Just another stupid AllState "Mayhem" Commercial....

 

According to YouTube (that's the extent of the research I'm willing to do today) this awful "mayhem" ad campaign is currently in it's twelfth year.   That's a milestone worth celebrating for some of the morons who comment on these ads, but personally I think they've gone from mildly amusing to Just Stop Already Obnoxious and they reached that destination quite some time ago.*

In this ad, some of the very worst child actors I've ever seen pretend to be Distracting Commercials for Birth Control while a harried, exhausted mom who pulled the short straw drives them to Pee Wee Football, that ridiculous joke of a way to spend an afternoon she's at least smart enough to not want to hang around to witness (I went to one of these games once.  There was a play run roughly three times per hour, with at least twenty minutes of delay due to injuries after Every. Single. Play.  An ambulance was called twice.  I am not kidding.  The game ended after two hours which felt like six with the score 0-0.  I can't even remember which nephew I was there to support.)  Because I guess AllState doesn't want to show an accident taking place while there are kids in the car, Exhausted Harried Mom doesn't damage the family SUV until AFTER the distraction has exited.  That this makes zero sense doesn't matter because Mr. Oh So Funny Mayhem Guy gets to do his "you'll have to pay for this if you called The General like most white suburban moms with brand new SUVs do Because That's How Reality Works" schtick. 

All of this makes me miss the looming dark presence of Karl Malden appearing to narrate the end of someone's dream vacation because they lost their wallets and didn't get American Express Traveler's Checks, whatever those are.  But like Pizza Hut commercials, this is just part of the cost of watching football on the weekends, I guess.  

*if you Google "Mayhem Ads" you'll find that someone with no respect for the treasure which is Time has actually compiled a ranking of all of them, from best to worst.  I am not kidding.  Someone did this. 

Pizza Hut: This is going to sound really mean, but it has to be said....

 

So a quick Google search tells me that Pizza Hut's ubiquitous spokeschoad forever draped in sweats that make him look like an exploded pizza delivery box is Craig Robinson.  According to Pizza Hut, Robinson uses his "joyful energy" to pitch diabetes cheap pizza to the masses in an apparently endless series of commercials that run roughly 14,000 times during whatever sporting event the masses happen to be watching this weekend.

Pizza Hut is seriously playing with fire here.  I don't know if Craig Robinson actually eats Pizza Hut pizza (I'm quite sure he isn't obsessed with it, like he is in these ads- seriously, at least Lily from AT&T is actually shown as an EMPLOYEE of AT&T when she gushes about the product she's pitching.)  But his character in these ads does nothing but talk up the virtues of empty carbs, grease, fat and sugar that comes right to his door and is super-easy on his wallet, costing only about a dollar per slice (notice that the price point- and never the quality of the product being pitched- is always the focus of these ads.  It's as if Robinson is willing to do only so much to add cash to that wallet of his.)  We are SUPPOSED to believe that Pizza Hut basically provides 100 percent of his calorie intake.  He's just always ordering, talking up, and eating Pizza Hut pizza.

So, Pizza Hut:  what is your plan if Mr. Robinson keels over from a heart attack, or reveals that he has developed full-blown Type 2 Diabetes, in the near future (like, before this particular ad campaign runs its course?)  What's your strategy for disassociating yourself from his fate?  I mean, you've hired a morbidly obese guy (someone with no taste might find funny, but no one in their right mind wants to look like) to be the face of your franchise.  What happens when all that adipose tissue inevitably creates serious health issues for that face?  You have an exit strategy?  Because every time I see this guy, I'm grateful that I don't own stock in your company.  I know that sounds mean, but it's hard for me to feel particularly sorry for 1.  A guy who HAS to know he's unhealthy making money promoting crap non-food as a cheap alternative to actual nutrition and 2.  A company that is raking in billions in profits peddling Obesity in a Box and would probably offer a free side of cigarettes with every $10 order if it were legal. 

This Volkswagen "Birds" Commercial- WTF did I just watch?

 

So this guy living in a multimillion-dollar home (seriously, why does EVERYONE in commercials live in ridiculous houses like this?) is irritated because he likes birds but never sees them.  Ok, fine- he's one of those weirdos who actually likes these flying droppings factories for some reason.  To each his own.

So he drives out into nature in his Volkswagen to look for birds, which is something he simply would not be able to do if he didn't own his Volkswagen, because no other type of transportation carries one from the suburbs to the countryside.  Does he find birds in nature?  I think it's implied that he does not. Or, at least, he doesn't find enough to suit him because in case you didn't pick it up from the awful treacly song that keeps playing, he likes birds.

So this guy heads off to Home Depot to buy wood and tools and paint and all this expensive stuff so that he can build bird houses and attract birds, which again would be completely impossible if he didn't own a Volkswagen Because Reasons.  He builds his bird houses and finally manages to attract birds that he can spy on to his heart's content.  Birds like Blue Jays, which will scare away every other kind of bird that tries to eat from those bird houses which are only inches from each other which is really stupid but I guess allow this guy to look at several of them with his binoculars which he's using even though the tree is RIGHT NEXT TO HIS HOUSE at the same time I'm so sick of writing about this commercial.

I guess this is all supposed to be cute, but the evidence that the main effect of this commercial is to kill off brain cells is revealed in the comments that follow.  Check it out.  This is about content-free as it gets, folks.  Which fits the commercial itself perfectly, doesn't it?

A brief take on this Babbel Commercial

 

1.  Generic "Spanish" music plays as a woman who might as well have an AMERICAN TOURIST sign around her neck peeks into a cafe/restaurant/whatever.

