Pizza Hut's "Detroit Style Pizza"- no, I don't get it

 

What exactly is "Detroit Style" pizza?  Judging from what I see in this ad, I get the idea that "Detroit Style" refers to the idea that the two assclowns on screen actually live in the Detroit suburbs and were able to buy their suburban McMansions for pennies on the dollar because the auto manufacturing-dependent economy has collapsed around them.  I see them toasting their ability to take advantage of a slow-motion financial disaster with their crappy pizza, kind of a "we purchased someone else's American dream with change we found in our couches, and now we're just here guarding our new property until we can flip it" opportunism.

I also see two people so obsessed with this garbage "pizza" that they can't even get back into their misbegotten property before opening the boxes and grabbing a slice.  This is called "addiction" and both of them need serious help, fast.  Or maybe they just feel like being addicts is all part of the "Detroit Style" and they think that sugar, fat and carbs make a slightly healthier fix than meth?

Why is Kevin Hart on every commercial now?

 

If I ever find myself at the same table as a multi-millionaire, I'm not going to push back when he offers to pick up my tab.  I am, however, going to wonder why he's telling me about getting three percent back on his purchases on his credit card.  I mean, he's a multi-millionaire.  Come on. 

That being said, is this guy so popular that he deserves endorsement contracts from every company that purchases advertisement space on television?  At this point, he's more ubiquitous than Pat Mahomes and Peyton Manning combined.  I don't think I see Samuel L Jackson yelling about what's in my wallet as often as I see this idiot doing his best Stepin Fetchit impersonation while selling whatever he's selling.  No accounting for taste, I guess...

What passes as Progressive these days...

 

I don't know why the guy even bothered to argue.  If you didn't know that this ad would end with the woman being proven right, you haven't watched tv since the 1960s.  Women= Smart, Men= So Dumb they'd probably cut themselves on Jell-O if they didn't manage to get themselves married to one of those Smart Women has been the rule on TV commercials since I was around ten years old.  I guess it's payback for a decade or so of "Women=Frivolous, Silly Little Girls Who do nothing but burn dinner, make awful coffee, put dents in the car and bounce checks*" ads that dominated tv until this 180 degree turn made on the theory that two wrongs make a right.

*ask your parents what those are, kids. 

Some dark thoughts concerning this Miller Lite "signs" commercial

 

1.  Why do I get the idea that the guy who wants to buy beer has absolutely nothing going on in his life, and this beer is just something he needs to get through his miserable existence?  

2.  Why does the guy operating the store care what kind of beer the customer wants to buy?  Does he get a kickback from Miller for every case he sells?  I mean, he's allowed Miller to use 90 percent of the store to advertise it's product, so it's not implausible.  

3.  Why would the customer care about all the signs?  If I walked into a store to buy a Snicker's bar and saw a thousand signs for Milky Ways, it wouldn't make me want to buy a Milky Way instead.  Not even if the guy at the counter gave me a dirty look and reminded me of all the Milky Way signs.  If he pushed the issue, I'd ask him why he was even bothering to sell candy bars that aren't Milky Ways if he was going to cop an attitude every time someone dared to buy something other than a Milky Way. 

4.  Why do I get the idea that the guy operating the store is five minutes away from sticking a gun into his mouth and just ending his own sorry existence?  Seriously, both of these people strike me as being in a really, really bad place.  

5.  "I Saw The Sign" by Ace of Base.  Yes, I get it.  Not subtle, and certainly not clever.  And there's no way that song is playing on the speakers- or maybe it is, and that explains the "I want to die" look on the manager's face?

Just another stupid AllState "Mayhem" Commercial....

 

According to YouTube (that's the extent of the research I'm willing to do today) this awful "mayhem" ad campaign is currently in it's twelfth year.   That's a milestone worth celebrating for some of the morons who comment on these ads, but personally I think they've gone from mildly amusing to Just Stop Already Obnoxious and they reached that destination quite some time ago.*

In this ad, some of the very worst child actors I've ever seen pretend to be Distracting Commercials for Birth Control while a harried, exhausted mom who pulled the short straw drives them to Pee Wee Football, that ridiculous joke of a way to spend an afternoon she's at least smart enough to not want to hang around to witness (I went to one of these games once.  There was a play run roughly three times per hour, with at least twenty minutes of delay due to injuries after Every. Single. Play.  An ambulance was called twice.  I am not kidding.  The game ended after two hours which felt like six with the score 0-0.  I can't even remember which nephew I was there to support.)  Because I guess AllState doesn't want to show an accident taking place while there are kids in the car, Exhausted Harried Mom doesn't damage the family SUV until AFTER the distraction has exited.  That this makes zero sense doesn't matter because Mr. Oh So Funny Mayhem Guy gets to do his "you'll have to pay for this if you called The General like most white suburban moms with brand new SUVs do Because That's How Reality Works" schtick. 

