LeBron, Lilly, and thirty seconds of pointless noise

To answer an all-too-common question in the comment section:  No, LeBron James and Lilly did NOT film this commercial together.  They are never in the same room during their takes.  Not even once.  I mean, that's obvious- but I had to say it anyway, because OMG some of you people are dense.

But more to the point, why was this ad even made?  Oh right, because LeBron James agreed to mouth a few lines in front of a camera which could then be spliced in with everyone's favorite Yesterday's Darling Lilly (seriously, enough already.  Let's move on please.)  And got paid with more money than most of us make in several years for doing it.  The result is a cringe-fest which is hard to watch and even harder to listen to.  And an ad that makes both people extremely punchable.  And making the audience very jealous of the fact that they never had to be in the same room together.  We'd like to avoid this too, but as long as we are addicted to watching sports on the weekend, we are kind of stuck with both of them.

That Taco Bell "apology" commercial with Pete Davidson misses the point.

 

So Taco Bell is "apologizing" for its "complicated" breakfast options- I think they are specifically aiming at some waffle monstrosity that just didn't land well with its audience.  So Pete Davidson is here to let us know that TB is going "back to basics" with something that a bachelor would make in his own kitchen with ingredients he found in the fridge- eggs, sausage and potatoes, all stacked on top of each other and wrapped in bread.  For a very low price, I assume.  I don't know for sure, because I'm pretty sure I've never been to Taco Bell.

To me, this is like Alex Jones apologizing for his vocal fry.  Taco Bell owes us an apology, but not for "overly complicating" breakfast.  Taco Bell owes the country an apology for its generous contribution to our obesity epidemic, something it seems determined instead to continue to feed (no pun intended) with highly-palatable, calorie-dense garbage disguised as a "simple" breakfast.  Promoted by an overrated comedian some of us kind of remember from SNL, maybe.  

Um, thanks for the "apology," Taco Bell.  Insulin is still really expensive though.  

An Extra-Stupid Gum Commercial

 

1.  I've never once had a waiter ask "one bill or separate?"  The waiter just brings the bill.  What the hell kind of vibe did the waiter pick up from this couple that made him think that maybe they were going Dutch Treat?

2.  So the question causes the male on the date to panic.  Why?  What was the conversation about all dinner?  Was it about Toxic Masculinity?  I mean, what could possibly have been the topic of discussion to make this poor shlub react in such a way to a simple (though perplexing in that it comes from the waiter) question?

3.  Poor shlub reacts to the question- and his panic- by jamming a piece of gum in his mouth, to buy time I guess.  Yeah, sorry, buddy, but you've already blown it.  At this point you might as well say "separate checks, please" because you aren't seeing this particular girl again, ever.  Nobody is desperate enough to come back from more of this nonsense.

Learn your lesson, buddy.  Guys pay.  Just pick up the check, and if your date objects, apologize and agree to separate bills- but try to pick up the check first.  This isn't rocket science.  Oh, and save the gum- despite your actions on this night, you aren't twelve years old.  You shouldn't be worrying about your mom smelling alcohol on your breath.  Grow up.  And better luck next time. 

"The Terminal" (2004) and a fantasy sponsored by Burger King

 

Oh sure- in 2004, a hamburger at an airport terminal Burger King cost 74 cents.  Of course it did.  And a full meal including a Whopper, salad, fries and a drink cost what looks like five dollars in quarters- uh huh, sure I totally buy that. 

Come on.  I've been in plenty of airports over the years.  The prices are ridiculously inflated- after all, you're limited in your options, you're traveling, you're either in a hurry or you're stuck waiting for a delayed flight but (like Tom Hanks' character here) you really can't leave to seek cheaper facilities elsewhere.  It's like eating in a sports complex- you take what you can get and you pay what they want to charge.  

This scene exists because Hanks' character had three quarters and Burger King threw money at the producers.  This being the case, it would hardly do to have the cashier turn a very hungry Tom Hanks away because he (obviously) lacked sufficient funds to buy ANYTHING on the menu- that would have been right up there with burning an American Flag.  I mean, this is Forrest Gump and Captain Miller- he fought in Vietnam AND World War II!  And when Hanks' character has five dollars, he's going to go right back there to Burger King where, instead of getting that hamburger and MAYBE a small soda, he's going to be handed what would cost $15 at a typical strip mall Burger King or closer to $25 at an airport terminal BK.  

The only realistic part is that Hanks keeps rushing back to BK several times over the course of the day to ravenously gulp down the garbage they serve up there- because the stuff is highly palatable, hyper-processed, low-nutrient and extremely addictive Nothing that will leave anyone extremely hungry within hours after consuming it.  Hanks being trapped in that terminal for months is kind of a metaphor for the rest of Burger King's customers, except they can't see the walls they've created for themselves with every trip to the Drive-Thru. 

Who- or what- is Orbit afraid of?

 

Notice how interracial couples have basically become the norm in commercials EXCEPT when it comes to Asians?  We've reached the point when I am genuinely surprised to see an all-white or all-black couple, and homosexual couples don't merit the bat of an eye.  But whenever I see an Asian guy in a commercial who is part of a couple, I know the other half of the relationship is going to be an Asian girl.  It never fails. 

Why is that?  Is it the same reason why every blockbuster film includes a Chinese actor (who is always one of the good guys?)  Something to do with a rather large market on the other side of the planet that we must avoid offending with our Crazy Western Sensibilities?  Just a thought. 

The Fox Bet Super 6 Something To Do Before the Next Powerball Drawing Insult

 

A few weeks ago I snarked on the concept of commercials promoting gambling addiction.  Well, here's Fox's NFL programming offering a fix by giving viewers a chance to win a million dollars from everyone's favorite brain-damaged ex-Quarterback It's Ok To Laugh At* He Doesn't Mind It's Basically Been His Job for More than Half his Life. And it's never been entertaining.  

*I can honestly say I've never once laughed at Terry Bradshaw.  Not because I was taught it was rude to laugh at the obviously disabled, but because Terry Bradshaw has never once done or said anything that struck me as remotely funny.  Go figure. 

Taco Bell Knows Americans

 

And what is it that Taco Bell knows about Americans?  That it's all about Quantity, not Quality.  That's why these commercials focus on cost, not taste.  Taco Bell is well aware that its customers will never rave about the actual taste of the "food" they are shoveling into their mouths (the food which is gradually killing them, but yeah keep answering that bell, America.)  What keeps them coming back (besides the addictive nature of the calories they are consuming) is the price.  Taco Bell is all about providing increasingly large amounts of fat, sugar and carbs for the least amount of immediate damage to one's wallet (of course, over time this type of diet is EXTREMELY expensive, because the food is not at all filling and, as pointed out early, very addicting....plus there are the medical bills coming down the road, because seriously, your body can't do this forever....)  Busy, lazy, and/or poor Americans aren't interested in an actual dining experience featuring actual nutrition.  They ARE interested- or, again, ADDICTED TO- fast calories that stimulate the pleasure centers of the brain short-term.  The crash that comes later?  Well, that's just another bell going off telling them to go get more.  Win-win for Taco Bell, Lose-Lose for the rest of us. 

And here's the kicker- the more stressed and economically marginalized the country gets, the better Taco Bell- truly the Dollar Store of fast food- does in blowing past its profit projections.  More stock is sold at a higher price, and the money can be used to make more commercials and draw in more hungry dupes.  Talk about a vicious cycle....