2.  American Tourist hasn't figured out that everyone in Europe speaks English.  I'm serious- I've been to four countries where the first language is not English- France, The Netherlands, Italy and Greece- and have yet to encounter a local who does not speak and understand the English language as well as I do.  The only time I had even the slightest difficulty was when I tried to order a milkshake in a small town in Greece- and the word "milkshake" was on the menu.  The 75-year old grandmother who sold me a novelty magnet near the Parthenon spoke English.  EVERYONE OVER THERE SPEAKS ENGLISH, especially the young (like this little girl we'll get to in another moment.)

3.  Cue Little Spanish Girl Stereotype speaking in broken English like she's an Indian in a 1940s American Western.  I guess I should be grateful that she didn't ask the Mysterious Stranger Woman if she's a Good Witch because she has a glowing talking box in her hand.  Little Spanish Girl Stereotype for some reason feels compelled to ask her about how she acquired Spanish Language Skills she doesn't actually have, because in Little Spanish Girl Stereotype's world, learning English is some kind of magic power and not something EVERYONE OVER THERE LEARNS IN SCHOOL.

(Or, LSGS is aware that only a tiny fraction of Americans are bilingual and believes that Americans have a unique learning disability and not a stubborn, jingoistic allergy to learning in general.)

4.  Wise Western Woman decides it's perfectly ok to touch a strange minor on the nose because LSGS is a prop or an animal at a petting zoo.   Seriously, who doesn't cringe when they see something like this?  That's a fellow human being, not an ornament to enhance your Exotic Journey through some Backward yet Fascinating Culture, you entitled twat.  Going to pat her head and get a selfie with her next?  Who the hell do you think you are?  

Chances are excellent that this LSGS hangs around in the kitchen of this restaurant waiting for stupid American tourists to blunder in so she can walk out and pull this "hello pretty people you are amazing than you for gracing us with your presence" garbage.  And Americans being Americans, we find this obvious play-acting just plain delightful and Here's a Dollar Go Buy Candy For Your Whole Family-worthy.  Chances are also excellent that in another moment, that little girl runs off with the thousand-dollar iPhone the stupid charmed tourist inexplicably let her handle.  Ugh, stupid woman- first you get separated from the tour group, then you hand your phone to a total stranger?  I suggest you just stay home next vacation.

Selling Out + Applebees: You Ain't Seen 'Nothin Yet

 

Yep, I'm picking on Applebee's again....

Because once again, we have a classic song- this one from the 70s- which simply does not fit as a pitch for the item being promoted.  I mean, think about it- we're being told that if we think we've seen everything, hold on because here's a deal that offers a piece of steak and a dozen jumbo shrimp served on a plate at America's favorite Bland Sit Down Food Restaurant for Middle Income Families.  

Here's something, here's something, here's something you're never gonna forget, baby: grilled steak and shrimp.  Yeah, you'll be talking about this for years- mostly to yourself, as you've frightened away all of your friends within the first few weeks, weirdo.

Jeesh, Appleby's, just stop.  Nobody thinks your food tastes so good that it's "unforgettable"- and if anyone does, it's probably the same person who can't stop raving about the Chocolate Wonderfall that they are positive existed at Golden Corral and isn't part of a false memory from the pre-COVID era.  It's not terrible food, but it's not "unforgettable" either.  In fact, it's actually designed to be more forgettable than memorable, as in "let's make food that leaves people with the dim memory of a decent meal that they are pretty sure they thought was ok and more importantly didn't cost all that much.  You know, a Perfectly Acceptable but Absolutely Unspectacular (and CERTAINLY not "unforgettable") dining experience that might as well be repeated because Hey It's Not McDonald's. 

Applebee's, Robert Palmer, and there's no telling where the money went....

 

Come the 23rd of this month, Robert Palmer will have been dead for twenty years.* We can miss him while at the same time being grateful that he did not live to see one of his most iconic songs being used to sell bowls of warm carbohydrates and fat sprinkled with flavorless vegetables to people who want a dining experience somewhere between McDonald's and Ruth's Chris.  A song about a guy who realizes that a girl he once barely noticed is now someone he cannot live without because she is Simply Irresistible.

Here's a clue:  if you ever find the blandness of Applebee's (heck, they don't even have big screen tvs- you can eat exactly the same food AND be distracted by a football game if you just go to Buffalo Wild Wings) "simply irresistible," I suggest you seek therapy.  Or consider a Taste Implant.  Or just admit that you were raised in a lily-white suburb by a society that taught you to view restaurants like Applebee's as the affordable way to eat out using actual utensils.

*so where did the royalty money go?  His heirs, or the people who bought the rights to Mr. Palmer's songs from those heirs?  I don't really care, but there is some comfort in knowing that Palmer himself didn't sell out.

My Quick Answer To Pizza Hut's Stupid Question

 

"What are you afraid of?"

Before I get started- does Pizza Hut think that people haven't been buying this "let's find a way to stick more calories and fat in there" monstrosity because they are "afraid?"  Afraid of what?  (I'm going to answer that question in a minute, but I'd love to know what Pizza Hut thinks the answer is.)  It can't be "afraid to eat garbage," because there's nothing Americans are less afraid of.  It COULD be "afraid of encouraging this, because the next logical step would be for Pizza Hut to add cheese to their soda or just make the damn delivery box out of the stuff.  But here are my personal answers to the question "what are you afraid of:"

1.  Severe arthritis pain flares caused by overconsumption of sauce pumped full of processed sugar.  Seriously, my knee aches just watching this ad, and two slices of this garbage would have me wanting to saw my left ankle off.  For THIS?  Hard pass.

2.  Diabetes.  You know, the eighth-biggest cause of death in the United States. 

3.  Heart Disease.   You know, the number one cause of death in the United States.  Again, for THIS?