All of this makes me miss the looming dark presence of Karl Malden appearing to narrate the end of someone's dream vacation because they lost their wallets and didn't get American Express Traveler's Checks, whatever those are.  But like Pizza Hut commercials, this is just part of the cost of watching football on the weekends, I guess.  

*if you Google "Mayhem Ads" you'll find that someone with no respect for the treasure which is Time has actually compiled a ranking of all of them, from best to worst.  I am not kidding.  Someone did this. 

Pizza Hut: This is going to sound really mean, but it has to be said....

 

So a quick Google search tells me that Pizza Hut's ubiquitous spokeschoad forever draped in sweats that make him look like an exploded pizza delivery box is Craig Robinson.  According to Pizza Hut, Robinson uses his "joyful energy" to pitch diabetes cheap pizza to the masses in an apparently endless series of commercials that run roughly 14,000 times during whatever sporting event the masses happen to be watching this weekend.

Pizza Hut is seriously playing with fire here.  I don't know if Craig Robinson actually eats Pizza Hut pizza (I'm quite sure he isn't obsessed with it, like he is in these ads- seriously, at least Lily from AT&T is actually shown as an EMPLOYEE of AT&T when she gushes about the product she's pitching.)  But his character in these ads does nothing but talk up the virtues of empty carbs, grease, fat and sugar that comes right to his door and is super-easy on his wallet, costing only about a dollar per slice (notice that the price point- and never the quality of the product being pitched- is always the focus of these ads.  It's as if Robinson is willing to do only so much to add cash to that wallet of his.)  We are SUPPOSED to believe that Pizza Hut basically provides 100 percent of his calorie intake.  He's just always ordering, talking up, and eating Pizza Hut pizza.

So, Pizza Hut:  what is your plan if Mr. Robinson keels over from a heart attack, or reveals that he has developed full-blown Type 2 Diabetes, in the near future (like, before this particular ad campaign runs its course?)  What's your strategy for disassociating yourself from his fate?  I mean, you've hired a morbidly obese guy (someone with no taste might find funny, but no one in their right mind wants to look like) to be the face of your franchise.  What happens when all that adipose tissue inevitably creates serious health issues for that face?  You have an exit strategy?  Because every time I see this guy, I'm grateful that I don't own stock in your company.  I know that sounds mean, but it's hard for me to feel particularly sorry for 1.  A guy who HAS to know he's unhealthy making money promoting crap non-food as a cheap alternative to actual nutrition and 2.  A company that is raking in billions in profits peddling Obesity in a Box and would probably offer a free side of cigarettes with every $10 order if it were legal. 

This Volkswagen "Birds" Commercial- WTF did I just watch?

 

So this guy living in a multimillion-dollar home (seriously, why does EVERYONE in commercials live in ridiculous houses like this?) is irritated because he likes birds but never sees them.  Ok, fine- he's one of those weirdos who actually likes these flying droppings factories for some reason.  To each his own.

So he drives out into nature in his Volkswagen to look for birds, which is something he simply would not be able to do if he didn't own his Volkswagen, because no other type of transportation carries one from the suburbs to the countryside.  Does he find birds in nature?  I think it's implied that he does not. Or, at least, he doesn't find enough to suit him because in case you didn't pick it up from the awful treacly song that keeps playing, he likes birds.

So this guy heads off to Home Depot to buy wood and tools and paint and all this expensive stuff so that he can build bird houses and attract birds, which again would be completely impossible if he didn't own a Volkswagen Because Reasons.  He builds his bird houses and finally manages to attract birds that he can spy on to his heart's content.  Birds like Blue Jays, which will scare away every other kind of bird that tries to eat from those bird houses which are only inches from each other which is really stupid but I guess allow this guy to look at several of them with his binoculars which he's using even though the tree is RIGHT NEXT TO HIS HOUSE at the same time I'm so sick of writing about this commercial.

I guess this is all supposed to be cute, but the evidence that the main effect of this commercial is to kill off brain cells is revealed in the comments that follow.  Check it out.  This is about content-free as it gets, folks.  Which fits the commercial itself perfectly, doesn't it?