Dr. Pepper's Fansville Commercials are the epitome of Lazy-Stupid

 

It's such a simple concept:  there are people out there who never really left college in their hearts.  College was the peak experience of their lives, maybe because it's when they found their significant other or it's just when they were at their healthiest and most fit and (because they had the rights of adulthood but not yet the responsibilities) simply the Best Time They Would Ever Have.  I get it.  I really do understand the concept.

So- the concept goes- let's just create an imaginary community entirely populated by these people who insist on living largely in the past, pretending that they are still in school despite the wrinkles and gray hairs and full-time jobs and mortgages.  Despite all that lame "adult" stuff the only thing that matters to these people is The Big Game coming up between Alma Mater University and The Other Guys.  These people go around dressed in school colors and even paint their faces just like they did (or think they remember doing) when they were actual students at that school which I presume they live down the street from because that's where their hearts are and they can't bear to be too far away.  How they go about their lives between January and August, when their team is not playing, is a mystery we're not supposed to think too hard upon.  It would be like asking what the people of those entirely Christmas-themed towns in Hallmark Movies do between January and November.  Better to leave such queries to ourselves.

But like all advertising concepts, this one had a shelf life and like way too many, that shelf life has been ignored so what we have pounding at us from our televisions every weekend is stale and monotonous at best, We Get It Move On Now obnoxious at worst.  I don't want to meet anyone who likes these Fansville commercials because their limited supply of amusing ran out somewhere around 2019.  Also, all this dramatic fuss is over a soda.  A soda that tastes like cough medicine.  I mean, come on.  It's not even beer.  It's SODA.  That stuff you never touched when you were in college because YOU WERE IN COLLEGE.  Are we supposed to believe that one of the things that the Fans of Fansville most fondly remember about their halcyon days in the hallowed halls of AMU was drinking DOCTOR PEPPER?  So they had no social life at all back in college- and, judging from at least one "episode" of this long-running series which includes loony mom and dad sending their kid off to college with a 12-pack of the stuff- they don't want their offspring to have one either?

Can Someone please explain the mentality of the people in this Kohler Commercial?

 

In the fall of 2005 my parents in Vermont lost power for three days as a result of a freak blizzard.  The following year they invested in a generator.  On the rare occasions it's been put to use, it powers about one-third of the house- it keeps the heat going, along with the electricity in the kitchen and....that's about it.  And that's plenty because hey, it's for emergencies.

So someone explain to me why the people in this ad responded to losing power and having to switch to their EMERGENCY GENERATOR by USING AS MUCH ELECTRICITY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE (I'm actually impressed that we don't see at least thirty cell phones being recharged during this massive party going on; was that scene just cut from the final version because someone said "maybe that's a bit much?")  The drain that these idiots are putting on that generator is almost frightening- if they'll suck up this much juice when they are using their own gas to generate it, how do they behave when connected to the grid?  It's like they are worried that people ten blocks away won't notice that they have power.  Seriously, what the hell is going on here?

A Dollop of Dumb

 

1.  "Adding fat makes stuff tastes better."  Wow, what a revolutionary concept.

2.  Yes, that woman is eating strawberries with sour cream, something that no human being on Earth has ever done or will ever do.  Just because it's white and creamy doesn't make it whipped cream, lady.  That's just gross. 

3.  Yes, this really is a commercial for a brand of sour cream.  Because Americans just don't get enough junk into their arteries already, I guess.  So let's encourage everyone to drop several tablespoons of milk fermented with bacteria on to EVERYTHING, including strawberries.  That will be a big help. 

That Extra-Creepy Gum Ad where the dolls are not the creepy part.

 

Yeaahhhh....if you're a 28-year old guy who likes to sit on beds with 12-year old girls,* I don't have a lot of sympathy for your feelings of discomfort.  If I were you (and I thank my non-existent god that I am NOT) I'd be checking the closet for Chris Hansen.  

*12-year old girls channeling Damien Thorne, yet.  Seriously, what the hell is with this chick?  If I were this guy I'd start to wonder if I had fallen into a Get Out type of situation.  She looks like she's going to do her best to drag him into her basement so he can be ritually sacrificed to her personal Cat Demon. 

