Society Folds faster than the latest dumb Galaxy device.

 

Well, I guess one smartphone company decided that adding another camera or making its product slimmer or removing the earphone jack just wasn't a stupid enough "improvement" to justify another rollout to the Always Eager to Spend to Hell with Retirement Funds masses.  So instead, we get what I really hope turns out to be the dumbest gimmick ever (yes, even dumber than that phone which could project images on to a wall so that you could show everyone the new Avatar trailer.  Remember that one?  What was that, ten years ago?  I think it was more than that, actually.)

This phone- um, "folds."  Not in the cool way that the old phones did which allowed you to pretend you were on Star Trek trying to contact Scotty to have him beam you up (everyone did with flip phones, not just me.  Everyone did.  Shut Up.)  But in a really really stupid way which I guess features a flexible (not at all delicate, of course) screen which is a valuable upgrade Because Reasons, those Reasons being People Will Notice Your Cool Phone.

I hate everyone in this ad.  I hate everyone who had anything to do with this ad.  I hate everyone who is commenting about how much they love this ad and love this phone (because I know that nobody commenting that they love the phone actually owns one.)  Most of all, I hate the Western World for being this Stupid.  Come on, people.  There's got to be more to life than falling for shiny electronic trinkets like this.  I can guarantee you that there's a lot more to life than BUYING these shiny electronic trinkets.  But I can't guarantee that there's more to YOUR life, because I don't know you.  I just know I hate you.

Ceasars Sportsbook, DraftKings, etc. are normalizing very dangerous behavior.

 

Seems like yesterday that gambling was seen as a serious problem among a tiny sliver of the American populace; something that Bob in Accounting was sadly addicted to and which had ended any chance he had at a stable relationship and which would ultimately result in his dismissal from the firm because he was considered too High Risk to be allowed around company money.  It was one of those Shameful Issues you whispered about at family reunions along with another member's alcohol problem or chronic philandering.  It was something the More Odd people you knew did from time to time during trips to Las Vegas, a place you had no real interest in going to because pretty much the only thing to do there was risk your hard-earned money spinning wheels, rolling dice and pulling levers while being assaulted by endless blinking lights, clanging bells and sirens, sirens, sirens. 

All of a sudden, gambling is mainstream, fun and easy.  You can do it from your laptop or your phone.  You can bet on every play in every game and you don't have to feel all dirty inside because you called a bookie.  You can use a credit card so there's no fear of someone showing up to break your legs when you lose and are short on cash.  And best of all, pretty much every sports "hero" you've ever liked is on television telling you how awesome it all is- look, it's the Manning brothers!  Everyone loves the Manning brothers!

These bloodsuckers just-for-entertainment gambling sites even use the favorite strategy of every successful drug dealer ever, giving out free samples to get you hooked.  What's not to like?  Well, I mean, other than the gambling addiction which must by definition leave the vast majority of Users poorer- but hey, that's why there's that tiny disclaimer with the 800 number about dealing with that gambling addiction that you can almost read if you freeze the screen and squint really, really hard. 

And if ads glamorizing gambling weren't enough, well, entire NFL pregame shows are dedicated to showing you how easy it is to "beat the system" if you just invest more of your time in devouring stats which by the way are sponsored by those gambling sites.  Yeah, nothing socially isolating about any of this.  Personally, I think I'd rather have someone in my family addicted to cigarettes or painkillers than getting into this time-and-wallet vampire crap.  

The market is down again, which means 401(k)s are down again.  When the economy sinks, three industries soar:  Dollar Stores, Pawn Shops, and Gambling.  Use of only one is designated an addiction.  This is not going to end well for anybody. 

Pizza Hut's "Detroit Style Pizza"- no, I don't get it

 

What exactly is "Detroit Style" pizza?  Judging from what I see in this ad, I get the idea that "Detroit Style" refers to the idea that the two assclowns on screen actually live in the Detroit suburbs and were able to buy their suburban McMansions for pennies on the dollar because the auto manufacturing-dependent economy has collapsed around them.  I see them toasting their ability to take advantage of a slow-motion financial disaster with their crappy pizza, kind of a "we purchased someone else's American dream with change we found in our couches, and now we're just here guarding our new property until we can flip it" opportunism.

I also see two people so obsessed with this garbage "pizza" that they can't even get back into their misbegotten property before opening the boxes and grabbing a slice.  This is called "addiction" and both of them need serious help, fast.  Or maybe they just feel like being addicts is all part of the "Detroit Style" and they think that sugar, fat and carbs make a slightly healthier fix than meth?

