Taco Bell Knows Americans

 

And what is it that Taco Bell knows about Americans?  That it's all about Quantity, not Quality.  That's why these commercials focus on cost, not taste.  Taco Bell is well aware that its customers will never rave about the actual taste of the "food" they are shoveling into their mouths (the food which is gradually killing them, but yeah keep answering that bell, America.)  What keeps them coming back (besides the addictive nature of the calories they are consuming) is the price.  Taco Bell is all about providing increasingly large amounts of fat, sugar and carbs for the least amount of immediate damage to one's wallet (of course, over time this type of diet is EXTREMELY expensive, because the food is not at all filling and, as pointed out early, very addicting....plus there are the medical bills coming down the road, because seriously, your body can't do this forever....)  Busy, lazy, and/or poor Americans aren't interested in an actual dining experience featuring actual nutrition.  They ARE interested- or, again, ADDICTED TO- fast calories that stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain short-term.  The crash that comes later?  Well, that's just another bell going off telling them to go get more.  Win-win for Taco Bell, Lose-Lose for the rest of us. 

And here's the kicker- the more stressed and economically marginalized the country gets, the better Taco Bell- truly the Dollar Store of fast food- does in blowing past its profit projections.  More stock is sold at a higher price, and the money can be used to make more commercials and draw in more hungry dupes.  Talk about a vicious cycle....

Coca Cola Cringe

 

I have to give a rare Shout Out to one of the YouTube commenters reacting to this garbage- it's the one who posts "Guyssss you keep getting in my shots!  How am I gonna be cringe and unoriginal on tiktok if you won't let me finish?"

Yes, exactly. This girl doesn't need privacy and time to create something of value. She just wants to jump around for a few seconds in the hopes of going viral or whatever the Zoomer Generation calls it. And she's repeatedly thwarted by her idiot family and friends who are just going about their everyday activities- ordering junk "food" to be delivered because preparing meals is something the uncool old fogies did back in the day.

I hope I'm not triggering this girl by suggesting that maybe the universe is trying to tell her something with all of these interruptions- like, put the phone away, put the light away, and go be part of that family you share a house with instead of working so hard to make a fool of yourself in front of the planet. Just a thought. Oh, and skip that huge cup of diabetes your parents purchased for you Because They Love You. They meant well, it's the thought that counts, and if you wait till they leave the room before pouring it down the drain they'll be none the wiser.

I don't see a can anywhere in this Yummy Can Potatoes ad. Just one huge Can't which is a deal-breaker.

 

My goal in life is to someday be as happy about ANYTHING as this woman is about being able to "bake" potatoes in her microwave.  Seriously, now this is a woman who set the bar very, very low and is better off because she did. 

I notice that the word "crisp" is not heard anywhere in this ad, and if this thing can't produce baked potatoes with crispy skin- and it can't- it's not anything I'm interested in.  That gigantic piece of steak they are being served with looks very nice, though.  

And I find it very funny that the last thirty seconds of this ad isn't about the product, but just a few of the amazingly tasty ways that one could prepare potatoes.  Sour cream and chives?  Butter and salt?  Quick, let me write these down!

4imprint.com's "Moment" we all tolerate out of a false sense of obligation.

 

Watch this commercial without the sound on, and see if you don't come up with exactly the same conclusions that I did:

Girl carrying the basket:  "I can't believe it's come to this.  I had hopes and dreams.  I was going to have a great career.  For a while I thought I was gonna be an engineer* even!  And look at me now- in my late 20s, with a Master's Degree, carrying a basket of cheap disposable garbage with some soulless company's name on it across the room to give to someone who will probably chuck it into the nearest trash can as soon as my back is turned."

Girl receiving the basket: "Oh god, what is with it with these companies and their insistence on sending people off with crap with their logo on it?  Like I don't have enough umbrellas that break with the first rain or travel mugs that make coffee taste funny and leak and end up sitting in the cupholder for a year because I never remember to bring it inside or sitting in the break room because I never remember to put it back in the car or ugly pullovers I wouldn't wear if I was freezing to death.  And a whole damn BASKET full of this trash?  Maybe the basket has some utility.  How far do I have to carry the contents before I find a dumpster big enough to ditch it in?"

I do appreciate the fake frozen smiles on both of these women at least.  They look seriously deranged, or at least like they both know the other is playing a stupid role in a charade they'd rather skip but can't because this is still a weird ritual businesses go through for some reason. 

*shoutout to Peggy Seeger.

Society Folds faster than the latest dumb Galaxy device.

