seem to exist to make fun of or downright hate.  I guess it's just another example of there being no such thing as Bad Publicity?

And a question I see asked time and time again in these comment sections is "does he really eat this stuff?"  My first thought is "not likely."  My second is "no, but it's obvious he doesn't feed his body properly, and he doesn't move enough, it's very possible that he does spend a lot of time wearing sweatpants because that's the only thing he's comfortable in."  Which makes it even sadder that this clown has sold out to peddle Pizza Hut's version of Sugary Carbs and Fat in a box.  If he's not in total denial- or has bought in to Fat Activism/Fat Acceptance/Health At Every SizeTM- I wonder what he's thinking as he takes money to encourage viewers to consume this awful, life-shortening junk.  

This Heinz Commercial isn't terrible, but it still bothers me

 

So this is a nice commercial in that Dad doesn't do what Dads tend to do when kids do something that risks dirtying up their precious cars, instead taking the messiness in stride and enjoying seeing his little daughter being happy with her food in the back seat.  

But, being Me, I still can't help but wonder why the trip to the Drive-Thru didn't just include a stop off in the park so that Daddy and Daughter could have a little face to face time while she's eating that burger.  What's the big hurry that requires this little girl to open ketchup packets while riding in the back seat?  Sure they seem to be having fun, but it seems to me that they aren't having as MUCH fun as they would have if they just took my advice and found a nice place to eat lunch quietly, maybe even have a conversation in the process, instead of this rushed mess-waiting-to-happen.  Slow Down, Dad. You don't have to be glancing at your happy daughter using the rear-view mirror.   Wherever you're going with that kid, it will still be there if you arrive 20 minutes later.   Jeesh. 

MadTV saw this Geico Commercial coming more than a decade ago

 

This garbage graced my television more than 30 times yesterday during some sportsball event while I was just looking for some background noise while grading essays and writing final exams.  "Noise" turned out to be exactly right- apparently Geico thinks that the only thing it really needs to sell insurance these days is jarringly, obnoxiously loud commercials.   

The current horse being beaten to death is the "our house is perfect except...." bit, which is super stupid as a one-off but downright grating when it's repeated in a dozen or more "different" ways, none of which even hint at the quality of the product being sold.  Thanks again, Geico, for helping me wear out my mute button.

Meanwhile, I thought that there was something about this ad that sounded familiar, and a quick YouTube search proved me Not Quite Insane Yet:  Check out MadTV's use of muppets in a mock Geico ad from the good old days of yesteryear- err, about 2010 or so:

AT&T commercial featuring Lamelo Lavar, who I guess I'm supposed to know and recognize for some reason...

 

( I mean, he's "famous," right?)

"You still here?"  

Yeah, that's a phrase that any AT&T customer can relate to.  I imagine that every single one has, at one point while entering Hour Two of Waiting Around for Your Turn to Get Some Help, asked themselves some version of "I'm still here?" or "why am I still here?"  Because in real life, those AT&T employees aren't casually walking up to people who aren't even customers but are just hanging around because there's no place you'd rather be than a crowded, sweaty AT&T store filled with exhausted, stressed, bored customers and underpaid employees.

Oh, and "Employee of the Week?"  That wall is going to be completely covered inside of six months.  Then what?  The store going to find somewhere else to put framed professional photographs of the "employee of the week?"  I seriously doubt it.  "Employee of the Month" doesn't make much sense.  "Employee of the week" is another level of Implausible Stupidity. 

Oh, and I don't care who these people are.  Nor do I care how many YouTube Mouth-breathers "lost it" at the end because LOL OMG SO FUNNY.  This is dumb, dumb dumb and so are you idiots.  

Infinitely Insulting

 

This song is about a man who is heartbroken because the woman he loves is heading out on her own to explore the world without him.  It's not about a woman driving around in her LookAtMeMobile.  Cripes. 

I'm just hoping that Cat Stevens doesn't have control of this song anymore.  I'd hate to think of him as a sellout of this magnitude. 

And as for you YouTube commenters- I've said it before, I'll say it again:  What the hell is the matter with you people?

Nobody Out-pizzas the hut when it comes to minimalist advertising

 

Believe it or not, the "actually it's only ten bucks" sneer is the Official Punchline of this Nothing Commercial for Crappy Pizza.  Well good for you, Mr. Robinson, heaven holds a place for those who pick up a paycheck shilling for life-shortening garbage.  

But if you actually eat this stuff and don't just sell it to the stupid mouth-breathing audience (like that stupid kid who feeds you your cue,) well, sneer and snigger while you can, because your heart isn't going to last much longer.  For it's sake, I hope you just hold and praise this pizza (come to think of it, the pizza itself is barely even mentioned in any of these ads- just it's cost) and don't attempt to consume it, at least not on a regular basis.  Because- and I have to be blunt here- you're going to die soon unless you get that waistline under control.  There's nothing funny about morbid obesity.  A lot about it which is painful and life-shortening, but nothing funny.