TCM's annual gaudy "salute" to the troops

 

When Turner Classic Movies released this promo for their Memorial Day lineup of programming in 2007, the youngest World War II veterans were entering their Eighties and the youngest Korean War vets were entering their mid-70s.  The youngest Vietnam War vets were entering their fifties, not that Vietnam War vets have ever mattered to Turner Classic Movies when it comes to "honoring sacrifice." 

Fifteen years later, it's another Memorial Day Weekend and like clockwork we are being inundated with one World War II According to Hollywood film after another, because there's apparently no other way to show appreciation for our veterans than to remind the very few who are left that the United States used to fight honorable wars against real threats to humanity and that the 100 percent white American army saved the world from those threats without blinking an eye when called upon to do so because Back Then People Respected Authority and Loved the Flag and God.  

I've always wondered why any veteran of any war would want to be reminded every single year of what was almost certainly the Worst Years of their Lives, or why reminding people of those wars they once read about in textbooks is seen as such a vital mission by networks like TCM.  If I had seen combat in any war I think it's something I'd rather forget, not have shoved in my face by well-meaning networks or politicians or car dealerships.  Of course, the youngest World War II veteran (practically the entire TCM lineup this weekend is World War II-themed films) is in his mid-90s, so chances are that very, very few of them will be watching TCM this weekend anyway.  Here's hoping they are spending time with their great-grandchildren and eating big cheeseburgers at a picnic table instead.  They've earned it.  

Progressive, Jurassic World, and a lot of stupid crossover garbage.

 

Seems like every other commercial I've seen over the past few days has been some stupid Jurassic World crossover like this one, and I'm sure that with two weeks left before the latest Look at the CGI Dinosaurs summer blockbuster opens it's just something I'm going to have to get used to.

This one pretends that Progressive sells Dinosaur Damage insurance, which is about as believable as a commercial featuring people at a drive-in (and watching 1960s-style "let's all go to the snack bar" intermission ads.)  See, it's FUNNY because there's carnage and people screaming (and presumably being eaten off-screen, because if you've seen any of these stupid movies you know that the only thing dinosaurs ever did was attack and eat anything that moves, all the time.  Maybe that's why they became extinct- they were simultaneously exhausted and obese.)  So you should buy Progressive Insurance because look they spent big money trying to make some lame connection with a movie which, by the way, you should go see as soon as it opens.  And then go back to see several times because you've got so much money burning holes in your pocket.)

All would be forgiven if we saw a T-Rex gulp down Flo with one bite.  And then cough her back up because hey, dinosaurs have standards. 

Weight Watchers, "Points," and a long uncalled-for lecture on healthy eating. You're welcome.

 

Know why American Tourists tend to overspend when visiting Europe?  It's because everything is priced in Euros instead of American Dollars, and Euros are worth more than American Dollars, so if you don't constantly do the conversion in your head it's easy to con your brain into thinking that everything is cheaper Over There. 

I'm pretty sure that this is the same idea behind Weight Watchers "Point System."  You see, Calories are big scary things that convince people who are paying attention that they should cut back on portion sizes for anything that is at all good-tasting, because all that stuff has a lot of those awful, awful calories.  A milkshake from McDonalds all by itself has over 500 calories.  Have a Big Mac with that milkshake, and that's another 550 calories.  Get a medium bag of fries to top it off, and that's another 320 calories.  So just like that, a quick trip to the Drive Thru for lunch and you've banked 1370 calories for the day. 

BUT, if you calculate that meal using Weight Watchers points, you get much smaller, less imposing numbers:  18 for the Big Mac, 32 for the milkshake, and 10 for the fries.  That's 60 points instead of 1370 calories.  Which one makes you feel better about consuming?

Of course, the problem is that your body couldn't care less if you are counting calories, points, macros, or shadow length of the food you are consuming.  If you're going to eat this crap, is it really better to pretend that it's "not so bad" because hey Weight Watchers says I can have 100 points a day and this is "only" 60 points?  I doubt your doctor would agree.  

Know what Americans also consistently overrate?  The importance of exercise in maintaining a healthy weight.  Exercise has very little to do with weight loss or weight maintenance.  It's great for building a healthy heart and lungs, keeping muscles strong, maintaining flexibility, and all that; it's almost meaningless when it comes to losing weight.  The only thing that really matters if you want to lose weight or maintain a healthy weight is DIET.  Calories in, Calories out.  Or Points in, Points out, if you insist on following some gimmicky plan like Weight Watchers or Noom or Whatever.  You aren't going to sweat away that crap dinner you just shoveled down in your car on the way home from the Drive Thru even if it was "only" 60 points.  More likely you're going to burn off maybe one-fourth of it after a thirty minute run on the treadmill, that is if you even GET to the gym- you'll probably just go home and fall asleep after putting down THAT mess.  

I'm not a doctor or a dietician or a nutritionist and I don't charge for health advice because you get what you pay for.  But I still feel very comfortable in urging everyone not to try to trick their brains into thinking that they can eat "without restriction" all their favorite foods and still lose weight, because if your "favorite foods" include fast food, that stuff is designed to override your natural hunger cues and reprogram it to demand more junk the more you eat.  You can't Point Count your way to health unless you also very carefully police what you eat.  You can't Treadmill your way there, either.   You don't need a fancy, expensive meal plan (or even an App) to make sensible choices about the health of the only body you are ever going to have.  You just need to want it.  Good luck. 

