Selling Out + Applebees: You Ain't Seen 'Nothin Yet

 

Yep, I'm picking on Applebee's again....

Because once again, we have a classic song- this one from the 70s- which simply does not fit as a pitch for the item being promoted.  I mean, think about it- we're being told that if we think we've seen everything, hold on because here's a deal that offers a piece of steak and a dozen jumbo shrimp served on a plate at America's favorite Bland Sit Down Food Restaurant for Middle Income Families.  

Here's something, here's something, here's something you're never gonna forget, baby: grilled steak and shrimp.  Yeah, you'll be talking about this for years- mostly to yourself, as you've frightened away all of your friends within the first few weeks, weirdo.

Jeesh, Appleby's, just stop.  Nobody thinks your food tastes so good that it's "unforgettable"- and if anyone does, it's probably the same person who can't stop raving about the Chocolate Wonderfall that they are positive existed at Golden Corral and isn't part of a false memory from the pre-COVID era.  It's not terrible food, but it's not "unforgettable" either.  In fact, it's actually designed to be more forgettable than memorable, as in "let's make food that leaves people with the dim memory of a decent meal that they are pretty sure they thought was ok and more importantly didn't cost all that much.  You know, a Perfectly Acceptable but Absolutely Unspectacular (and CERTAINLY not "unforgettable") dining experience that might as well be repeated because Hey It's Not McDonald's. 

Applebee's, Robert Palmer, and there's no telling where the money went....

 

Come the 23rd of this month, Robert Palmer will have been dead for twenty years.* We can miss him while at the same time being grateful that he did not live to see one of his most iconic songs being used to sell bowls of warm carbohydrates and fat sprinkled with flavorless vegetables to people who want a dining experience somewhere between McDonald's and Ruth's Chris.  A song about a guy who realizes that a girl he once barely noticed is now someone he cannot live without because she is Simply Irresistible.

Here's a clue:  if you ever find the blandness of Applebee's (heck, they don't even have big screen tvs- you can eat exactly the same food AND be distracted by a football game if you just go to Buffalo Wild Wings) "simply irresistible," I suggest you seek therapy.  Or consider a Taste Implant.  Or just admit that you were raised in a lily-white suburb by a society that taught you to view restaurants like Applebee's as the affordable way to eat out using actual utensils.

*so where did the royalty money go?  His heirs, or the people who bought the rights to Mr. Palmer's songs from those heirs?  I don't really care, but there is some comfort in knowing that Palmer himself didn't sell out.

My Quick Answer To Pizza Hut's Stupid Question

 

"What are you afraid of?"

Before I get started- does Pizza Hut think that people haven't been buying this "let's find a way to stick more calories and fat in there" monstrosity because they are "afraid?"  Afraid of what?  (I'm going to answer that question in a minute, but I'd love to know what Pizza Hut thinks the answer is.)  It can't be "afraid to eat garbage," because there's nothing Americans are less afraid of.  It COULD be "afraid of encouraging this, because the next logical step would be for Pizza Hut to add cheese to their soda or just make the damn delivery box out of the stuff.  But here are my personal answers to the question "what are you afraid of:"

1.  Severe arthritis pain flares caused by overconsumption of sauce pumped full of processed sugar.  Seriously, my knee aches just watching this ad, and two slices of this garbage would have me wanting to saw my left ankle off.  For THIS?  Hard pass.

2.  Diabetes.  You know, the eighth-biggest cause of death in the United States. 

3.  Heart Disease.   You know, the number one cause of death in the United States.  Again, for THIS?

This Universally Hated Verizon Commercial....

Maybe it's because this commercial is running during EVERY ad break EVERY weekend during EVERY sporting event, but it sure is getting a lot of negative feedback.  Personally, I'd hate it even if I only saw it once, because of a single line uttered by the girl in this ad:  "I just told everyone."

First, what does that even mean?  You just told everyone on your contact list?  If so, may I ask why?  I can imagine my response if I got a text message from a friend which read "I just switched to Verizon."  It would be something like "why are you bothering me" or "why do I give a damn?"  And if that contact went on to praise the price, I'd assume that she gets a bonus for every person she refers or that she works for Verizon. 

Seriously, "I just switched to Verizon its OMG Amazing!" sounds like an MLM pitch to me.

Second, "letting everyone know" about Verizon is like "letting everyone know" about the availability of hamburgers at McDonald's at this point.  Like, no duh.  Verizon offers cell phone coverage.  Guess what, genius?  We have televisions and watch sporting events, too.  We see the same damn commercials you do.  Just because we aren't actually in them doesn't mean we don't see them.  I'm deleting you from my contact list.  