 

Well, I guess one smartphone company decided that adding another camera or making its product slimmer or removing the earphone jack just wasn't a stupid enough "improvement" to justify another rollout to the Always Eager to Spend to Hell with Retirement Funds masses.  So instead, we get what I really hope turns out to be the dumbest gimmick ever (yes, even dumber than that phone which could project images on to a wall so that you could show everyone the new Avatar trailer.  Remember that one?  What was that, ten years ago?  I think it was more than that, actually.)

This phone- um, "folds."  Not in the cool way that the old phones did which allowed you to pretend you were on Star Trek trying to contact Scotty to have him beam you up (everyone did with flip phones, not just me.  Everyone did.  Shut Up.)  But in a really really stupid way which I guess features a flexible (not at all delicate, of course) screen which is a valuable upgrade Because Reasons, those Reasons being People Will Notice Your Cool Phone.

I hate everyone in this ad.  I hate everyone who had anything to do with this ad.  I hate everyone who is commenting about how much they love this ad and love this phone (because I know that nobody commenting that they love the phone actually owns one.)  Most of all, I hate the Western World for being this Stupid.  Come on, people.  There's got to be more to life than falling for shiny electronic trinkets like this.  I can guarantee you that there's a lot more to life than BUYING these shiny electronic trinkets.  But I can't guarantee that there's more to YOUR life, because I don't know you.  I just know I hate you.

Ceasars Sportsbook, DraftKings, etc. are normalizing very dangerous behavior.

 

Seems like yesterday that gambling was seen as a serious problem among a tiny sliver of the American populace; something that Bob in Accounting was sadly addicted to and which had ended any chance he had at a stable relationship and which would ultimately result in his dismissal from the firm because he was considered too High Risk to be allowed around company money.  It was one of those Shameful Issues you whispered about at family reunions along with another member's alcohol problem or chronic philandering.  It was something the More Odd people you knew did from time to time during trips to Las Vegas, a place you had no real interest in going to because pretty much the only thing to do there was risk your hard-earned money spinning wheels, rolling dice and pulling levers while being assaulted by endless blinking lights, clanging bells and sirens, sirens, sirens. 

All of a sudden, gambling is mainstream, fun and easy.  You can do it from your laptop or your phone.  You can bet on every play in every game and you don't have to feel all dirty inside because you called a bookie.  You can use a credit card so there's no fear of someone showing up to break your legs when you lose and are short on cash.  And best of all, pretty much every sports "hero" you've ever liked is on television telling you how awesome it all is- look, it's the Manning brothers!  Everyone loves the Manning brothers!

These bloodsuckers just-for-entertainment gambling sites even use the favorite strategy of every successful drug dealer ever, giving out free samples to get you hooked.  What's not to like?  Well, I mean, other than the gambling addiction which must by definition leave the vast majority of Users poorer- but hey, that's why there's that tiny disclaimer with the 800 number about dealing with that gambling addiction that you can almost read if you freeze the screen and squint really, really hard. 

And if ads glamorizing gambling weren't enough, well, entire NFL pregame shows are dedicated to showing you how easy it is to "beat the system" if you just invest more of your time in devouring stats which by the way are sponsored by those gambling sites.  Yeah, nothing socially isolating about any of this.  Personally, I think I'd rather have someone in my family addicted to cigarettes or painkillers than getting into this time-and-wallet vampire crap.  

The market is down again, which means 401(k)s are down again.  When the economy sinks, three industries soar:  Dollar Stores, Pawn Shops, and Gambling.  Use of only one is designated an addiction.  This is not going to end well for anybody. 

Pizza Hut's "Detroit Style Pizza"- no, I don't get it

 

What exactly is "Detroit Style" pizza?  Judging from what I see in this ad, I get the idea that "Detroit Style" refers to the idea that the two assclowns on screen actually live in the Detroit suburbs and were able to buy their suburban McMansions for pennies on the dollar because the auto manufacturing-dependent economy has collapsed around them.  I see them toasting their ability to take advantage of a slow-motion financial disaster with their crappy pizza, kind of a "we purchased someone else's American dream with change we found in our couches, and now we're just here guarding our new property until we can flip it" opportunism.

I also see two people so obsessed with this garbage "pizza" that they can't even get back into their misbegotten property before opening the boxes and grabbing a slice.  This is called "addiction" and both of them need serious help, fast.  Or maybe they just feel like being addicts is all part of the "Detroit Style" and they think that sugar, fat and carbs make a slightly healthier fix than meth?