The Ultimate in First-World Problems, and a case of Foolish Economy

Check out this article from CNN published today:  https://www.cnn.com/travel/article/disney-price-hikes-visitor-demand/index.html.  It opens with the sad, sad story of an adult woman who decided to fly to Southern Florida to go to Disney World but then, when she found that the entrance price had increased by "forty or fifty dollars" (which one?  Why the estimate rather than an actual price? Does it fluctuate?) made the decision to "cut her trip by a day."  

What the actual heck?  This woman spent god knows how much money to fly across the country to visit some stupid theme park but decided she needed to save $50 by only going to that park for a day instead of her originally-planned two?  This would be like me flying to Paris and then not visiting the Eiffel Tower because the cost of the elevator had risen from $20 to $40.  Or me spending $4000 for a week in Ireland and then not buying a t-shirt because, hey, it's that $20 again.  I mean, is this really the moment I'm going to choose to save some money?

I am not even going to get deeply into the whole "problem" of a theme park in which attendants are constantly assaulted by commercials while waiting in endless lines (and are encouraged to pay extra to get into slightly shorter lines, essentially creating a caste system right there in the park by charging more for the "experience.")  Theme parks are not grocery stores and rides are not food or medication.  If Disney World, Disney Land, Six Flags or Hershey Park become "too expensive," people will stop going, and the prices will come back down.  This is called Capitalism and while I'm not a fan, I do get how it works and how pointless it is to complain about it (and how dumb it is to make the decision to spend a thousand dollars traveling a thousand miles and then deciding it's time to economize over forty or fifty bucks.  What did that stupid woman do with the extra day she had because she didn't go to Disney World?  Did she just fly back home early, or did she stand in the parking lot at Disney World looking through the gates at the exhausted, sweaty People of Means having "fun" in there?) 

And oh, one more thing- Times are Tight.  Millions of people are struggling to pay their grocery bills and rent and other Necessary Expenses.  If a day at Disney World (but not a cross-country flight) seems a bit pricey to you right now, seriously, touch grass.  I don't care about this particular "problem," sorry. 

LeBron, Lilly, and thirty seconds of pointless noise

To answer an all-too-common question in the comment section:  No, LeBron James and Lilly did NOT film this commercial together.  They are never in the same room during their takes.  Not even once.  I mean, that's obvious- but I had to say it anyway, because OMG some of you people are dense.

But more to the point, why was this ad even made?  Oh right, because LeBron James agreed to mouth a few lines in front of a camera which could then be spliced in with everyone's favorite Yesterday's Darling Lilly (seriously, enough already.  Let's move on please.)  And got paid with more money than most of us make in several years for doing it.  The result is a cringe-fest which is hard to watch and even harder to listen to.  And an ad that makes both people extremely punchable.  And making the audience very jealous of the fact that they never had to be in the same room together.  We'd like to avoid this too, but as long as we are addicted to watching sports on the weekend, we are kind of stuck with both of them.

That Taco Bell "apology" commercial with Pete Davidson misses the point.

 

So Taco Bell is "apologizing" for its "complicated" breakfast options- I think they are specifically aiming at some waffle monstrosity that just didn't land well with its audience.  So Pete Davidson is here to let us know that TB is going "back to basics" with something that a bachelor would make in his own kitchen with ingredients he found in the fridge- eggs, sausage and potatoes, all stacked on top of each other and wrapped in bread.  For a very low price, I assume.  I don't know for sure, because I'm pretty sure I've never been to Taco Bell.

To me, this is like Alex Jones apologizing for his vocal fry.  Taco Bell owes us an apology, but not for "overly complicating" breakfast.  Taco Bell owes the country an apology for its generous contribution to our obesity epidemic, something it seems determined instead to continue to feed (no pun intended) with highly-palatable, calorie-dense garbage disguised as a "simple" breakfast.  Promoted by an overrated comedian some of us kind of remember from SNL, maybe.  

Um, thanks for the "apology," Taco Bell.  Insulin is still really expensive though.