The $5 Taco Bell Breakfast Box is just a really stupid idea

 

Here's what your five dollars buys you if you hand it to Taco Bell for this box of crap, according to the official Taco Bell website:  A "Grande Toasted Breakfast Burrito" which looks to have ground meat and eggs cooked in grease and wrapped in white bread, hash browns deep-fried in more grease, two "Cinnabon Delights," and "your choice of coffee or a medium fountain drink" (potentially even more calories in the form of sugar and milk.)

So let's see- there's a little protein here, but otherwise pretty much nothing but fat and empty carbohydrates, including sugary ones which are certain to spike your dopamine levels and program your brain to go back for more before lunchtime- hell, you'll be desperate to find a stale doughnut in the breakroom by the time to get to work.  You've given your kidneys a workout (well, at least SOME part of your body got one) and you've accelerated your skin's aging process.  And remember what I just said about dopamine?  Well, guess what- eating those "Cinnabon Delights" condemned you to be crazy-hungry all day long, as well as feeling sluggish and wanting a nap, which just encourages you to reach for more sugar and caffeine just to keep going.  Oh and by the way, unless you plan to run a marathon after work, you're almost certainly going to end the day in a calorie surplus- the box of greasy sugary sludge ranges from 880 to almost 1200 calories depending on how much milk and sugar you take with the coffee, and as I already implied, you've already started out your day by wiring your brain to demand that you keep eating.  

Seems to me that that Poison Breakfast in a Box cost you a lot more than five dollars if it wires your brain to want something similar for lunch and dinner, not to mention the sugary snacks you'll find yourself reaching for because your brain won't turn off the EAT command.  Hard pass on this one.*

*I've still never consumed anything from Taco Bell.  It doesn't look good.  I know it ISN'T good.  So why would I give this place my money?  Why would ANYBODY give this place their money???

Bell and Howell does it again!*

 

I appreciate the fact that Bell and Howell doesn't use the words "magic" or "miracle" to describe their little Bug Zapper which Doesn't Zap Bugs device, but I'm still left a bit confused about what I am seeing here.

First, why are these houses so infested with bugs in the first place? They look clean- I don't see overflowing garbage pails or dirty plates sitting around.  What is attracting all these bugs?  Are these houses next to landfills?  

Second, what kills the bugs?  I mean, how do I know that those bugs aren't going to just fly out the moment I open the machine up to "clean" it?  This isn't actually a bug zapper.  The light just attracts the bugs.  It basically just invites the bugs to hang out together in one place instead of bugging you.  How is it "Silent Bug Deadly" (I didn't make that awful pun; the commercial did.)  As far as I know, bugs don't just die of claustrophobia if you trap them in one place.  Sure they'll starve to death eventually, but after how long?  One commenter on a video reviewing this product suggested that the user should tape some fly paper to the bottom- that makes sense, but it also reinforces my idea that this thing just gets bugs out of the way.  It's not "deadly," unless the bugs die of boredom or something.

Third, I'm always suspicious when any As Seen on TV product is described as "whisper quiet."  I'm pretty sure it always means "gives off an audible hum you'll get used to, so get over it you stupid baby." Or maybe "Senior Citizens, who despite what you see in this ad are our target audience, can't hear anything so they won't hear this."  

Fourth, I'm also suspicious that we aren't told how much energy this thing uses.  It's a light AND a fan.  I'm sure it doesn't cripple the electrical grid like those "Dutch" "Fireplaces" do, but if it actually creates a powerful vacuum, I suspect the impact on the bill isn't Nothing. 

*that voice actor sure gets a lot of gigs, doesn't he?  Is there anything he HASN'T tried to sell us?

Know what else Hurts So Good, Pizza Hut? Diabetes. Heart Attacks. Fun stuff like that.

 

Based on the YouTube comments, nobody seems to really like these commercials featuring an obese man swooning over the latest entry of a diet which consists entirely of garbage take-out "pizza."  They seem to exist to make fun of or downright hate.  I guess it's just another example of there being no such thing as Bad Publicity?

And a question I see asked time and time again in these comment sections is "does he really eat this stuff?"  My first thought is "not likely."  My second is "no, but it's obvious he doesn't feed his body properly, and he doesn't move enough, it's very possible that he does spend a lot of time wearing sweatpants because that's the only thing he's comfortable in."  Which makes it even sadder that this clown has sold out to peddle Pizza Hut's version of Sugary Carbs and Fat in a box.  If he's not in total denial- or has bought in to Fat Activism/Fat Acceptance/Health At Every SizeTM- I wonder what he's thinking as he takes money to encourage viewers to consume this awful, life-shortening junk.  

This Heinz Commercial isn't terrible, but it still bothers me

 

So this is a nice commercial in that Dad doesn't do what Dads tend to do when kids do something that risks dirtying up their precious cars, instead taking the messiness in stride and enjoying seeing his little daughter being happy with her food in the back seat.  

But, being Me, I still can't help but wonder why the trip to the Drive-Thru didn't just include a stop off in the park so that Daddy and Daughter could have a little face to face time while she's eating that burger.  What's the big hurry that requires this little girl to open ketchup packets while riding in the back seat?  Sure they seem to be having fun, but it seems to me that they aren't having as MUCH fun as they would have if they just took my advice and found a nice place to eat lunch quietly, maybe even have a conversation in the process, instead of this rushed mess-waiting-to-happen.  Slow Down, Dad. You don't have to be glancing at your happy daughter using the rear-view mirror.   Wherever you're going with that kid, it will still be there if you arrive 20 minutes later.   Jeesh.