Picking on Dominos some more: the ultimate in First World Struggles

 

Imagine living in a country where food insecurity isn't a thing that exists in remote pockets but is simply a way of life for the great majority of inhabitants and being subjected to obnoxious garbage of this magnitude:  A guy picks up enough pizza for two dozen people for next to no money, but has to "struggle" to get it to his car which is parked twenty feet away from the building (I'm not using the term "restaurant") before he can drive to his suburban palace (complete with automatic sprinklers) in a pristine neighborhood surrounded by other suburban palaces and people who own their own automobiles.

And because it's such a "hassle" to pick up pre-made "food" (it has calories, so I guess I'd better concede the point here) and- let's be real- it's cheaper than hiring more delivery people- the guy we're watching gets a three-dollar "tip" for going through Said Hassle.  Because he deserves it.  Because he actually rolled his Personal Transportation Device to the Warm Carb Dispenser and picked up his own cardboard boxes of Sugar and Chemicals.  And we've already seen what a hassle that is.  Just a tip?  Not a medal?

The privilege.  It burns. 

A little friendly advice to Stacy- and Dominos

 

Stacy:  Maybe stop envisioning Dominos pizza as a viable food choice for a while.  Maybe get more fruits, veggies and protein and less starch, sugar, and such-wise empty carbs.  Because, I'm sorry, but in your own language, Stacy girl you ain't lookin' too good.  That pizza you had last night is not your friend.  That pizza you are heating up to eat today is not your friend.  Preparing healthy food and cooking for yourself is hard.  Diabetes is also hard.  Choose your Hard.

Dominos:  Could you stop being Stacy's drug dealer, please?  I know the delivery guy is not a therapist- heck, he's probably not even a Life Coach although I can't be certain because there are approximately as many Life Coaches out there as there are Amazon delivery drivers and I'd go to the latter for advice before the former.  But he's got to see that he's delivering disease and death to this woman every time he rings the bell.  Maybe stop trying to find ways to make it easier for Stacy to access your piles of cheap, warm junk for a while?  Maybe stop being part of a big problem for Stacy and approximately half of the population of the United States for just a LITTLE WHILE?

FanDuel is a part, and a product, of the times

 

Yes, every free-throw, extra point try and even COIN TOSS has a new element of excitement (and danger) to it when you've got money on the outcome.  And if you get caught up in the "adventure" of obsessively betting on every possible aspect of the game (like FanDuel is selling here as something that will make the experience of watching the game more "fun") I imagine it makes the hours spent watching whatever sporting event that's on the tube more impactful on your heart rate, blood pressure and economic situation.*

I thought watching sports was supposed to be a fun distraction from our usual routine of juggling challenges and time.  Does any of this make watching sports more "fun?"  I don't even notice the coin toss, and usually miss it because I haven't seated myself yet (actually, I listen to most sporting events while doing something else- like walking- so I can't even remember the last time I saw a coin toss.)  Is that a bad thing, and should I take advantage of an "opportunity" to be on the edge of my seat as a ref throws a coin into the air?  I half-watch games when I am not half-listening.  Would it be more "fun" if I were constantly glued to the screen with my fingers crossed or hands clasped in prayer every few seconds because I bet on the combined score at the end of the first quarter or the number of dropped passes inside of a random ten minutes of the game because the outcome would be the difference between having extra money to go to the movies on or making a minimum payment on my credit card?

Nowadays when the game is over, I turn off the TV or radio and go do something else (usually sleep.)  Would it be more fun if I was celebrating the effects of several hours of tenseness by counting up my winnings or cursing my mistakes in tallying up my losses?  Does drinking whiskey during a game make the game more fun?  I think the answer is the same. 

We are in an economically stressful time in this country.  We are seeing more and more ads for apps which encourage people to take out quick mortgages, make snap decisions to lease or buy new cars, get their paychecks a few days early, live off "cheap" fast food, invest in imaginary currency backed up by Nothing, and now risk their financial security (or HIT THE JACKPOT AND MAKE THE GAME MORE FUN!) by betting on sports.  All are signs of the times.  I don't like these times.  Nobody should like these times.  

*Just look at the scruffy idiot in this ad.  Don't try to convince me he's enjoying the sports-consuming experience.  I bet he used to, but he doesn't anymore.  Not since this addiction got hold of him.  Probably everyone at work knows exactly how he did by the look on his face every Monday morning.