Why is Kevin Hart on every commercial now?

 

If I ever find myself at the same table as a multi-millionaire, I'm not going to push back when he offers to pick up my tab.  I am, however, going to wonder why he's telling me about getting three percent back on his purchases on his credit card.  I mean, he's a multi-millionaire.  Come on. 

That being said, is this guy so popular that he deserves endorsement contracts from every company that purchases advertisement space on television?  At this point, he's more ubiquitous than Pat Mahomes and Peyton Manning combined.  I don't think I see Samuel L Jackson yelling about what's in my wallet as often as I see this idiot doing his best Stepin Fetchit impersonation while selling whatever he's selling.  No accounting for taste, I guess...

What passes as Progressive these days...

 

I don't know why the guy even bothered to argue.  If you didn't know that this ad would end with the woman being proven right, you haven't watched tv since the 1960s.  Women= Smart, Men= So Dumb they'd probably cut themselves on Jell-O if they didn't manage to get themselves married to one of those Smart Women has been the rule on TV commercials since I was around ten years old.  I guess it's payback for a decade or so of "Women=Frivolous, Silly Little Girls Who do nothing but burn dinner, make awful coffee, put dents in the car and bounce checks*" ads that dominated tv until this 180 degree turn made on the theory that two wrongs make a right.

*ask your parents what those are, kids. 

Some dark thoughts concerning this Miller Lite "signs" commercial

 

1.  Why do I get the idea that the guy who wants to buy beer has absolutely nothing going on in his life, and this beer is just something he needs to get through his miserable existence?  

2.  Why does the guy operating the store care what kind of beer the customer wants to buy?  Does he get a kickback from Miller for every case he sells?  I mean, he's allowed Miller to use 90 percent of the store to advertise it's product, so it's not implausible.  

3.  Why would the customer care about all the signs?  If I walked into a store to buy a Snicker's bar and saw a thousand signs for Milky Ways, it wouldn't make me want to buy a Milky Way instead.  Not even if the guy at the counter gave me a dirty look and reminded me of all the Milky Way signs.  If he pushed the issue, I'd ask him why he was even bothering to sell candy bars that aren't Milky Ways if he was going to cop an attitude every time someone dared to buy something other than a Milky Way. 

4.  Why do I get the idea that the guy operating the store is five minutes away from sticking a gun into his mouth and just ending his own sorry existence?  Seriously, both of these people strike me as being in a really, really bad place.  

5.  "I Saw The Sign" by Ace of Base.  Yes, I get it.  Not subtle, and certainly not clever.  And there's no way that song is playing on the speakers- or maybe it is, and that explains the "I want to die" look on the manager's face?

Just another stupid AllState "Mayhem" Commercial....

 

According to YouTube (that's the extent of the research I'm willing to do today) this awful "mayhem" ad campaign is currently in it's twelfth year.   That's a milestone worth celebrating for some of the morons who comment on these ads, but personally I think they've gone from mildly amusing to Just Stop Already Obnoxious and they reached that destination quite some time ago.*

In this ad, some of the very worst child actors I've ever seen pretend to be Distracting Commercials for Birth Control while a harried, exhausted mom who pulled the short straw drives them to Pee Wee Football, that ridiculous joke of a way to spend an afternoon she's at least smart enough to not want to hang around to witness (I went to one of these games once.  There was a play run roughly three times per hour, with at least twenty minutes of delay due to injuries after Every. Single. Play.  An ambulance was called twice.  I am not kidding.  The game ended after two hours which felt like six with the score 0-0.  I can't even remember which nephew I was there to support.)  Because I guess AllState doesn't want to show an accident taking place while there are kids in the car, Exhausted Harried Mom doesn't damage the family SUV until AFTER the distraction has exited.  That this makes zero sense doesn't matter because Mr. Oh So Funny Mayhem Guy gets to do his "you'll have to pay for this if you called The General like most white suburban moms with brand new SUVs do Because That's How Reality Works" schtick. 

All of this makes me miss the looming dark presence of Karl Malden appearing to narrate the end of someone's dream vacation because they lost their wallets and didn't get American Express Traveler's Checks, whatever those are.  But like Pizza Hut commercials, this is just part of the cost of watching football on the weekends, I guess.  

*if you Google "Mayhem Ads" you'll find that someone with no respect for the treasure which is Time has actually compiled a ranking of all of them, from best to worst.  I am not kidding.  Someone did this.